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Elisheva Schoenfeld INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES M Machine M. washing, combing, spinning and
weaving wool. - 86 Madman(men) M. advised by rich man:
"Madmen should build their own synagogue." - 1162 M. asks for a Sabbat meal in
hospital and smokes after receiving it. - 1166 M. with axe in hand orders rabbi to
jump through window. - 1167 M. cries on Purim: "Whoever
wants to die on Passover better starts to fall sick today." - 1158 M. declared mad by majority. - 1165
M. instigated by glazier to break
windows breaks glazier's. - 1164 M. thought to be happy by rich man.
- 1163 M. threatens to destroy house. -
1168 M. warns God that He should act
upon message of beadle. - 1159 M. and zaddik are partners. They
divide the world between them. - 1160 Madness M. is no disease in Fuerth. - 2709 Maid (Housemaid) M. fallen into barrel of milk. -
3000 M. literally interprets metaphor
"Go and ask the rabbi!" - 2315 M. by name of Magdalena. - 1173 M. reveals to wife that husband
eats on Yom Kippur. - 1746 M. and servant marry and go begging
thereafter. - 225 Intimacy of m. and master. - 1791
(1798) Traveller takes pity on m. in inn,
feeds and "warms" her. - 1797 Maiden(s). (see also: "Bride(s)",
"Matchmaker(s)", "Young Man(men)") M. does not cry for help when
raped. Thought that the man should have done so. - 1017 M. married by mistake. - 1575 M. to be married complains that she
is to marry a complete stranger. - 1516 M. "raped" by German
soldiers gives birth after three month because of the "technology"
of the Germans. – 1016 M. and youth in train. - 689 The Jewish m. and the minister. M.
refuses to kiss icon. - 1998 Rich m. with physical defects
offered by matchmaker compared to faulty etrog. - 1472 The rich m.'s complaint. - 1498 Maidens considered as marriage
partners by young men. - 1496 Man. (see also: "Old", "Rich",
"Wealthy Man", "Young Man(men)") M. accused of being foolish feels
insulted. - 1897 M. brutally beaten in the market.
(Narrator's quibbling answers). - 2953 M. boasts of the great age of his
father ... if he were living. - 1019 M. brought to rabbi claims to be
cohen, levy, israel and rogue. - 3147 M. must buy brandy whereas plants
(potatoes, barley etc.) have a little brandy of their own. - 882 M. complains: If it were not for
the kaddish for my parents I would have forgotten the synagogue and the
prayer. - 1688 M. complains about his life:
"It were better had man not been created..." - 1137 M. disturbed by the thought that
grandson is to become preacher. - 468 "M. enjoys the sons of his
sons." Reason given. - 1677 M. expounds his weekly portion in
terms of weekly portions of the Bible. - 15 M. often goes to see same film
hoping the train in it will be late that he could see the actress stripped
naked. - 1818 M. in hell is warned against fault
finding. - 484 M. the great creation lowers
himself before animal (cow, goat) when he wants to milk it. - 233 M. likes to get used to a woman1s
dressing gown. - 1621 M. without luck threatens to become
haberdasher. - 2173 (22) M. married twice in life will be
denied resurrection. - 1564 M. refuses ugly old maiden as bride
for son. - 1473 M. says: "You are consecrated
to me," in the face of calamity. - 1543 M. unsatisfied with son-in-law. -
1720 M. (Shemaya) does not want what he
wants... - 2086 M.'s duty towards his wife in years
of hunger and in years of surplus. - 1661 M.'s hair has become gray because
of the one glass of wine he had at his wedding. - 1542 Map (geographical) M. shown to yeshiva students. Want
to see uncle in Brody. - 970 Marriage M. with gentile woman. - 3056 M. likened to fortified city. -
1673 M. in old age is a sure means to
prolong life. - 1594 M. of Pessach with the girl from
Chandrikewa. - 1128 M. of woman. Benedictions are not
said on that occasion. - 1545 Fictitious m. of father to son's
bride. - 2678 Maskil(im) (ehlightened person) M. is "antisemitist" of
sweetmeats. - 1270 M. asks R. Eizik for approval of
treatise. R. Eizik's warning. - 584 M. complains about the orthodox
Jews who do not send their children to secular schools. - 2347 M. converted to Christianity is
regarded as "Sabbat gentile". - 1426 M. fallen sick in small town is
visited by rabbi. - 393 M. willy-ni1ly accompanies
father-in-law to synagogue. - 1204 M. is ignorant of rites on Ninth of
Av. - 1838 M. praised by all except Zweifel. -
3148 M. and rabbi. M. attacks rabbis of
the present and rabbi sages of today. - 436 (l853) M. smokes on Sabbat near military
storehouse. - 1121 M. wants to buy book from pious
dealer on Sabbat. - 1263 A m.'s recipe for making gold. -
2973 Difference between m. and
wonderworker. - 1816 Gottlober waits for young m. on the
latter's bed. - 1663 The mortification of the m. on Yom
Kippur. - 1843 Maskilim have an argument with Zvi
Hirsch. (Parable) - 483 M. discuss the authorship of the
Zohar and the Bible. - 738 M. of the town succeed in electing
a modern rabbi. - 942 M. of Wilna read and discuss
chapter of Bible. - 1822 M. of Wilna visit old and sick Adam
Hacohen. - 1827 M. wonder how Kaleb can believe in
Yona being swallowed by a wale. - 2163 Two m. meet on eve of Yom Kippur
and talk about the food they had prepared for the next day. - 1842 Matchmaker(s) (see also: "Daughter(s)",
"Father(s)", "Maiden(s)", "Son(S)", "Young
Man (men)") M. claims that there is no virgin
to be had. Offers a woman. - 1479 M. claims that youth intended for
rich man's daughter is expert in two tractates of the Gemara. - 1459 M. complains about hard and
ungrateful work. - 1453 M. discusses dowry of bride. - 1491
M. discusses dowry with father who
is reluctant to give any sum. - 1490 M. discusses dowry with parents.
Mother is ready to "throw sum to the dogs." - 1492 M. and fastidious youth. - 1480,
1481 M. is in a hurry to find husband
for little daughters of eminent citizens. - 1455, 1456 M. makes sure that the
bride remembers his name. - 1486 M. offers beautiful and young
maiden whom reality shows different. - 1457 M. offers deaf maiden. - 1471 M. offers maiden of doubtful
family. - 1483, 1484 M. offers maiden with physical defects.
- 1472, 1473, 1518 M. offers maiden who has difficult
births. - 1477 M. offers son of newly rich
shoemaker to daughter of newly rich tailor. - 1462 M. offers elderly "golem"
to proud father of elderly daughter. - 1461 M. offers elderly maiden to young
man. - 1476 M. offers two sisters: one
beautiful with a dowry of 10,000 and the other hunchbacked with a dowry of
20,000. - 1497 (1495) M. offers whore of small town to
son of eminent citizen of Wilna. - 1478 M. offers youth who is blind on one
eye. - 1458 M. offers youth who is an expert in
writing addresses. - 1460 M. as peacemaker between parents of
bride and bridegroom quarrelling about marriage contract. - 1487 M. praises woman he has found for
scholar. - 1510 M. proposes "ideal girl"
to fastidious young man. - 3020 M. proposes simple young man to
daughter of eminent citizen of Tel-Aviv. 2630 M. proposes son of rich ignorant
man to daughter of rabbi of Kowno. - 1507 M. refuses to negotiate marriage
between scholar and woman pianist speaking French. - 1512 M. sees no difference between one
girl and another. - 1468 M. teaches provincial on subjects
of conversation with prospective urban bride. - 732
M. teaches provincial table manners
before his visit to prospective in-laws. - 733
M. in Tel-Aviv proposes young
doctor to father of girl providing a small dowry. - 2629 M. unsuccessful in persuading youth
to get married. - 1465, 1467 M. warns foolish youth against
opening his mouth during visit of prospective in-laws. - 1124 M. warns yeshiva student that he
must get rid of his lice before getting married. - 1482 M. wonders why young men nowadays
desire to marry beautiful girls only. - 1469 M. and youth who wants to marry the
girl he loves. - 1466 M.'s son to improve on father's
statement. - 1475 Fee of m. demanded by man who has
not made the match. - 1464 Matchmakers permitted to carry out
their trade on Sabbat. - 1452 M. pester young doctor. He only
wants a "married woman". - 1521 Fee of m. - 1463, 1488 "May the new year be as good and as sweet as
the nut in my hand" "May the new year be as good
and as sweet as the nut in my hand" Nut is hollow. - 998 Meal. (see also: "Eating",
"Restaurant") Beadle employed for fasting enjoys
m. - 822 Man must drink brandy before m. -
855 Meals on Sabbat and holidays are
taken on the eve. - 2019 Measures Ten m. of riches descended into the
world, nine of them to Rothschild and one to the rest of the world. - 226 Memory In m. of evil personages in history
one eats Haman's ears on Purim, matsah on Passover but what will one eat in
m. of Hitler? - 1994 The cantor's m. is good: Makes same
mistakes every year. - 509 Rabbi wonders about m. of one
remembering things which did not happen. - 1308 Merchandise A good m. is textiles. It pays for
everything except covering cheques. - 3132 Merchant(s). (see also: "Dealer(s)",
"Peddler(s)", "Shopkeeper(s)", "Wholesaler(s)") M. asks man wishing to invest his
money: "What do you prefer, a good meal or a good night's sleep?" -
17 M. celebrates his fiftieth
anniversary with employees. - 122, 166 M. gives his daughter in marriage
to yeshiva student. - 103 M. has gone mad and has not paid
his debts. His madness is not gone that far. - 90,
(1331) M. does not honour cheques. - 91 M. loses silk stockings. Announces:
"The finder of woolen stockings will be rewarded!" - 2238 M. has lost 10,000 of which 2,000
were his own money. - 11 M. occupied with ledgers is visited
by beggar. - 221 M. receives two telegrams urging
him to come to two places at once. - 1147 M. returning from Leipzig fair
brings presents to family and housemaid. (Parable). - 480 M. returning to small town from
trip abroad tells rabbi about the wonders of the world. - 3003 M. returning from Guinspring
reports about the cantor and choir. - 515 M. surprises wife with lover on
bench. Decides to sell the bench. - 1668 . M. visited by provincial brother
suggesting his nephews to get married. -1117 M.'s commentary on the meeting of
Jacob and Esau, "But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him ... and
kissed him. And they wept." (Gen. 33; 4). - 165
M.'s telegram to customer in times
of inflation. - 2785 M.'s wife unfaithful. M. prefers
half a good business to a whole bad one. - 1667 Bankrupt m. offers creditor to kiss
his p... - 106 Bankrupt m. offers creditors two
alternatives (abuses). - 108 Bankrupt m. ousts creditor and
calls him "villain". - 110 Bankrupt m. refuses to pay 20
pennies for tailor's work. - 102 Bankrupt m. runs off to Erets
Israel. - 104, 105
Bankrupt m. runs off to Erets
Israel and is returned to Poland. - 2627 Bankrupt m. suggests creditor to
stand in line with others and kiss his p... - 107
Bankrupt m. tells his creditor to collect the wool left by sheep on the wire
fences. - 99 "A decent m. does not die before
he has been bankrupt three times at least. - 57
Dying m. informs his son about the
financial situation. - 79 Dying m. instructs sons to keep
quiet when their clients bankrupt. (Parable). - 92
Father-in-law of young m. ready to
add to dowry on condition that latter closes his shop on Sabbat. - 1683 German Jewish m. named Heiman
converts to Christianity. (pun). – 1433 Impoverished m. (Shalom Aleichem)
loses fortune and becomes writer. - 585, (582) Jewish m. has permit to live
in Moscow. - 1385 Lumber m. pays 333 Gulden to his
zaddik for him to pray for snow (Gematria). - 603
Old m. tests young one: "What
is the difference between a promissory note endorsed by notary and one that
is not." - 87 One m. to another: "Business
has decreased within one year as fast as if it had done so within two
years." - 13 Spendthrift son of m. becomes m.
and marries rich girl. - 12 Well known m. asks zaddik for
advice. - 3017 Merchants of stolen goods in
Dunaburg. - 1341 Rich lumber m. bemoan the drought.
- 231 Two m., partners in a losing
business quarrel about the remaining funds. - 16
Messias M.
unwanted. - 957, 3013, 3107, (992) "M.
seems to have come!" exclaimed by one viewing the row of men pissing
together in an open space. - 2846 When the M.
will come Jews will be barefoot and stone gentiles. - 2075 With the
coming of the M. the goods will be paid. - 89 The dogs
do not believe in the coming of the M. - 1837 Heretic
pioneers are faster than anyone else in following the M. to Erets Israel. -
2590 Rabbi
Mohilever will be surprised when the Jews do not kill the M. - 2597 Ten years
after the beginning of the era of the M. zaddikim will pray and learn to
perfection. - 637 Metaphor M. literally interpreted. - 2315,
3100 Mice M. know how to behave in rooms
cleaned for Passover. - 1223 Midrash of drunkards Midrash of drunkards: The complaint
of the fish on Adam. - 849 Midwife A m. must be hunchbacked. - 899 Milk Bachelor advised to get married:
"When all I need is a glass of m. why buy a cow?" - 1672 Whoever drinks m. after eating
pickled cucumbers will get cheese in his stomach. - 286
Milking The difference between m. a cow and
m. a Jew. - 1912 Milkmaid(s) The difference between Yael, the m.
of old and the milkmaids of today. - 3114 Milkman M. admits watering the milk:
"Only the cow gives pure milk." - 53
M. loses wagon, horses and milk in
the swollen river in spring. - 3115 M. praises his milk as "kosher
for Passover". (Pun). - 3087 M.'s wife wonders whether there
will be enough milk for all the customers. 54
M. praises his milk and the water
he adds. - 1850 Minister M. of Interior hates Jews but loves
to be bribed by them. - 1937 M. of Justice in Hungary boasts of
his appointing Jewish judges. - 1938 Miracle(s). (see also "God",
"Wonderworker(s)") M.
blessed on Passover: Hillel was combining matsah with bitter herb and not
with live coal. - 1852 Five
miracles happened to Israel, according to Shmeril Shnitkawer. - 2150 Three m.
happened to God on Rosh Hashanah according to midrash of jesters. - 1841 Miser(s). (see also: "Beggar(s)",
"Poor", "Rich", "Wealthy Man(men)") M. closes doors on all sides. - 341 M. gives unsigned cheque to
collectors of charity. - 328 M. greets poor man and shakes his
hand instead of giving money. - 332 M. before Heavenly Court. - 349 M. hurries to leave his house when
he sees approaching rabbi. - 323 M. praying for a long time on eve
of Yom Kippur rouses rabbi's anger. (Parable). - 354
M. refuses to give alms to
strangers. He does not support his brother either. - 329
M. refuses to give money for a
fence around the cemetery. - 325 M. refuses to give money for the
purpose of marrying off a poor bride. -324 M. refuses to give money for the
ransom of prisoners. - 348 M. refuses to give money to yeshiva
delegate. - 352 M. refuses to help beggar marrying off
his daughter. - 181 M. refuses to open his purse for
the benefit of those whose town had burned down. - 2968 M. should have plenty of best food.
- 351 M. takes his pants off in darkness
for saving them. - 360 M. travels in fourth class
compartment. - 359 M. is unhappy about broken chair. -
357 M.'s son gives a large sum to
charity since "he has a rich father." - 327
Delegate of yeshiva blesses m. in
the hope that the blessing will turn into a curse. - 342
Dying m. authorizes rabbi to invest
his money or lend it. - 318 Dying m. teaches son that there is
nothing more important than money. - 2966 Grandson of R. Gumbiner was a rich
m. who used to boast about his illustrious ancestor. - 352
Hershele and the m. - 334 Old sick m. invites rabbi for
writing his will. A great sum is bequeathed to charity. - 319 Poor man is sent to m. for meal. - 346 Rabbi asks m. for a donation to
community. - 321 Rabbi asks m. for a donation to
poor people for Passover. - 322 Misunderstanding M. because of ignorance of Hebrew
(Yiddish). - 1264, 1266 Mitnaged(im). (see also "Hassid(im)") M. does
not believe in the holiness of zaddikim. - 660
M.
derides Hassidim snatching remains of food from zaddik's plate. - 656 M.
derides ignorant Hassid. - 652 M.
"explains" why God punished the Egyptians with 1ice and not with
Hassidim. - 661 M. to
Hassid praying with ardour: "Whom do you intend to deceive, the Almighty
or yourself?" - 664 M.
reports to Hassidim on his observations through the keyhole of zaddik's door.
- 614 M. in
synagogue of Hassidim. - 665 Dialogue
between m. and Hassid about latter's late rising in the morning. - 686 Was Moses
a Hassid or a m.? - 663 From the
notebook of a m.: God is angry with a fat rabbi, a lean parson and an old
Hassid. - 683 Old m.
insulted by Hassid. - 669 Old m.
warns against leaving Hassid during the night with bottle of brandy at his
head and a virgin near his feet. - 662 Mitnagdim
and Hassidim will end in hell. - 589 M. remind
Hassidim of rumour that their rabbi has intimate relations with gentile
woman. - 617 M. speak
of zaddik with contempt. - 657 M. do not
believe in miracles said to be performed by Hassidic rabbis. - 610, 614 "Learned" dispute between m. and
Hassidim. - 618 Thoughts
of Hassidic rabbi greatly differ from those of rabbi of m. - 655 Money M. and
years are added to rich Jew after sixty. - 2969 "Everything
is m." Proof found in the equal numerical value of three words including
"mammon" (m.). - 2169 Money Lender(s) M.
virtually nuts man on his feet. - 74 M.
reminds debtor of the sum he owes him. - 2626 M. takes
high percentage of interest for half a day. - 70 M.'s son
wonders why percentage of interest is not twice as high in summer as that in
winter. - 67 Foolish
M. - 1088, 1093 Money lenders
more hard-hearted than sons of Noah. - 2130 Three
foolish m. there are... - 56 Mother. (see also: "Daughter(s)",
"Maiden(s)", "Son(s)") M.
abashed when showing doctor sick child's nappies. - 948 M. does
not believe in Heaven's mercy on child sick with croup. - 950 M. boasts
about clean son: "His towel is always dry and clean." - 2856 M. of the
bride is happy about son-in-law: A decent gentile of honourable Jewish
descent. - 1414 M. is to
say psalms as remedy for sick child. - 949 M. to son
who has been called up to the army: "After you have killed a Turk sit
down and have a rest." - 2715 M. urges
her baptized son to go to church. - 954 Poor m.
with an only son is worried about his Bar-Mitsva. - 977 Son does
not say Kaddish after his m. - 1689 Mother-in-Law M. committed suicide by hanging
herself. Son-in-law reluctant to cut the rope. - 1726 M. would give half her life for one
watermelon. Son-in-law brings her two. - 1725 Mourner M. who has not completed one year
of mourning and is about to serve as cantor is preceded by others. (Chain of
interdependent members). - 202 Mufti (of Jerusalem) M. should be the second one to be
departed from Palestine. - 2681 Musicians Jewish m. praised but Jewish
shoemakers decried. - 3064, (1983) |