Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

W

Waiter (See also: "Inn", "Innkeeper(s)", "Guest(s) of Inn" "Restaurant")

W. brings coffee in chamber pot to antisemitic officer. - 1958

W. drops meat on floor, then serves it to customer. - 794

W. forgets comb for "combing the soup". - 797

W. holds meat on plate by putting his hand on it. - 3126

W. doesn't know when fish were fresh. He only serves six weeks. - 782

W. refuses to exchange spoon with yolk stuck to it for clean one. - 769

W. is sorry he cannot serve customer filled spleen baked in oil. - 817

W. wakes sleeping guest early in the morning. He needs the table cloth guest is sleeping on. - 775

Warehouse

W. in Moscow. Neither tractor nor butter can be bought there. - 2825

Washing facilities

W. seem difficult in Palestine for newly arrived maiden. - 2657

Watch

W. compared with German: When it is struck it works. - 2762

Watchmaker

W. is given watch for repair. After "repair" it only works when shaken. Customer needs a watch and not a lulav. - 131

W. praises his watches: "They are faster than the Tower clock. - 132

W. being also slaughterer is bad at both crafts. - 495

W. hasn't touched the watch to be repaired. It doesn't work. - 133

Water

W. bought at market since hen is all fat, fat like oil, oil like water. - 1095

W. of Marienbad prescribed as remedy against corpulence. - 1639

W. is sufficing for the Jews in Palestine. What they lack is fire (Alfred Mond). - 2666

"The drop of w. would not put out the fire of hell," says Jew to priest trying to have him baptized. - 2005

"Three kinds of w. are lost: w. flowing into the sea, w. poured into wine, and w. sprinkled on Jew." - 1999

Watercarrier

W. inherits some money which he gives as a loan to a rich man. - 1088

W.'s daughter and woodcutter's son are getting married. Dispute over dowry. - 1487

W.'s wife washes his pants. ("Thankful fool"). - 1089

Wealthy man (men) (See also: "Rich", "Poor", "Beggar(s)")

W. bankrupts. Does not pay butcher's bill. - 109

W. decreases beggar's "monthly allowance". - 270

W. gives but 5% interest on deposit. - 93

W. invites Maskil to his 50th birthday party. Latter is "antisemite" of sweatmeats. - 1270

W. meets young people speaking Hebrew. Thinks they say the prayer book by heart. (3 versions). - 1261

W. reminded of Jahrzeit by beadle. - 535

W. and his scribe. - 563

W., his sons and sons-in-law and guests play cards at sunrise. - 985

W. and teacher each digs a pit at night, the one for his jewelry, the other for his wife. - 1625

W. trading with hog bristles is not greeted by teacher of his son. - 253

W. is warned of pride. - 224

W.'s death is not mourned. - 489

How much is the w. worth? - 209

W. men are well taken care of by bath attendant. - 404

Weather forecast

W. made by rag mounted on high pole. - 3112

Weeding

W., a pleasure on Sabbat. - 1831

Week

W. of five days introduced by Lenin for Bolshevic Moscow. 2829

Weeping

W. in the family of the Zar. - 2778

"Weil," so schliesst er messerscharf, "nicht sein kann, was nicht sein darf." - 893 (?). 1746

Wezir

W. of Portugal's king introduces three hats of Jews to audience of those of Jewish descent: himself, the bishop and the king himself. - 1914

Wholesaler(s) (see also: "Dealer(s)", "Merchant(s)", "Peddler(s)", "Shopkeeper(s)")

W. admires Jew of small town: "Yesterday a beggar and today a shopkeeper." - 114

W. asks factory for mailing the second part of ordered goods before paying first lot. - 88

W. comes to small town for a rest and not for business. - 38

W. instructs salesman to sell the surplus in the provinces: five blouses for the price of four. - 23

W. instructs his son on how brief a telegram should be sent to merchant owing money. - 2978

W. refuses giving credit for 90 days. Fears sleepless nights. - 24

W. sends salesman for selling summer dresses in provinces. Reduces price until latter drops dead. - 168

W. takes goods on credit only once but from many places. He never pays. - 80

W.'s agent sent to small place for collecting a debt. Told not to hurry and drink coffee. Telegraphs: "No coffee. What shall I do?" - 1145

W.'s agent steals pairs of trousers. Employer deducts their price from salary. - 73

W.'s employee has notebook of foolish deeds of employer and customers. - 172

W.'s employee has sacks of flour transported from mill. Takes one kopeck per sack for himself. - 1367

Widow (see also: "Husband(s)", "Wife(ves)", "Widower")

W. of rabbi has lease on the manufacture of candles. Refuses to pay rent. - 39

W. of water carrier leaves her savings for shrouds with rabbi's wife. They gradually decrease. - 999

Faithless w. thinks of getting married again at husband's funeral. - 1603

Old w. marries a dumb. - 709

Rich w. of good family visits widowed R. Heshel for making a match between him and a rich w. ... herself. - 1517

Young w. lying on husband's grave is tickled by beetle crawling over her breast. Blames husband. - 1604

Young w. marries old widower. Wished he would leave her (as) a w. - 1597

Old w. intends to deposit a certain amount of rubles at bankrupt banker's. - 94

Widower (See also: "Husband(s), "Man (men)", "old")

W. too busy for holding wife's funeral on fixed day. - 1630

W. cautions porters to carefully step with wife's coffin. Is afraid she will revive as at her first funeral. - 1584

W. is certain that only a mad woman would marry him. Therefore, prefers to stay single. - 1649

W. with children marries widow with children. - 1660

W. at the funeral of third wife asks porters for taking the coffin to cemetery through yards and fields. - 1617

W. marries second and third time without service of matchmaker. - 1489

W. marries three sisters. They die one after the other before him. - 1616

W. prefers to stay single. - 1615, 1621

W. prefers to stay single. Cannot decide on woman who would suit him. - 2092

W. on his way back from the funeral of his wife is hit by roof tile. Blames the wife. - 1586

Old w. intends to marry a third wife, virgin. - 1623

Old w. marries virgin since "he loves himself. - 702

Old w. marries young woman for sewing the buttons on his pants. - 706

Rich w. intends to marry virgin since sons of second wife claimed by latter to be dead are visiting him. - 1623

Wife(ves) (See also: "Husband(s)", "Matchmaker(s)", "Rabbi Adviser in Connubial Problems")

W. admonishes husband for eating on Yom Kippur. - 1746

W. advised by rabbi to answer her quarrelsome husband with silence. - 3033

W. of bankrupt banker refuses to accept deposit of widow. Husband would have taken the money and given her alms. - 94

W. of bankrupt man offers her husband and herself to be sold by creditors. - 100

W. though beautiful compared to hurting shoe. - 1533

W. bitten by dog. Dog may become mad. - 1551 .

W. does not blame husband before divorce since she must be loyal. After divorce, she does not blame stranger. - 1605

W. breaks her leg on entrance to Sukkah. - 1638

W. comes home from baker with strange Sabbat dish. - 1637

W. commits adultery with officer. Husband would have beaten him had he a pistol. - 2750

W. complains to rabbi about annoying husband. - 964

W. complains to rabbi about husband's gluttony and drinking. Rabbi rebukes him for neglect of his family. - 867

W. complains to rabbi about husband's neglect of putting on phylacteries. - 1781

W. demands of husband, a glutton and drunkard to read the Haggadah on Seder night. - 814

W. of doctor is barren. A woman comes to consult doctor in the same matter but cannot rely on one who cannot help his own w. - 920

W. given as mother-in-law to young man at the same time as daughter is given him as w. - 1724

W. of Hersheli claims that she would not have married him if her father had not made her. - 2140

W. of Hersheli comes naked before him every day as against Vashti who was supposed to come naked before Ahasverus only once. - 2139

W. of Hersheli heaps abuses on him when he comes home drunken. - 879

W. of Hersheli reported dead. The money received for shrouds, they spend on food for Passover. - 2138

W. to husband on eve of Passover: "I burned all leavened dough and bread." Husband: "Excepting yourself!" - 1602

W. to husband: "You now curse me, but after I'll die you scratch the earth for having me back." Husband: "I wished I could scratch now." - 1613

W. of immigrant brings her eighteen children to America. - 3045

W. informs rabbi about husband's new smoking habits in the middle of the night. - 1606

W. interferes incessantly while dying husband is dictating will to rabbi. - 1626

W. must know her husband by his knock on the door. - 3116

W. of Kommerzienrat claims to have met Rembrandt the painter on streetcar No. 9 going to Potsdam circle. - 1271

W. loudly laments dying husband. - 1628

W. pities traveller in stormy winter night. Husband: "As soon as you let him in my pity will be gone." - 237

W. of poor man is angry with husband bringing guest. - 297

W. of poor man makes omelette without eggs, without butter and without a pan. - 187

W. of poor man offers guest a dish of "plague and cholera" for supper. - 296 (1611)

W. of poor man sends husband begging for alms to rich man. - 250

W. of rich husband complains about the many poor people in town. - 239

W. of rich man in labour sighs in Russian and French. Doctor hastens to her bedside as soon as she cries out in Yiddish. - 2952

W. of rich man to poor visiting relative: "Do you not long to see your w.?" Guest is willing to call for his. w. - 243

W. being robbed of cracknels, their livelihood, is forgiven by husband. - 1650

W. is to be sold without charge. - 1656

W. of son comes from the same town as friend's. - 1549

W. spends all the curses in the world on husband within one day. - 1552

W. suspects husband of neglecting his prayer when travelling. Puts handkerchieves in bag of phylacteries. - 1784

W. must take a mouthful of water and keep it there until anger of husband subsides. - 1600

W. thrown into the sea. Her tongue is the heaviest thing on board. - 1539

W. unwittingly reveals having a lover. - 1812

wakens husband in the middle of the night for rocking the child. - 1659

W. wants husband to stop drinking and die like the goat. - 843

W.'s complaint:"The more luck (children) we have, the less we have to eat." - 191

W.'s tongue is the cause for husband's disease of the lung. - 1540

Angry w. has prepared "dish of malaria" for lunch. - 1562, (1611)

Cobbler's w. hit by last "unintentionally" thrown at her by husband. - 1570

Cursing w. and "forgiving" husband. - 1579

Cursing w. is hell for husband. Therefore, he smokes on Sabbat. - 1565

Death of w. is like eating horse radish, the eyes weeo and the heart is glad. - 1578

Death of second w. before first preferred. - 1620

Dying w. implores husband to make peace with mother-in-law. - 1629

Elimelekh's wife is evil. "No grass is growing on her head." - 3034

Evil w. is in agony for some time but recovers. - 1634

Hersheli'e w. took (ritual) bath in winter resulting in a belly swelling like a barrel. - 2132

His w. refuses to die in spite of his generous allowance. - 1610

"The longer the w. is in the ground the more she improves." - 1587

Modke's w. welcomes the guest with a dish of "troubles, suffering and cholera." - 1611 (1562)

"My w. must have been poisoned. Yesterday she bit her tongue." - 1550

Newly wedded w. compared to matsah: dried-up, black and speckled. - 1524

Second w. is evil. - 1553 (pun)

Second young w. of old man compared to phylacteries of R. Tarn. - 3032

Shemaya's resolute w. "has her arms with her," and husband is afraid of arms. - 2090

Shemaya's w. would have known from where to take the money for her own funeral. - 2091

Shemaya's w. would have known a suitable second w. for her widowed husband. - 2092

Sick w. sent to health resort and supported by husband does not return home. - 1640

Tailor's w. to husband about to leave with a bundle of trousers to be sold: "God willing, you will return without trousers." - 979

Talkative w. knows 4 languages, that means she took 36 measures of talk. - 1537

Talkative w. has her mouth shut up with thermometer. - 1536

Ugly w. abandoned by husband is promised by Zaddik that he will return. The others know better. - 1529

Ugly w. asks husband for curtains so as to prevent neighbor from peeping. Husband suggests to wait until neighbor will do it. - 1532

Ugly w. complains about husband who wants to divorce her. - 1528

Ugly w. is reason for demanding a divorce. - 1527

An ugly w. is a sure sign of husband's trustworthiness. - 1530

Ugly w. thought to be servant of the house. 1523, 1525

Ugly w. always travels with husband, He cannot give her a good-bye kiss. - 1531

Years of w.'s life are contributed by volunteer for prolonging life of zaddik. - 1635 (690)

Three wives of Shnitkaver: two are evil and one is good. He divorces all three of them. - 1588

Wig

A w. is found in the cooking pot. ("In a well-ordered household nothing is lost...) - 2859

Wine

W. is cheating when it is supposed to do its task: When sent to the stomach it "goes" into the head. - 860

A w. keg has been brought home by Rersheli ... in his stomach. - 879

W. is leaking out of hole at the bottom of the keg. - 379

W. and water in the keg. Each of Neutra's residents pours water into the keg thinking the others would pour in wine. - 1324

"Good and cheap w. is sold here." - 862

Three bottles of w. are sufficient for the benediction of Sabbat and for its outgoing when both are done together. 857

"The taste of w. triumphes over the 70 reasons for not drinking w." (Modena) - 881

Winedealer (see also: "Wine")

W. awakened in the middle of the night by neighbor who wishes to buy keg. - 3131

W. compared with Moses who also dealt with water. - 52

W. offers Brodes mead. Latter refuses to call it "drink". - 886

W. sells three kinds of wine and vinegar all from the same barrel. - 51

W. wakes up in the night and wants to study without expressly telling the gentile boy to light the candle. - 2055

W. wonders about being poor although he sells his wine mixed with 50% water. - 49

W.'s answer to Polish graf's antisemitic remark: "Wine and women were expensive at agricultural exhibition." - 1982

Dying w. to sons: "I discovered some good ingredients for wine, even grapes." - 50

Wisdom

W. acquired from experience. - 415

W. preferred to riches though wise men knock on the door of the rich. - 213

W. preferred to riches: "Wise people have become rich but rich ones have never become wise." - 214

Witness (see also: "Delinquent(s)", "Judge(s)")

W. in court claims to have heard about the matter in question but not seen. Is disqualified. - 3142

Main w. to investigation committee in 1930 forgets everything when questioned by Jewish delegates but remembers every detail when questioned by Arab delegates. - 2675

Wolf

A w. happened to be shot by hunter. Lone man believes his stick has done the job. "If God wills even a stick shoots." - 2747

Woman(men) (see also: "Man(men)", "poor", "rich", "Widow", "Widower", "Wife(ves) ", "Husband(s)")

W. asks doctor for an examination: "May be you will find some disease." - 941

W. in doctor's waiting room. Doctor's wife tells her that she is barren. The woman goes away since doctor cannot cure his own wife. - 920

W. comes to R. Eizel and complains about her dream on her only son being mad. - 218

W. comes to Rothschild asking for support. She claims to be a near relative of his. - 247

W. complains about being poor. If she were rich her only little boy already would be bar-mitsvah. - 977

W. complains that she had not received any message from her father since six months ago. - 1018 (1175)

W. used to "correct" mistakes made by reader of the Tora makes a fool of herself. - 965

W crosses rickety bridge and promises contribution to R. Meir the wonderworker on her safe return. ("God can't take a joke") - 996

W. holds prayer book upside-down. She is left-handed. - 1214

W. has lost her chicken and contributes some coins to R. Meir the wonderworker. The chicken cannot be found, and R. Meir is accused. - 978

W. to be married should be either so beautiful that money does not matter or so rich that beauty does not matter. 1500

W. goes to "measure the field" (the cemetery) in the days between Rosh Hashanh and Yom Kippur. - 997

W. has no more mercy with Joseph who has himself sold every year. ("The same old story"). - 975

W. visits doctor with all kinds of pains and disturbances. - 939

W. of Zulu tribe "is also good" (Pun). - 3037

W.'s child is sick with scarlet fever. She doesn't trust Heaven. - 950

W.'s life is lost as soon as she goes to the wedding canopy. - 1592

A beautiful w. sitting next to Adam Hacohen at a banquet reminds him of the destruction of the Temple. - 1804

Blind w. would have given money to Modke if she could have seen him. - 2177

Comely w. compared with Sabbat candle. - 3149

Learned w. says that Moses was worse than Haman. - 1215

Old w. hurries to see the synagogue burning since she had not seen the Temple burning. - 971

"Do not talk too much with a w.!" - 1801

Rich and fat w. pays high price for being carried by a porter through the mire of Pinsk. Porter cannot reach his posterior and uncovers hers instead. - 2986

Wealthy w. in view of gentile funeral in April (Nissan): "The death of a poor Jew would be preferable to that of Esau (Christian)." - 238

Wise w. with many children: "I love all of them however, all of them open their mouths" (want food and clothing). - 3044

Women are the fiercest among the animals. (Pun on names.) - 1607

W. are forbidden to enter stock exchange during certain hour. - 9

W. are pushed aside at funerals since "the Angel of Death dances in front of them." - 1576

The difference between the Israeli w. and those of the whole world. - 2663

Wailing w. at funeral of friend. - 2165

Why do w. curse the rolling pin on Sabbat eve when preparing chale? - 1559

Wonderworkers and their deeds

Angel of Death chokes woman to death in spite of the rabbi's efforts. - 600

Angels play on rabbi's bed but horses couple on his wife's. - 615

Beams did not turn into snakes upon the rabbi's explicit prayer. - 594

Disciples of rabbi remain poor. Rabbi wants to help and could do so. However, he does not help. - 595

Exchange of colors. Flask is red and rabbi's face pale. Later, rabbi's face is red and flask pale. - 610

Hands of gentiles are paralyzed when they intend to stone the rabbi. Latter had been hurt by deaf man. - 597

The rabbi ascends to Heaven. - 596

The rabbi was not attentive: The woman gives birth to two daughters instead of one boy. - 601

The rabbi and disciples are in R., and the rabbi sees the fire in far away L. - 593

The rabbi goes to save a fallen man, but he cannot revive him. - 599

The rabbi orders the dried-up river to throw-up fish for Sabbat. Clouds cover the sky, and the rains do not stop. The rabbi waves his belt and orders the moon to show itself for the blessing. - 590 (1656)

The rabbi's prayer produces rain which cannot be stopped. - 598

The rabbi turns his eyes to roasted chicken which is transformed into a heap of bones. - 614

Rain pours down on travellers. The rabbi spreads his arms, and the sun shines for the travellers only. - 591

Rabbi and disciples return on eve of Shabbat. Night comes, and the rabbi waves his arms: Sabbat is right and left but weekday on the road. - 591

The stick prays the afternoon prayer. - 592

The zaddik blesses mentally disturbed man and so heals him. - 678

Wonderworker and Maskil. The former promises the woman that she will have a child, and she hasn't. The latter promises she won't have a child, and she has one. - 1816

Woodcutter

W.'s craft becomes easier with every addition of gentile as against teacher whose craft becomes more difficult with every addition. - 560

W.'s son and watercarrier's daughter are getting married. -1487

World

W. divided between madman and his partner the zaddik. - 1160

"The w. is entirely imaginary. Nothing exists excepting the stove." - 2085

The w. is upside-down. Rich men receive loans as soon as there is money in sight while poor men are never getting the loans they need. - 230

W. War I, a war of G.O.G. and M.A.G.O.G. (each letter used for a word of abuse. - pun). - 2754

Writer

Old w. observes a young couple comfortably sitting in a corner. - 1802