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Elisheva Schoenfeld INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES W Waiter (See also: "Inn",
"Innkeeper(s)", "Guest(s) of Inn" "Restaurant")
W. brings coffee in chamber pot to
antisemitic officer. - 1958 W. drops meat on floor, then serves
it to customer. - 794 W. forgets comb for "combing
the soup". - 797 W. holds meat on plate by putting
his hand on it. - 3126 W. doesn't know when fish were
fresh. He only serves six weeks. - 782 W. refuses to exchange spoon with
yolk stuck to it for clean one. - 769 W. is sorry he cannot serve
customer filled spleen baked in oil. - 817 W. wakes sleeping guest early in
the morning. He needs the table cloth guest is sleeping on. - 775 Warehouse W. in Moscow. Neither tractor nor
butter can be bought there. - 2825 Washing facilities W. seem difficult in Palestine for
newly arrived maiden. - 2657 Watch W. compared with German: When it is
struck it works. - 2762 Watchmaker W. is given watch for repair. After
"repair" it only works when shaken. Customer needs a watch and not
a lulav. - 131 W. praises his watches: "They
are faster than the Tower clock. - 132 W. being also slaughterer is bad at
both crafts. - 495 W. hasn't touched the watch to be
repaired. It doesn't work. - 133 Water W. bought at market since hen is
all fat, fat like oil, oil like water. - 1095 W. of Marienbad prescribed as
remedy against corpulence. - 1639 W. is sufficing for the Jews in
Palestine. What they lack is fire (Alfred Mond). - 2666 "The drop of w. would not put
out the fire of hell," says Jew to priest trying to have him baptized. -
2005 "Three kinds of w. are lost:
w. flowing into the sea, w. poured into wine, and w. sprinkled on Jew."
- 1999 Watercarrier W. inherits some money which he
gives as a loan to a rich man. - 1088 W.'s daughter and woodcutter's son
are getting married. Dispute over dowry. - 1487 W.'s wife washes his pants.
("Thankful fool"). - 1089 Wealthy man (men) (See also: "Rich",
"Poor", "Beggar(s)") W. bankrupts. Does not pay
butcher's bill. - 109 W. decreases beggar's "monthly
allowance". - 270 W. gives but 5% interest on deposit.
- 93 W. invites Maskil to his 50th
birthday party. Latter is "antisemite" of sweatmeats. - 1270 W. meets young people speaking
Hebrew. Thinks they say the prayer book by heart. (3 versions). - 1261 W. reminded of Jahrzeit by beadle.
- 535 W. and his scribe. - 563 W., his sons and sons-in-law and
guests play cards at sunrise. - 985 W. and teacher each digs a pit at
night, the one for his jewelry, the other for his wife. - 1625 W. trading with hog bristles is not
greeted by teacher of his son. - 253 W. is warned of pride. - 224 W.'s death is not mourned. - 489 How much is the w. worth? - 209 W. men are well taken care of by
bath attendant. - 404 Weather forecast W. made by rag mounted on high
pole. - 3112 Weeding W., a pleasure on Sabbat. - 1831 Week W. of five days introduced by Lenin
for Bolshevic Moscow. 2829 Weeping W. in the
family of the Zar. - 2778 "Weil,"
so schliesst er messerscharf, "nicht sein kann, was nicht sein
darf." - 893 (?). 1746 Wezir W. of Portugal's king introduces three
hats of Jews to audience of those of Jewish descent: himself, the bishop and
the king himself. - 1914 Wholesaler(s) (see also: "Dealer(s)",
"Merchant(s)", "Peddler(s)", "Shopkeeper(s)") W. admires Jew of small town: "Yesterday
a beggar and today a shopkeeper." - 114 W. asks factory for mailing the
second part of ordered goods before paying first lot. - 88
W. comes to small town for a rest
and not for business. - 38 W. instructs salesman to sell the
surplus in the provinces: five blouses for the price of four. - 23 W. instructs his son on how brief a
telegram should be sent to merchant owing money. - 2978 W. refuses giving credit for 90
days. Fears sleepless nights. - 24 W. sends salesman for selling
summer dresses in provinces. Reduces price until latter drops dead. - 168 W. takes goods on credit only once
but from many places. He never pays. - 80 W.'s agent sent to small place for
collecting a debt. Told not to hurry and drink coffee. Telegraphs: "No
coffee. What shall I do?" - 1145 W.'s agent steals pairs of
trousers. Employer deducts their price from salary. - 73
W.'s employee has notebook of
foolish deeds of employer and customers. - 172
W.'s employee has sacks of flour
transported from mill. Takes one kopeck per sack for himself. - 1367 Widow (see also: "Husband(s)",
"Wife(ves)", "Widower") W. of rabbi has lease on the
manufacture of candles. Refuses to pay rent. - 39
W. of water carrier leaves her
savings for shrouds with rabbi's wife. They gradually decrease. - 999 Faithless w. thinks of getting
married again at husband's funeral. - 1603 Old w. marries a dumb. - 709 Rich w. of good family visits
widowed R. Heshel for making a match between him and a rich w. ... herself. -
1517 Young w. lying on husband's grave
is tickled by beetle crawling over her breast. Blames husband. - 1604 Young w. marries old widower.
Wished he would leave her (as) a w. - 1597 Old w. intends to deposit a certain
amount of rubles at bankrupt banker's. - 94 Widower (See also: "Husband(s), "Man
(men)", "old") W. too busy for holding wife's
funeral on fixed day. - 1630 W. cautions porters to carefully
step with wife's coffin. Is afraid she will revive as at her first funeral. -
1584 W. is certain that only a mad woman
would marry him. Therefore, prefers to stay single. - 1649 W. with children marries widow with
children. - 1660 W. at the funeral of third wife
asks porters for taking the coffin to cemetery through yards and fields. -
1617 W. marries second and third time
without service of matchmaker. - 1489 W. marries three sisters. They die
one after the other before him. - 1616 W. prefers to stay single. - 1615,
1621 W. prefers to stay single. Cannot
decide on woman who would suit him. - 2092 W. on his way back from the funeral
of his wife is hit by roof tile. Blames the wife. - 1586 Old w. intends to marry a third
wife, virgin. - 1623 Old w. marries virgin since
"he loves himself. - 702 Old w. marries young woman for
sewing the buttons on his pants. - 706 Rich w. intends to marry virgin
since sons of second wife claimed by latter to be dead are visiting him. -
1623 Wife(ves) (See also: "Husband(s)",
"Matchmaker(s)", "Rabbi – Adviser in Connubial Problems")
W. admonishes husband for eating on
Yom Kippur. - 1746 W. advised by rabbi to answer her
quarrelsome husband with silence. - 3033 W. of bankrupt banker refuses to
accept deposit of widow. Husband would have taken the money and given her
alms. - 94 W. of bankrupt man offers her
husband and herself to be sold by creditors. - 100
W. though beautiful compared to
hurting shoe. - 1533 W. bitten by dog. Dog may become
mad. - 1551 . W. does not blame husband before
divorce since she must be loyal. After divorce, she does not blame stranger.
- 1605 W. breaks her leg on entrance to
Sukkah. - 1638 W. comes home from baker with
strange Sabbat dish. - 1637 W. commits adultery with officer.
Husband would have beaten him had he a pistol. - 2750 W. complains to rabbi about
annoying husband. - 964 W. complains to rabbi about
husband's gluttony and drinking. Rabbi rebukes him for neglect of his family.
- 867 W. complains to rabbi about husband's
neglect of putting on phylacteries. - 1781 W. demands of husband, a glutton
and drunkard to read the Haggadah on Seder night. - 814 W. of doctor is barren. A woman
comes to consult doctor in the same matter but cannot rely on one who cannot
help his own w. - 920 W. given as mother-in-law to young
man at the same time as daughter is given him as w. - 1724 W. of Hersheli claims that she
would not have married him if her father had not made her. - 2140 W. of Hersheli comes naked before
him every day as against Vashti who was supposed to come naked before
Ahasverus only once. - 2139 W. of Hersheli heaps abuses on him
when he comes home drunken. - 879 W. of Hersheli reported dead. The
money received for shrouds, they spend on food for Passover. - 2138 W. to husband on eve of Passover: "I
burned all leavened dough and bread." Husband: "Excepting yourself!"
- 1602 W. to husband: "You now curse
me, but after I'll die you scratch the earth for having me back."
Husband: "I wished I could scratch now." - 1613 W. of immigrant brings her eighteen
children to America. - 3045 W. informs rabbi about husband's
new smoking habits in the middle of the night. - 1606 W. interferes incessantly while
dying husband is dictating will to rabbi. - 1626 W. must know her husband by his
knock on the door. - 3116 W. of Kommerzienrat claims to have
met Rembrandt the painter on streetcar No. 9 going to Potsdam circle. - 1271 W. loudly laments dying husband. -
1628 W. pities traveller in stormy
winter night. Husband: "As soon as you let him in my pity will be
gone." - 237 W. of poor man is angry with
husband bringing guest. - 297 W. of poor man makes omelette
without eggs, without butter and without a pan. - 187
W. of poor man offers guest a dish
of "plague and cholera" for supper. - 296
(1611) W. of poor man sends husband
begging for alms to rich man. - 250 W. of rich husband complains about
the many poor people in town. - 239 W. of rich man in labour sighs in
Russian and French. Doctor hastens to her bedside as soon as she cries out in
Yiddish. - 2952 W. of rich man to poor visiting
relative: "Do you not long to see your w.?" Guest is willing to
call for his. w. - 243 W. being robbed of cracknels, their
livelihood, is forgiven by husband. - 1650 W. is to be sold without charge. -
1656 W. of son comes from the same town
as friend's. - 1549 W. spends all the curses in the
world on husband within one day. - 1552 W. suspects husband of neglecting
his prayer when travelling. Puts handkerchieves in bag of phylacteries. -
1784 W. must take a mouthful of water
and keep it there until anger of husband subsides. - 1600 W. thrown into the sea. Her tongue
is the heaviest thing on board. - 1539 W. unwittingly reveals having a
lover. - 1812 wakens husband in the middle of the
night for rocking the child. - 1659 W. wants husband to stop drinking
and die like the goat. - 843 W.'s complaint:"The more luck
(children) we· have, the less we have to eat." - 191
W.'s tongue is the cause for
husband's disease of the lung. - 1540 Angry w. has prepared "dish of
malaria" for lunch. - 1562, (1611) Cobbler's w. hit by last
"unintentionally" thrown at her by husband. - 1570 Cursing w. and "forgiving"
husband. - 1579 Cursing w. is hell for husband.
Therefore, he smokes on Sabbat. - 1565 Death of w. is like eating horse
radish, the eyes weeo and the heart is glad. - 1578 Death of second w. before first
preferred. - 1620 Dying w. implores husband to make
peace with mother-in-law. - 1629 Elimelekh's wife is evil. "No
grass is growing on her head." - 3034 Evil w. is in agony for some time
but recovers. - 1634 Hersheli'e w. took (ritual) bath in
winter resulting in a belly swelling like a barrel. - 2132 His w. refuses to die in spite of
his generous allowance. - 1610 "The longer the w. is in the
ground the more she improves." - 1587 Modke's w. welcomes the guest with
a dish of "troubles, suffering and cholera." - 1611 (1562) "My w. must have been poisoned.
Yesterday she bit her tongue." - 1550 Newly wedded w. compared to matsah:
dried-up, black and speckled. - 1524 Second w. is evil. - 1553 (pun) Second young w. of old man compared
to phylacteries of R. Tarn. - 3032 Shemaya's resolute w. "has her
arms with her," and husband is afraid of arms. - 2090 Shemaya's w. would have known from
where to take the money for her own funeral. - 2091 Shemaya's w. would have known a
suitable second w. for her widowed husband. - 2092 Sick w. sent to health resort and
supported by husband does not return home. - 1640 Tailor's w. to husband about to
leave with a bundle of trousers to be sold: "God willing, you will
return without trousers." - 979 Talkative w. knows 4 languages,
that means she took 36 measures of talk. - 1537 Talkative w. has her mouth shut up
with thermometer. - 1536 Ugly w. abandoned by husband is
promised by Zaddik that he will return. The others know better. - 1529 Ugly w. asks husband for curtains
so as to prevent neighbor from peeping. Husband suggests to wait until
neighbor will do it. - 1532 Ugly w. complains about husband who
wants to divorce her. - 1528 Ugly w. is reason for demanding a
divorce. - 1527 An ugly w. is a sure sign of
husband's trustworthiness. - 1530 Ugly w. thought to be servant of
the house. 1523, 1525 Ugly w. always travels with
husband, He cannot give her a good-bye kiss. - 1531 Years of w.'s life are contributed
by volunteer for prolonging life of zaddik. - 1635 (690)
Three wives of Shnitkaver: two are evil
and one is good. He divorces all three of them. - 1588 Wig A w. is found in the cooking pot. ("In
a well-ordered household nothing is lost...) - 2859 Wine W. is cheating when it is supposed
to do its task: When sent to the stomach it "goes" into the head. -
860 A w. keg has been brought home by
Rersheli ... in his stomach. - 879 W. is leaking out of hole at the
bottom of the keg. - 379 W. and water in the keg. Each of
Neutra's residents pours water into the keg thinking the others would pour in
wine. - 1324 "Good and cheap w. is sold
here." - 862 Three bottles of w. are sufficient
for the benediction of Sabbat and for its outgoing when both are done
together. 857 "The taste of w. triumphes
over the 70 reasons for not drinking w." (Modena) - 881 Winedealer (see also: "Wine") W. awakened in the middle of the
night by neighbor who wishes to buy keg. - 3131 W. compared with Moses who also
dealt with water. - 52 W. offers Brodes mead. Latter
refuses to call it "drink". - 886 W. sells three kinds of wine and
vinegar all from the same barrel. - 51 W. wakes up in the night and wants
to study without expressly telling the gentile boy to light the candle. -
2055 W. wonders about being poor
although he sells his wine mixed with 50% water. - 49
W.'s answer to Polish graf's
antisemitic remark: "Wine and women were expensive at agricultural
exhibition." - 1982 Dying w. to sons: "I
discovered some good ingredients for wine, even grapes." - 50 Wisdom W. acquired from experience. - 415 W. preferred to riches though wise
men knock on the door of the rich. - 213 W. preferred to riches: "Wise
people have become rich but rich ones have never become wise." - 214 Witness (see also: "Delinquent(s)",
"Judge(s)") W. in court claims to have heard
about the matter in question but not seen. Is disqualified. - 3142 Main w. to investigation committee
in 1930 forgets everything when questioned by Jewish delegates but remembers
every detail when questioned by Arab delegates. - 2675 Wolf A w. happened to be shot by hunter.
Lone man believes his stick has done the job. "If God wills even a stick
shoots." - 2747 Woman(men) (see also: "Man(men)",
"poor", "rich", "Widow", "Widower", "Wife(ves)
", "Husband(s)") W. asks doctor for an examination:
"May be you will find some disease." - 941 W. in doctor's waiting room.
Doctor's wife tells her that she is barren. The woman goes away since doctor
cannot cure his own wife. - 920 W. comes to R. Eizel and complains
about her dream on her only son being mad. - 218
W. comes to Rothschild asking for
support. She claims to be a near relative of his. - 247
W. complains about being poor. If
she were rich her only little boy already would be bar-mitsvah. - 977 W. complains that she had not
received any message from her father since six months ago. - 1018 (1175) W. used to "correct"
mistakes made by reader of the Tora makes a fool of herself. - 965 W crosses rickety bridge and
promises contribution to R. Meir the wonderworker on her safe return. ("God
can't take a joke") - 996 W. holds prayer book upside-down.
She is left-handed. - 1214 W. has lost her chicken and
contributes some coins to R. Meir the wonderworker. The chicken cannot be
found, and R. Meir is accused. - 978 W. to be married should be either
so beautiful that money does not matter or so rich that beauty does not
matter. 1500 W. goes to "measure the
field" (the cemetery) in the days between Rosh Hashanh and Yom Kippur. -
997 W. has no more mercy with Joseph
who has himself sold every year. ("The same old story"). - 975 W. visits doctor with all kinds of
pains and disturbances. - 939 W. of Zulu tribe "is also
good" (Pun). - 3037 W.'s child is sick with scarlet fever.
She doesn't trust Heaven. - 950 W.'s life is lost as soon as she
goes to the wedding canopy. - 1592 A beautiful w. sitting next to Adam
Hacohen at a banquet reminds him of the destruction of the Temple. - 1804 Blind w. would have given money to
Modke if she could have seen him. - 2177 Comely w. compared with Sabbat
candle. - 3149 Learned w. says that Moses was worse
than Haman. - 1215 Old w. hurries to see the synagogue
burning since she had not seen the Temple burning. - 971 "Do not talk too much with a
w.!" - 1801 Rich and fat w. pays high price for
being carried by a porter through the mire of Pinsk. Porter cannot reach his
posterior and uncovers hers instead. - 2986 Wealthy w. in view of gentile
funeral in April (Nissan): "The death of a poor Jew would be preferable to
that of Esau (Christian)." - 238 Wise w. with many children: "I
love all of them however, all of them open their mouths" (want food and
clothing). - 3044 Women are the fiercest among the
animals. (Pun on names.) - 1607 W. are forbidden to enter stock
exchange during certain hour. - 9 W. are pushed aside at funerals
since "the Angel of Death dances in front of them." - 1576 The difference between the Israeli
w. and those of the whole world. - 2663 Wailing w. at funeral of friend. -
2165 Why do w. curse the rolling pin on
Sabbat eve when preparing chale? - 1559 Wonderworkers and their deeds Angel of Death chokes woman to
death in spite of the rabbi's efforts. - 600 Angels play on rabbi's bed but
horses couple on his wife's. - 615 Beams did not turn into snakes upon
the rabbi's explicit prayer. - 594 Disciples of rabbi remain poor.
Rabbi wants to help and could do so. However, he does not help. - 595 Exchange of colors. Flask is red
and rabbi's face pale. Later, rabbi's face is red and flask pale. - 610 Hands of gentiles are paralyzed
when they intend to stone the rabbi. Latter had been hurt by deaf man. - 597 The rabbi ascends to Heaven. - 596 The rabbi was not attentive: The
woman gives birth to two daughters instead of one boy. - 601 The rabbi and disciples are in R.,
and the rabbi sees the fire in far away L. - 593
The rabbi goes to save a fallen
man, but he cannot revive him. - 599 The rabbi orders the dried-up river
to throw-up fish for Sabbat. Clouds cover the sky, and the rains do not stop.
The rabbi waves his belt and orders the moon to show itself for the blessing.
- 590 (1656) The rabbi's prayer produces rain
which cannot be stopped. - 598 The rabbi turns his eyes to roasted
chicken which is transformed into a heap of bones. - 614
Rain pours down on travellers. The
rabbi spreads his arms, and the sun shines for the travellers only. - 591 Rabbi and disciples return on eve
of Shabbat. Night comes, and the rabbi waves his arms: Sabbat is right and
left but weekday on the road. - 591 The stick prays the afternoon
prayer. - 592 The zaddik blesses mentally disturbed
man and so heals him. - 678 Wonderworker and Maskil. The former
promises the woman that she will have a child, and she hasn't. The latter promises
she won't have a child, and she has one. - 1816 Woodcutter W.'s craft becomes easier with
every addition of gentile as against teacher whose craft becomes more
difficult with every addition. - 560 W.'s son and watercarrier's
daughter are getting married. -1487 World W. divided between madman and his
partner the zaddik. - 1160 "The w. is entirely imaginary.
Nothing exists excepting the stove." - 2085 The w. is upside-down. Rich men
receive loans as soon as there is money in sight while poor men are never
getting the loans they need. - 230 W. War I, a war of G.O.G. and
M.A.G.O.G. (each letter used for a word of abuse. - pun). - 2754 Writer Old w. observes a young couple
comfortably sitting in a corner. - 1802
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