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Elisheva Schoenfeld INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES J Jahrzeit J. in the Smolni-Building of the
Bolshevic leadership. - 2795 JESTERS Aphorisms A
Jewish bachelor's life is without joy, without blessing, without troubles and
without curses. - 1554 The
barber is the most insolent person of all with his job depending (hanging) on
(a) hair. (Pun). - 2159 Three
kinds of births there are: an early one, a late one and an unnatural one. -
1799 Five
characteristics of nature: Unorganic matter, plants, animals, male speakers,
female talkers. - 1535 The
cock outliving the eve of Yom Kippur and the middle-aged Lithuanian Jew not
converted until then, both must bless the miracle happened to them. - 2692 A
daughter's wedding is like a winter's frost: the eyes weep and the feet
dance. - 1493 A
dog in a Jewish home signifies that the Jew is no Jew or that the dog is no
dog. - 3146 God
gave man the power for making his son an orphan but not for making his son a
cantor. - 2172 The
Hebrew University is the materialistic center for those who are in possession
of the spiritual one. - 2652 A
Jew has three partners: 5% sugar (diabetis), 45% fear and 50% insolence. -
3145 On
free love: The one permits the other. - 3026 The
Jewish woman in Erets Israel understands but does not speak (Hebrew), whereas
the Jewish woman in all the other countries speaks but does not understand. -
2663 Three
persons are unfortunate: a dignitary, a fool and the husband of an evil wife.
- 1519 A
pessimist is one who only sees the hole in the cracknel where the optimist
sees the dough. -2239 On
a reformgemeinde: The lions on the shrine curtain are the only guardians of
the Decalogue. - 1868 Rich
men's envy of the wise surpasses that which the wise feel towards the rich. -
214 One
who sees a liar should say: "May everything turn out according to his word."- 1274 Sentenced to a fine, a Jew is not sorry for
his loss of money but for the gain of the opponent. - 1893 Of
the ten measures of suffering in the world, nine were taken by women. - 1548 Three
things are the cause of man's depression: a nice home, a comely wife and
beautiful objects. - 1534 As
vinegar is not sweet, it is (necessarily) sour; as honey is sweet, it must
not be sour. - 2220 Commentaries On
several Bible phrases from Exodus: God has more than enough troubles,
suffering and blows in his treasury. - 2191 On
"the angry cohanim". - 2194 On
"commentary of nonsense." - 2192 On
"All the days of the poor people are wretched." (Prov. 15; 15). - 185 On
the difference between now and then: We used to say to a tree, "you are
my father;" It is said now, "my father you are my tree." (Jer.
2; 27). - 1711 On
"All the dreams follow the mouth." (Berakhot 55; b). - 412 On
the eating of only dairy food on Shavuot. - 1854 On
foolish cantors standing in front of the shrine: "There is no wisdom, no
insight... against the Lord." (prov. 21; 30). - 498 On
the four sons in the Haggadah. - 179 On
Purim: "Why were Haman's ten sons punished?" (Various answers). -
1913 On
girls playing a game of cards on Hanukka: "We must not use these girls
(originally in the Hanukka song: candles) but merely look at them."
-1793 On
happiness: The happiest people is the one who knows to blow the shofar (Ps.
89; 16). - 2185 On
"...Jacob was a quiet (naive) man" (Gen. 25; 27). - 2157 On
"...and Jacob went out..." and "...and Jacob fled." -
1936 On
"Do not cook the kid in its mother's milk." (Exod. 23; 19). - 1741,
1810 On
"The Lord will bring a nation against you... whose language you will not
understand." (Deut. 28; 49). - 2068 On
"If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war." (Deut.
24; 5). - 1590 On
the order of the Mishna: first "Gittin" (divorces) and then "Kiddushin"
(marriages). - 1641 On
"Money cleanses bastards." - 210 On
"The poor are likened to the dead." (Proverb). - 203, 204 On
"a healthy poor." - 186 On
the "profit" of R. Yehuda by abbreviating the ten plagues
(notarikon) in the Haggadah. - 3, (2195) On
"The rabbi honours rich people." - 211,
212 On
"...it is Salomon's carriage escorted by sixty warriors..." - 2711 On
King Salomon's sentence: He found the mother of the babe. Finding the father
would have been more appreciated. - 2156 On
Salomon who "could not find one woman among thousand." - 1563 On
the symbolism of the "four species" of Sukkot. - 2190 On
a thief. Whenever one is noticed, one should say: "His wisdom opens
gates." - 1327 On
"...a time to mourn, and a time to dance." (Eccl. 3;4). - 586 On
the undertakers, the known drunkards not invited by God for drinking the sea instead
of parting it himself for Israel to cross. - 878 On
"...he could not keep warm even when they put covers on him." (Kings
I, 1; 1). - 1796 On
"He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." (Ps.
121; 4). - 2186 On
"For this will show wisdom and understanding to the nations." (Deut.
4; 6). - 1780 On
Yona's transportation inside the whale: Where a little worm chokes, a big Jew
goes in with ease. - 2163 Differences Between
the days of Napoleon and those of Hitler. - 1990 Between
matchmaking then and now. - 1485 Between
"a fool on condition" and "a fool on no condition." -
1155 Between
a headless nail and an official of the community. - 361 Between
undertakers of Abraham's times and those of the present. - 875 Observations Adam
surely was a Jew since his permit of residence was cancelled. - 1935 Bolshevic
leaders use the letters R.S.P,S,R. for the easy reading of Jews and gentiles
alike. - 2797 Dog
in front of jester: "The rabbi is in the lead." - 658 Doughnuts
are only eaten on (holi)-days when somebody or something is beaten. - 832 Hassid
fasting from one Sabbat to another. - 2193 Hassid
should include in his prayer Yehyda's mistake, Joseph's experience, Boas'
fears and David's fur. - 1795 Hernia
is an advantage from several aspects. - 2713 To
husband whose shrewish wife had recovered after being on the verge of death:
"Many are the plans in man's heart but the Lord's purpose prevails."
- 1634 Jester
hates his father-in-law with all his might. - 1721 Jester
promises longevity to anyone who marries in old age. - 1594 Jester
sympathizes with "So-to-speak" in his misfortunes. - 1730 Jester
talks to himself: "The first time that I speak to a wise guy." -
2459 A
Jew has no need of his feet during his life time excepting for bankruptcy.
-2154 The
careful man should avoid five dangerous beings. - 2699 One
man contradicts the other. -1898 The
needs of anybody who wants to become a rabbi. (Pun). - 414 The
office of cantor was established by King Salomon. (Pun). - 500 The
printer and the "Ellul's virgin" would make an ideal couple. - 1451
Sexual
relationship with an unmarried woman is forbidden since people should not be
made envious. - 1794 Rich
people give alms rather to poor cripples than to scholars. - 215 The
summer of Israel consists of seven weeks which are counted and bemoaned. -
2129 Women
curse the rolling-pin as an exercise before cursing the husband. - 1559 Five
wonders happened to Israel: He has a thumb, the snuff box has a bottom, the
synagogue has an Eastern Wall, Haman had ten sons, 18 in gematria means life
and 440 - dead. - 2150 A
writer must be poor. (Pun). - 583 Between Jew
and Heaven Accusation
of God for making fun of His people. - 3155 An
imaginary dialog with an angel after death. - 2161 Prayer:
Please God, you gave me five "in-spite-of-yourself" (Avot 4; 22). I
am satisfied with four of them. - 1833 Suggested
prayer for someone entering the public bath. (Pun). - 2862 Three
things honored by the fallen generation. - 1779 Suggested
revenge after hooligans had drawn a cross on the synagogue. - 2155 The
wonderful things in the world which are forbidden to the Jews. - 1609 A
wedding is being prepared in Heaven. - 2127 Yom
Kippur is a "Sabbat of rest". - 1773 Rites and
Ceremonies Best
men know their literature: They know "the way man wants to go he is
guided along." - 2128 The
blessing of the wine by the cantor and the beadle. - 502 Married
cantors pray in front of the shrine though their voice may break. - 512 Jester
curses Haman in Russian in the synagogue on Purim. - 1848 Reason
for the cancellation of the breaking of the glass at wedding ceremonies in
Budapest. - 1800 Reason
for the wedding ceremony to be determined after "counting". - 1494 Thank
God, there are no bells in synagogues nor in houses of learning. - 1861 JEWS
(see also: "Israel", "Gentile(s)"), "Renegade(s)") Jews among
Themselves J.
addresses J. asking his way in the streets of London. - 730 J.
advises converted friend to marry his daughter to renegade who had become
mayor. - 1416 J.
and cow, what is the difference between them? - 1912 J.
about to emigrate to Erets Israel is asked to pray on Esau's grave for the
wellbeing of Jacob's sons. - 3072 J.
enjoys the show with the Jewish violonist, dancer and singer. - 1983 (3064) J.
readily getting up for selihot likened to horse. - 473 J.
on leaving the synagogue in Berlin is advised to leave etrog and lulav
behind. - 3156 J.
with hooked nose tries to hide his Jewishness. - 1902 J.
has two souls: the gentile and the Jewish. - 1388 A
J. never starves to death; he dies of desire. - 2365 Bessarabian
J. regrets the death of Lithuanian rabbi who had invited him for a meal on
Yom Kippur. - 1212 He
cannot be a J. since he is too foolish. - 2012 Converted
J. with hooked nose: "I am still a J. inside." - 1409 Converted
J. wants to marry Jewish girl. - 1415 The
difference between "J" and "Israelite". - 1977 Galician
J. delivers speech in the Polish language. - 2951 An
orthodox J. watches his stomach in this world and his posterior in the next.
- 1828 Polish
J. claims that German Jews are fools. - 2701 Shaved
J. is ready to die without beard. - 1787 Westernized
J. orders two portions of shalet for the ascent of his father's soul. - 1265 When
does one become a J.? - 1398 Jews
are killing J. nowadays and bury them in the sand. (On dishonest real-estate
agents.) - 2662 J.
a nation of fakirs are buried in the earth but not dead. - 2996 J.
are proud of the Jewish musicians in concerts and operas. - 3064 (1983) "J.
are a troublesome and stubborn nation." - 2593 All
are J. in Erets Israel. - 2609 Lithuanian
J. decided not to leave the country. - 2694 Three
kinds of J.: a whole Jew, a third and a quarter Jew, almost a Jew. - 1347 What
is the value of J.? - 1937 Jews and
Antisemitism. (see also: "Officer(s), "Junker") J.
and antisemitic Stecker. Stecker: Thousands follow our flag. J.: The millions
go with us. - 1944 J.
tells his own age and Hitler's. - 1993 J.
lets his pants down for showing to governor the marks of whipping received
from the latter's subordinate. - 1942 J.
tormented by Russian. - 1932 Jews
and bicycle riders are guilty of bringing the war into the world. -2755 J.
travelling by coach through village are stoned by barefoot gentile. - 2075 J.
must wear specific hats in Portugal. - 1914 Jews and Christianity.
(see also: "Baptism") J.
condemned to death calls for priest. Would rather have a gentile hanged than
a J. - 1423 "J.
does not convert to Christianity." - 1430 J.
gives up intention of being baptized when he is whipped for each of all the
saints. - 1393 J.
and instigator discuss the effects of holy water on dust. - 2001 J.
intending to be baptized cannot believe in Trinity. - 2007 J.
does not know himself in clothes of priest. - 1139 J.
loses all his money. Asks rabbi and parson to Dray for him. – 2029 J. wants to be baptized since he hates his
family. - 1389 J.
wants to be baptized before Passover since he needs the money for buying the
appropriate food. - 1390 A
baptized J. found eating a goose on Friday by Catholic priest. - 1418 A
baptized J. is an unbaptized Christian. - 1418 Levy
Yitzhak excuses seventy year old J. for being baptized. - 1431 Jews
have themselves baptized several times for the payment they receive on that
occasion. - 1392 J.
intending to be baptized are made to wait for priest. They pray the
afternoon-prayer in the mean time. - 1391 J.
prefer going to hell rather than being neighbors of instigator in paradise. -
2000 Jews and
Gentiles, Peaceful Co-Existence J.
boasts of Russian Zar: Though he does not move, the front moves towards him.
- 2772 J.
finds gentile travelling in first class compartment has bought ticket for
second class. - 749 J.
and Frenchman discuss the Dreyfuss affair. J. demands redress. - 2035 J.
and gentile; the difference of their daily routines and funerals. - 3074 J.
to gentile judge: I am a cantor to adults, a teacher to children and a slaughterer
to oxen. - 1980. J.
has married gentile woman. - 3056 J.
occupied with traditional activities on outgoing Yom Kippur observes landlord
and his lady. - 2052 J.
sells brandy to gentiles only - 888 J.
sells keg of wine to gentile in stomach of wale. - 1 J.
thinks about buying town from graf. - 55 Difference
between J. and gentile: When gentile if thirsty he drinks three glasses; when
J. is thirsty he suspects having diabetis. - 2081 Duel
of J. and gentile in America. - 2748 Jews
come to Kaiser Wilhelm II and wish him victory in war. - 2752 J.
and gentiles plough a field together. - 2045 J.
are helpless in view of huge stone blocking their way. Gentiles push it
aside. - 3051 J.
invited to ball given by new mayor. - 1940 Prayer
of J. pertaining to the destruction of their foes has never taken effect. -
1941 Transgression
of dietary and other laws. (see also: "Eating") J.
comes to "Tashlikh" with gentile woman. - 1808 J.
having danced with gentile maiden and eaten porc is reprimanded by rabbi. -
1805 J.
drinking coffee with milk in gentile restaurant reprimanded. - 3055 J.
eats forbidden food for "taking revenge on gentile who had eaten Sabbat
food." - 1736 J.
is forced by landlord to eating porc. - 821 J.
cannot resist the smell of porc. - 1851 Jews under
Zarist and Bolshevic Rule J.
claims to be expert in making ink for getting a permit of residence. -1931 J.
interrogated by Bolshevic secret police on how he makes a living if not on
foreign currency. - 2835 J.
interrogated by Cheka (secret police) on his whereabouts at various times. -
2834 J.
without permit of residence caught in Moscow. Claims his craft to be calling
for a quorum of ten. - 982 J.
without permit of residence in Moscow has no job. After baptism has permit
but again no job. - 1387 J.
without permit of residence in Petersburg is threatened by governor with
immediate deportation. - 1926 J.
with permit of residence in Petersburg runs away from policeman for covering
friend without one. - 1925 J.
tortured by Russian secret police intending on squeezing foreign currency.
- 2817 Jews
hide their wives and daughters when the Russians conquer Galicia during World
War I. - 712 Jewelry J.
"Made in the Country" demanded but no trash of Erets Israel. - 3096
Jewish J.
Agency with half Zionist and half non-Zionist members compared with sausage
stuffed with chicken and horse. - 2601 J.
bags of troubles. – 2191, 2982 (2186) J.
child cuts fir trees for Christmas. - 2036 Joint American
J. sent delegate to refugee concentration. Complaint about delegate's
behavior. - 2705 Joke J.
is told to a Frenchman, a Russian and a Jew. The various lengths of 1augh. -
2083 J.
told by Jew to curious but foolish gentiles. - 2082 J.
told by sharp-witted Radek to Stalin. - 2820 Journalists Two
j. (Rubashow and Katznelson) in the curfew of Tel-Aviv in 1929. - 2625 Judaism "J.
is sick." - 459 "Pure
J. has been preserved in great filth." - 2840 Judge(s).
(see also: "Defendent(s)", "Thief(ves)") J.
to witness: "Did you see it?" Witness breaks wind and asks the same
question. - 3142~ J.
inclined to take bribe is annoyed with rabbi's inkstained hands. - 1955 J.
known for taking bribes runs off to another country (pun). - 427 J.
refuses to employ Jewish secretary. - 1943 J.
wonders why thief caught in the act of stealing needs a counsel for defence.
- 1371 Bribe
sent to j. in the name of the opponent. - 1319 Deaf
j. is promised bribe but promise is not kept. - 425 "There
is a law and there is a j." - 1855 Jewish
judges in Hungary along with gentile j. - 1938 Junker J.
complains that the old custom of hanging a Jew together with a dog has been
abandoned. - 1962 Justice J.
and Truth have gone from the world. They are buried with the dead. - 3161 |