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Elisheva Schoenfeld INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES T Table ware T. of rich host is admired by poor
guest. Both enjoy them. - 252 Tailor T. asking for half the tuition fee
from father whose son he is to teach the craft: "Your son knows already
to drink but he'll never learn the craft." - 126
T. claims that he earns his money "by
the sweat of his brow." - 153 T. claims his small due from
bankrupt merchant. Later does not pay. - 102 T. emigrates to America and there becomes
rabbi and cohen. - 447 T. does not finish rabbi's kapota
within six days. His work is excellent as compared to God's world. - 125 T. gets order for wedding dress of
bridegroom. Assures father that his works has never been ridiculed, only
bemoaned. - 124 T. has made a too long kapota for
small rabbi. - l23 T. sends apprentice to buy two
herrings. Apprentice eats one. Illogical use of numbers. - 1009 T. teaches his son the craft and "taking
whatever lies around" when delivering the suit. - 1326 T. of trousers. - 979 T. is used to call someone for
reading the Tora. Does so in torn dress and is rebuked by warden of synagogue.
- 127 A tailor's sons. One becomes t. the
other rabbi. Exchange of roles with comic results. - 1259. Man is like a Polish t. As long as
t. breathes he is alive. In the end he dies. - 471 Talit T. as remedy for sick person who
must sweat. - 3054 Talking T. with accentuation. Linguist's
experiment in putting it in written form. - 2949 T. outside in winter proves to be
difficult. Both hands are in the pockets. - 2945 T. into a telephone proves to be
difficult when both hands are occupied. - 2944 Jew and Russian t. to each other, each
in his own language. - 2948 Two Jews t. to each other in a bus
confuse the driver of the bus behind. - 2943 Two Jews talking to each other are
the only survivors of a shipwreck. - 2942 Tanner T. has customer air his hides. - 36 Tarzan T. vehemently denies being Jewish. -
2073 Taxcollector(s) T. asks bookbinder for rebi1ding
his big but badly damaged Talmud to a small to a small "Slichot". -
1248 (1220) T. buys "misrah" since
every Jewish visitor had looked and asked for it. - 1230 T. comes to rabbi and complains
about his brutal and insolent son-in-law. - 1239 T. complains about being pestered
by spirits which leave grains of barley in places cleaned for Passover. -
1223 T. hears rumour that the Messias is
to come. Is very angry. His wife soothes him: "Zaddikim (the Lord) will prevent
him from coming." - 957, 3013 T. is host to zaddik who blesses
him: "May the Messias come in our day and Israel be gathered in the Ho1y
Land." T. would prefer others to go there. - 992 T. is host to zaddik. The
contribution he is prepared to make is too small in the eyes of the zaddik's treasurer.
- 620 T. is host to zaddik. On latter's
departure asks for a blessing. - 1246. T. is host to zaddik on the 9th of
Av. Latter bewails the destruction of the temple. T. does not know when and
where the temple burned. - 1245 T. does not know when to bless and
when to kiss phylacteries. - 1199 T. has little time to see rabbi on
problems of clean or unclean food. He "solves" them himself. - 1241
T. is looking for a learned
son-in-law though he has no daughter - 966 T. takes measure of half the Hallel-prayer
in prayer-book on night of new moon. - 3084 T. orders whine-dealer to prepare
for him a lavish meal on 9th of Av. Claims to be ill. - 1755 T. has particular gentile maid for
the Sabbat night on 9th of Av. - 3085 T. reading the Hageadah on the ten
plagues spills the wine for himself and his wife. - 1219 T. receives letter from son asking
for money to buy trousers. Slaughterer and cantor read the letter, each one
in a different tone. "C'est le ton qui fait la musique." - 1691 T. reluctant to open door in stormy
and cold night. He has pity but that might disappear as soon as the man is
warm. - 237 T. says inappropriate prayer in
synagogue on Rosh Hashana. "I am rich, and I want my voice to be
heard." - 1209 T. on Seder night abbreviates the
reading of the Haggadah by drinking the four glasses of wine right in the
beginning. 1222 T. on seder night finds the Haggada
bound together with "Slichot"-prayers. Comic results. - 1220 (1248)
T. sends rabbi a box of cheese
with: "I send you, Leah cheeses". (Confused calculation). - 1238 T. shows rabbi, father of
son-in-law his fields. Rabbi wants to know whether they are insured against
fire and hail. T.: "How does one make hail?" - 1321 T. is told by beadle to abbreviate
the blessing of the couple under the canopy. - 1205 T. in tawn's synagogue at the
beginning of the month. Says blessing appropriate only in leap year. - 1227 T. has two dogs. When he throws them
meat and they eat it, meat is unclean. - 1240 T. visits the grave of his father
and says the wrong prayer. Comic results. - 1210 Confused t. lifts the matsa plate
on Seder night. When facing a blank wall he remembers the reason for doing
so. - l218 Ignorant t. is host to swindler who
pretends to be a zaddik. - 638 Ignorant t. sends wife to rabbi in
order to learn "eruv tavshilim". Comic results. - 1229 Ignorant t. wishes to know
preparations for Passover. Sends his wife for observing smith for the
purpose. Smith is beating his wife. - 958 (see also No. 1217) Jewish t. is ordered by drunken graf
to go through the motions of swimming in front of his boon companions. T. is
grateful for not being ordered to dive. - 1919 Jewish t. ordered by landlord to
teach latter's dog to speak. - 1918 Jewish t. on his relationship with
1andlord: "If my posterior could speak it would tell about its
suffering." - 1917 Miserly t. lifts and shakes gentile
maid carrying the "four species" for Sukkot and says the
appropriate blessing. - 1225 Old t. rebuked by rabbi for not
knowing who has created him, says: "I am too old to remember." -
1247 Rich t. wants to marry off his
daughter to rabbi's son. Latter demands a huge dowry. - 1504 T.'s guest steals his horses. Couldn't
resist temptation to theft. - 1349 T.'s son becomes Bar-Mitsvah at the
age of eighteen. - l234 T.'s son is a complete ignoramus.
Private teacher tries his best with mnemonic device. Comic results. - l232 T.'s son has private teacher who
only teaches him Kaddish to father's consternation. - 1233 T.'s son on Seder night: "What
has Korah to do with Passover?" (Pun: Korah - Corekh = put together). -
1221 T.'s son tested by rabbi claims to
know the prayer book. He knows more than his father. - 1235 T.'s wife died. He pledges an
amount of money to pay after the harvest would be sold. Pays only half his due.
- 1237 T.'s wife finds grain of barley in
stewed fruit at Passover. It is declared "sour" (hamets) by rabi. -
1777 T.'s wife is hostess to fraudulent
wonderworker. Latter insinuates he wants to have sex with her. - 962 T.'s wife dips the meat pie into
milk. Pie is declared "kosher" by son-in-law later rebuked by
rabbi. - 1242 T.'s wife persuades husband to ask
rabbi for the title of "morenu" (our teacher) and honur him with a
turkey for Passover. - 1236 T.'s wife tells husband that she is
due for the ritual bath. He cannot respond. - 1231 Jewish taxcollectors serve as scapegoats
for their landlords when those are enraged. - 1916 Two t. complain about their
respective landlords who had them lashed in their rage about loss of money
and wife. - 1910 Two rivaling t., each trying to
prevent the other from a renewal of the tenure. - 956 Tea Shemaya never gets a cup of t. with
two lumps of sugar. - 263 Teacher(s) (of small chi1dren). See also "Pupil(s)",
"Fathe(s)", "Child(dren)" T. in America. t., pupil and father
hide each from the other in different situations and at different times of
the year. - 3099 T. asks his father for some money.
Father is reluctant to comply. - 554 T. asks father of pupil for payment
in advance. Is afraid pupil may die before the end of the period. - 556 T. asks questions leading to the meaning
of the word "Feather". Answer: "Bugs". - 2884 T. asks questions leading to the
meaning of the word "'Woman". Answer: "Hernia". - 2801 T. asked by visiting official how
many children he has. Answer: "Thirty-seven". Official laughs, and
t. adds: "I have a helper." - 550 T. of Birzai declared ignoramus by
R. Eizel. - 562 T. buys billy goat but his wife is
not satisfied. - 551 T. buys cow which has neither milk nor
meat. - 3012 T. buys goat which does not give any
milk. 1t dies of an infectious disease. - 182 T. carries two yolks in his
yarmulka. Spills them both. - 548 T. claims that there is only one
Dinar in the whole world. - 2095 T. coming to the market place hopes
for an opportunity to be driven home. - 547 T. convinced he'll be as rich as
the wealthy man when saving his salary for a thousand periods of teaching. -
1105 T. discovers how "money sticks
to money". - 234 T. discusses the usefulness of cats
and sheep for men. - 2885 T. almost drowns in river. Swears
that he wouldn't jump into it before learning to swim. - 1108 T.: "If I were Emperor I would
be richer than him since I go on teaching." - 553 T. is employed for half a year
only. - 557 T. enters bank and waits for teller
to say: "Chaim, take!" - 2096 T. examines pupils: "Who was Moses'
mother?" Answer: "Pharao's daughter." - 2882 T. fills his pails with water which
he pours out again so as to cause ill luck to invaders. - 974 T. elucidates why man gets drunken
from drinking wine. - 545 T. of innkeeper's son scrapes a
whole line in the book written by R. Segal. - 1243 T. left in shop by wife sells
stamps cheaper then post office. - 1107 T. looks with suspicion at
urbanized son brushing his teeth. - 1678 T. gets payment for being idle. -
558 T. praises labourers for building
bridge across river and not along its course. - 1111 T. prepares blockheaded
taxcollector's son for Bar-Mitsvah which is celebrated when boy is eighteen. -
1234 T. is to receive fifty rubles from
rich man if he could answer the question: "Who was Abraham's
mother?" He does so. - 1021 T. of rich man's sons does not
greet employer who deals with hogbristles. - 253
T. said to be stupid
"proves" that he is not by jumping from roof. Thank God, he breaks
his limbs. - 1113 T. would be satisfied if God gave
him nine thousand rubles. - 199 T. has saved money and is looking
for a suitable goat. Ends up in his own house. - 1109 T. sends pupil from one Talmud commentator
to another in order to find out the meaning of one word. - 542 T. teaches blockheaded taxcollector's
son the prayer for the dead. Father is furious. - l233 T. teaches blockheadect
taxcollector's son the blessing over wine by means of mnemonics. Comic
results. - 1232 (2640) T. tries mnemonics as to remind
child of how 8imson killed the Philistines. Points to his cheek. - 2883 T. is used to ask pupils for the
point in a Talmudic problem. Comic results. - 544 T. visits wealthy man. Spitting on
the floor he is given spittoon. Is afraid to spit into it. - 988 T. and his wife have only one pair
of shoes between them. - 555 T. wonders about the 60,000 soldiers
of the kink: not one of them has a hernia. - 973 T. working in a village near home
town comes home only once a year. Is afraid his wife would bear more children
than once a year. - 549 T. writes letter to his wife asking
for his sandals. - 2198 T.' s confused interpretation of
Rashi' s commentary to "urva parach" (of no consequence). - 543 T.'s elucidation on the corruption
of animals before the flood. - 536 T.'s elucidation on "men do
not go out in the rainy nights of Wednesday and Sabbat. - 538 T.'s elucidation when the question
arises on Moses being son-in-law of gentile priest. - 540 T.'s elucidation on unclean birds:
"Crazy fish." - 537 T.'s elucidation on "we
remembered the fish we ate in Egypt." Gets confused with clever pupils
questions. - 539 T.'s three shouts end with
"I". - 559 T.'s voice heard outside: "Now
we are going to the females." - 541 T.'s wife wants her husband to
finish lecture early next day. He announces: "I shall have a headache
tomorrow!" - 1106 Difference between t. and circumciser:
The latter makes a Jew out of a gentile and the former vice versa. - 561 Difference between a t. and a
woodcutter. - 560 Foolish t. buys male goat instead
of billy goat. - 1104 Foolish t. must pay tax on house.
Wonders how the Zar has known his name and what he needs his ruble for. -
1112 Old t. perceives the trick of the
duke who wants to prove stupidity of Jews in politics. - 2057 Poor t. is convinced that the sight
of one hundred rubles reported by some people is either a lie or some magic
manifestation. - 552 (2095) Theory of t. on a rich man's life
and of those still wealthier. - 546 Technology Latest t. has created machine into
which one puts uncombed and unwashed fleece and out comes ready woven material.
- 86 Telegram(s) T. announcing birth of son sent to
parents of young father is criticized by father-in-law. - 1695 T. demanding .payment of debts:
"Nu?" answered "Pshaw!" - 2978. Rothschild receives t. Announcing
the death of Hirsch and his legacy. - 227 Brief telegrams exchanges between husband
and wife on wife's surgery. Husband suspected of spionage. - 2958 Telegraph T. thought to be known by ancient Egyptians
because of wires found by archeologists. - 2237 Telephone Device of t. explained. "How does
one talk when both hands are needed for it to function?" - 2944 Tenant T. and houseowner before judge. Latter
complains that he has not received the rent for half a year. - 2632 T. and houseowner before rabbi.
Houseowner does not receive rent but t. asks rabbi to have houseowner deposit
rent for one year. - 2633 T. is paid by houseowner for
leaving the apartment in one house. T. pays the same amount as key money in
second house of same owner. - 2631 T. does not pay rent. Houseowner
gives him, money to leave the place since he wants to sell the house. - 2634 T. is peeping into bedroom of
Homburg. All he sees is an ugly wife. - 1532 Textile Plant Shares of T. fall from 200 to 120 when
an agent seeks shelter from the rain at the gate. Dispute with the guard - 3137
Thankful Fools Fool gets one blow by stranger when
clock strikes one. Is grateful that clock did not strike twelve. - 3120 Fool grateful for not being in the underpants
when they are being washed and whacked by wife. - 1089 Fool thankful about the fire in
town. It gives light and one can see where to put it out. - 2102 Fool thankful for not having
married girl suggested by matchmaker for she has recently became a widow. -
3119 Thank God for the five miracles: a)
that we have a thumb; b) that the snuff box has a bottom; c) that the
synagogue has an eastern wall; d) that Haman had only ten sons; e) that
eighteen means "alive" and four hundred and forty "dead".
- 2150 Thank God, it wasn't squash. - 1352
Thank God, that cows have no wings.
- 2108 Thief(ves) T. arrives at closed gate of yard
and jumps over fence. Claims that he landed on a horse's back and that ran
away with him. - 1330 T. asks permission for
pickpocketing among the crowd of fair. - 1343 T. as discoverer. Hersheli hopes to
find something of value in his own house with help of thief. - 2147 T. to judge: '''What shall I do,
whatever I find already belongs to someone." - 1332 T. before judge wonders what
argument could be made in his defence. - 1371 T. praises the victims of thieves
who deal terrible blows on delinquents when they catch them. - 1369 T. returns home after one year in
prison. Finds his wife with newborn babe. - 1376 T. returns purse to owner after it
had dropped from pocket but later steals it. - 1328 T. returns stolen goods to rabbi. -
l362 T. sentenced to forty lashes gets twenty
only. He thanks the judge. - 1372 T. steals beans. Is punished by
pushing the beans up his anus. - 1352 T. steals collection box from
synagogue. - 1356 T. steals hen of poor widow. Claims
to have taken it for protecting it. - 1355 T. steals taxcollector's horses. -
1349 T. steals watch and slaps the
owner's face. - 3120 T. takes only worthless items from
rich man's house. His wife is furious. - 1358 T. travels "eighth class",
that is under the bench stealing suitcases at the same time. - 1333 T. of vegetables claims to have
been blown into garden by strong wind. - 1350 T.'s picklock needed for opening
the Holy Arch. - l339 T.'s prayer on Yom Kippur and after.
- 1378 T.'s son has no need to learn the
craft. He knows it anyway. - 1335 T.'s son pays lavish meal out of the
pocket of a stranger's coat. - 1337 T.'s son thinks violinist to be a
fool since latter does not use his deft fingers as t. - 1377 Dead t. praised: "His son is a
greater t. than him." - 1379 Jewish t. arrested by police. He
has taken piece of rope with horse on other end. - 1348 Jewish t. without permit of
residence is caught. He laughs since he does not believe that fellow Jews
would surrender a "non-existent" to the police. - 1373 Jewish t. has stolen valuables from
a church. Claims that they were given to him by the Holy Mother. - 1364 Rich t. wants to marry off his
daughter to son of wealthy man. It turns out that both fathers are of same
profession. - 1509 Tailor is also t. He takes whatever
lies around in home of customer. – 1326 Thieves are called, to break locks
of Heaven by saying psalms for sick dignitary. - 1340 T. come to Modke' s. He is ashamed
as they wouldn't find anything. - 2176 T. are said to be the majority in Dünaburg. - 1341 "Do t. never die?" asks
child when reading the praises on tombstones. - 3160 (3161) Two t. in an orchard are noticed by
watchman. - 1351 Two t. steal a horse. One claims to
have been transformed into a horse for his transgressions. - 1346 T.'s synagogue is full on eve of
Yom Yippur. They are a1l there, and no theft is expected to occur. - 1338 Thought(s) T. of' a cohen during service:
"Who knows what happened to my shoes I left outside." - 1360 T. of man falling from third to
first floor in the night: "I wonder what the neighbor of second floor
does at this time of the night." - 1888, T. reading. Traveller pretends to
read t. of fellow: "You think about bankrupcy." Reply:" I
accept your good idea." - 96 Thoughts are free of charge. - 55 "What are your t.?" question
put by maiden to Young man. Reply: "The same as yours." The maiden
is disgusted. - 689 Threat Sham t.: "If you don't give me
money I shall do something neither Jew nor gentile has ever done
before." - 1703 Sham t. by beggar: "If you do
not give me anything I shall report to the one who has sent me." - 339 Sham t. by beggar: "If you do
not open the door I shall send you my brother-in-law." - 310 Sham t. by beggar: "If you do
not give me food, I shall do what father used to do." - 295 Tiger T. breaks out of circus and is to
be killed when found. Jew is afraid he would be killed first without being
proof that he is no t. - 1946 Tip T. of the delegates to the peace
conference in Versailles. Each gives the doorkeeper a t. according to the degree
of inflation in his country. - 2786 Toilet T. claimed to be unnecessary since
houseowner "is sitting among his own people." - 2845 T. of Jew breaks down during the Hitler
regime. He greets with lifting his right hand in order to show how far the
filth has come. - 1991 Peterburg of Zar Nicolai 1st compared
to t. - 1923 "When
you invented the t. you robbed us of our p1easure in the outhouse," says
old man to youngster. - 693 Tombstones T. tell about All the good people
who had died. So, only the evil ones are left in the world. - 3161 (3160) Tooth (Teeth) Rotten t. must be extracted but
patient refuses to open mouth. Dentist pricks his posterior with needle. - 940
Lower teeth should not be
neglected. Man eats two slices of bread at once, the one covered with butter
on top and the other below. 823 Tourist(s) American t. on his return home: "The
Western Wall is like any other western wall in the world." - 3097 American t. wants to buy jewellery "totseret
ha'arets" (made in the country) and no Palestinian junk. - 3096 Transgressors "Transgressors" made
"Hassidim" rather than "Hassidim" made "Transgressors."
(Later of R. Landa to printer of his book after latter had smoothed in it
former's attack on Hassidim.) - 674 Transmutation T. of goose into fish. When priest
can turn Jew into Christian with a drop of water Jew can turn goose into fish
in like manner. - l418 Trap "Did the Russians t. Przemysl
or wa- Przemysl a trap for the Russian?" - 2759 Travel Hereheli about to t. to Austria is
asked: "Do you know the language?" - Reply:" I'll be silent
unti1 I know it." - 2148 Traveller(s) T. asked why he is never visiting
the Holy Land. "I never travel by boat. It is too much dependent on God's
mercy." - 1873 T. from Minsk jumps in to bus
comp1tely naked. The Minskers have already finished their quota of trousers.
- 2830 Travellers on board of ship discuss
their respective hometowns. Provincial wonders what Warsowites do with one
million gentiles. - 2056 Treasurer (of Zaddik) T. blames taxcollector for giving
too little mony to Zaddik. - 620 T. could do everything like his
master excepting one: Put away the money received for redemption without
smiling. - 623 T. improves on Zaddik's statement.
- 638 T. unfavorably compared with eagle
and duck. - 2136 T. is not worried about the fa1se
coin left by Hassid. - 622 Tresspassing T. between Heaven and Earth. Man is
t. into the realm of God and vice versa. (Reply to accusation of Jews that they
killed Christ.) - 2013 A cohen (one of the tribe of
priests) believes he is permitted t. into compound of factory. - 2638 Trial On t. for falsification of
documents. Defendant claims to be ignorant of chemistry and legal affairs. -
1325 Trickster T. escapes without paying. - 809 Trousers T. bought second hand are full of
bugs. - 2863 T. offered to antiquary said to have
come down from times of Pharao. - 2864 Nobleman's t. spoilt by Jew
accidentally pouring coffee over them in station. Jew pays for the damage but
asks for the t. when train arrives. – 2062 Trustee(s) of Burial Society (Hevra Kadisha). (See
also: "Burial", "Burying", "Dead"). T. rules over cemetery and
procedures. - 3l58 T. wonders about man who comes to
bury his second wife. Didn't know he was married again. - 371 T. ask rabbi for money for new
fence right after death of childless man who had bequeathed his possessions
to community. - 372 Twice "T. the wish to the enemy."
- 1885 Twins T. are born to German woman. One is
named Paul and the other Adolf. Latter never stops shouting. - 1985 Two "T. presents (to the
king)." - 235 T. wanderers in night-lodgings. One
is twice beaten. - 205
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