Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

T

Table ware

T. of rich host is admired by poor guest. Both enjoy them. - 252

Tailor

T. asking for half the tuition fee from father whose son he is to teach the craft: "Your son knows already to drink but he'll never learn the craft." - 126

T. claims that he earns his money "by the sweat of his brow." - 153

T. claims his small due from bankrupt merchant. Later does not pay. - 102

T. emigrates to America and there becomes rabbi and cohen. - 447

T. does not finish rabbi's kapota within six days. His work is excellent as compared to God's world. - 125

T. gets order for wedding dress of bridegroom. Assures father that his works has never been ridiculed, only bemoaned. - 124

T. has made a too long kapota for small rabbi. - l23

T. sends apprentice to buy two herrings. Apprentice eats one. Illogical use of numbers. - 1009

T. teaches his son the craft and "taking whatever lies around" when delivering the suit. - 1326

T. of trousers. - 979

T. is used to call someone for reading the Tora. Does so in torn dress and is rebuked by warden of synagogue. - 127

A tailor's sons. One becomes t. the other rabbi. Exchange of roles with comic results. - 1259.

Man is like a Polish t. As long as t. breathes he is alive. In the end he dies. - 471

Talit

T. as remedy for sick person who must sweat. - 3054

Talking

T. with accentuation. Linguist's experiment in putting it in written form. - 2949

T. outside in winter proves to be difficult. Both hands are in the pockets. - 2945

T. into a telephone proves to be difficult when both hands are occupied. - 2944

Jew and Russian t. to each other, each in his own language. - 2948

Two Jews t. to each other in a bus confuse the driver of the bus behind. - 2943

Two Jews talking to each other are the only survivors of a shipwreck. - 2942

Tanner

T. has customer air his hides. - 36

Tarzan

T. vehemently denies being Jewish. - 2073

Taxcollector(s)

T. asks bookbinder for rebi1ding his big but badly damaged Talmud to a small to a small "Slichot". - 1248 (1220)

T. buys "misrah" since every Jewish visitor had looked and asked for it. - 1230

T. comes to rabbi and complains about his brutal and insolent son-in-law. - 1239

T. complains about being pestered by spirits which leave grains of barley in places cleaned for Passover. - 1223

T. hears rumour that the Messias is to come. Is very angry. His wife soothes him: "Zaddikim (the Lord) will prevent him from coming." - 957, 3013

T. is host to zaddik who blesses him: "May the Messias come in our day and Israel be gathered in the Ho1y Land." T. would prefer others to go there. - 992

T. is host to zaddik. The contribution he is prepared to make is too small in the eyes of the zaddik's treasurer. - 620

T. is host to zaddik. On latter's departure asks for a blessing. - 1246.

T. is host to zaddik on the 9th of Av. Latter bewails the destruction of the temple. T. does not know when and where the temple burned. - 1245

T. does not know when to bless and when to kiss phylacteries. - 1199

T. has little time to see rabbi on problems of clean or unclean food. He "solves" them himself. - 1241

T. is looking for a learned son-in-law though he has no daughter - 966

T. takes measure of half the Hallel-prayer in prayer-book on night of new moon. - 3084

T. orders whine-dealer to prepare for him a lavish meal on 9th of Av. Claims to be ill. - 1755

T. has particular gentile maid for the Sabbat night on 9th of Av. - 3085

T. reading the Hageadah on the ten plagues spills the wine for himself and his wife. - 1219

T. receives letter from son asking for money to buy trousers. Slaughterer and cantor read the letter, each one in a different tone. "C'est le ton qui fait la musique." - 1691

T. reluctant to open door in stormy and cold night. He has pity but that might disappear as soon as the man is warm. - 237

T. says inappropriate prayer in synagogue on Rosh Hashana. "I am rich, and I want my voice to be heard." - 1209

T. on Seder night abbreviates the reading of the Haggadah by drinking the four glasses of wine right in the beginning. 1222

T. on seder night finds the Haggada bound together with "Slichot"-prayers. Comic results. - 1220 (1248)

T. sends rabbi a box of cheese with: "I send you, Leah cheeses". (Confused calculation). - 1238

T. shows rabbi, father of son-in-law his fields. Rabbi wants to know whether they are insured against fire and hail. T.: "How does one make hail?" - 1321

T. is told by beadle to abbreviate the blessing of the couple under the canopy. - 1205

T. in tawn's synagogue at the beginning of the month. Says blessing appropriate only in leap year. - 1227

T. has two dogs. When he throws them meat and they eat it, meat is unclean. - 1240

T. visits the grave of his father and says the wrong prayer. Comic results. - 1210

Confused t. lifts the matsa plate on Seder night. When facing a blank wall he remembers the reason for doing so. - l218

Ignorant t. is host to swindler who pretends to be a zaddik. - 638

Ignorant t. sends wife to rabbi in order to learn "eruv tavshilim". Comic results. - 1229

Ignorant t. wishes to know preparations for Passover. Sends his wife for observing smith for the purpose. Smith is beating his wife. - 958 (see also No. 1217)

Jewish t. is ordered by drunken graf to go through the motions of swimming in front of his boon companions. T. is grateful for not being ordered to dive. - 1919

Jewish t. ordered by landlord to teach latter's dog to speak. - 1918

Jewish t. on his relationship with 1andlord: "If my posterior could speak it would tell about its suffering." - 1917

Miserly t. lifts and shakes gentile maid carrying the "four species" for Sukkot and says the appropriate blessing. - 1225

Old t. rebuked by rabbi for not knowing who has created him, says: "I am too old to remember." - 1247

Rich t. wants to marry off his daughter to rabbi's son. Latter demands a huge dowry. - 1504

T.'s guest steals his horses. Couldn't resist temptation to theft. - 1349

T.'s son becomes Bar-Mitsvah at the age of eighteen. - l234

T.'s son is a complete ignoramus. Private teacher tries his best with mnemonic device. Comic results. - l232

T.'s son has private teacher who only teaches him Kaddish to father's consternation. - 1233

T.'s son on Seder night: "What has Korah to do with Passover?" (Pun: Korah - Corekh = put together). - 1221

T.'s son tested by rabbi claims to know the prayer book. He knows more than his father. - 1235

T.'s wife died. He pledges an amount of money to pay after the harvest would be sold. Pays only half his due. - 1237

T.'s wife finds grain of barley in stewed fruit at Passover. It is declared "sour" (hamets) by rabi. - 1777

T.'s wife is hostess to fraudulent wonderworker. Latter insinuates he wants to have sex with her. - 962

T.'s wife dips the meat pie into milk. Pie is declared "kosher" by son-in-law later rebuked by rabbi. - 1242

T.'s wife persuades husband to ask rabbi for the title of "morenu" (our teacher) and honur him with a turkey for Passover. - 1236

T.'s wife tells husband that she is due for the ritual bath. He cannot respond. - 1231

Jewish taxcollectors serve as scapegoats for their landlords when those are enraged. - 1916

Two t. complain about their respective landlords who had them lashed in their rage about loss of money and wife. - 1910

Two rivaling t., each trying to prevent the other from a renewal of the tenure. - 956

Tea

Shemaya never gets a cup of t. with two lumps of sugar. - 263

Teacher(s) (of small chi1dren). See also "Pupil(s)", "Fathe(s)", "Child(dren)"

T. in America. t., pupil and father hide each from the other in different situations and at different times of the year. - 3099

T. asks his father for some money. Father is reluctant to comply. - 554

T. asks father of pupil for payment in advance. Is afraid pupil may die before the end of the period. - 556

T. asks questions leading to the meaning of the word "Feather". Answer: "Bugs". - 2884

T. asks questions leading to the meaning of the word "'Woman". Answer: "Hernia". - 2801

T. asked by visiting official how many children he has. Answer: "Thirty-seven". Official laughs, and t. adds: "I have a helper." - 550

T. of Birzai declared ignoramus by R. Eizel. - 562

T. buys billy goat but his wife is not satisfied. - 551

T. buys cow which has neither milk nor meat. - 3012

T. buys goat which does not give any milk. 1t dies of an infectious disease. - 182

T. carries two yolks in his yarmulka. Spills them both. - 548

T. claims that there is only one Dinar in the whole world. - 2095

T. coming to the market place hopes for an opportunity to be driven home. - 547

T. convinced he'll be as rich as the wealthy man when saving his salary for a thousand periods of teaching. - 1105

T. discovers how "money sticks to money". - 234

T. discusses the usefulness of cats and sheep for men. - 2885

T. almost drowns in river. Swears that he wouldn't jump into it before learning to swim. - 1108

T.: "If I were Emperor I would be richer than him since I go on teaching." - 553

T. is employed for half a year only. - 557

T. enters bank and waits for teller to say: "Chaim, take!" - 2096

T. examines pupils: "Who was Moses' mother?" Answer: "Pharao's daughter." - 2882

T. fills his pails with water which he pours out again so as to cause ill luck to invaders. - 974

T. elucidates why man gets drunken from drinking wine. - 545

T. of innkeeper's son scrapes a whole line in the book written by R. Segal. - 1243

T. left in shop by wife sells stamps cheaper then post office. - 1107

T. looks with suspicion at urbanized son brushing his teeth. - 1678

T. gets payment for being idle. - 558

T. praises labourers for building bridge across river and not along its course. - 1111

T. prepares blockheaded taxcollector's son for Bar-Mitsvah which is celebrated when boy is eighteen. - 1234

T. is to receive fifty rubles from rich man if he could answer the question: "Who was Abraham's mother?" He does so. - 1021

T. of rich man's sons does not greet employer who deals with hogbristles. - 253

T. said to be stupid "proves" that he is not by jumping from roof. Thank God, he breaks his limbs. - 1113

T. would be satisfied if God gave him nine thousand rubles. - 199

T. has saved money and is looking for a suitable goat. Ends up in his own house. - 1109

T. sends pupil from one Talmud commentator to another in order to find out the meaning of one word. - 542

T. teaches blockheaded taxcollector's son the prayer for the dead. Father is furious. - l233

T. teaches blockheadect taxcollector's son the blessing over wine by means of mnemonics. Comic results. - 1232 (2640)

T. tries mnemonics as to remind child of how 8imson killed the Philistines. Points to his cheek. - 2883

T. is used to ask pupils for the point in a Talmudic problem. Comic results. - 544

T. visits wealthy man. Spitting on the floor he is given spittoon. Is afraid to spit into it. - 988

T. and his wife have only one pair of shoes between them. - 555

T. wonders about the 60,000 soldiers of the kink: not one of them has a hernia. - 973

T. working in a village near home town comes home only once a year. Is afraid his wife would bear more children than once a year. - 549

T. writes letter to his wife asking for his sandals. - 2198

T.' s confused interpretation of Rashi' s commentary to "urva parach" (of no consequence). - 543

T.'s elucidation on the corruption of animals before the flood. - 536

T.'s elucidation on "men do not go out in the rainy nights of Wednesday and Sabbat. - 538

T.'s elucidation when the question arises on Moses being son-in-law of gentile priest. - 540

T.'s elucidation on unclean birds: "Crazy fish." - 537

T.'s elucidation on "we remembered the fish we ate in Egypt." Gets confused with clever pupils questions. - 539

T.'s three shouts end with "I". - 559

T.'s voice heard outside: "Now we are going to the females." - 541

T.'s wife wants her husband to finish lecture early next day. He announces: "I shall have a headache tomorrow!" - 1106

Difference between t. and circumciser: The latter makes a Jew out of a gentile and the former vice versa. - 561

Difference between a t. and a woodcutter. - 560

Foolish t. buys male goat instead of billy goat. - 1104

Foolish t. must pay tax on house. Wonders how the Zar has known his name and what he needs his ruble for. - 1112

Old t. perceives the trick of the duke who wants to prove stupidity of Jews in politics. - 2057

Poor t. is convinced that the sight of one hundred rubles reported by some people is either a lie or some magic manifestation. - 552 (2095)

Theory of t. on a rich man's life and of those still wealthier. - 546

Technology

Latest t. has created machine into which one puts uncombed and unwashed fleece and out comes ready woven material. - 86

Telegram(s)

T. announcing birth of son sent to parents of young father is criticized by father-in-law. - 1695

T. demanding .payment of debts: "Nu?" answered "Pshaw!" - 2978.

Rothschild receives t. Announcing the death of Hirsch and his legacy. - 227

Brief telegrams exchanges between husband and wife on wife's surgery. Husband suspected of spionage. - 2958

Telegraph

T. thought to be known by ancient Egyptians because of wires found by archeologists. - 2237

Telephone

Device of t. explained. "How does one talk when both hands are needed for it to function?" - 2944

Tenant

T. and houseowner before judge. Latter complains that he has not received the rent for half a year. - 2632

T. and houseowner before rabbi. Houseowner does not receive rent but t. asks rabbi to have houseowner deposit rent for one year. - 2633

T. is paid by houseowner for leaving the apartment in one house. T. pays the same amount as key money in second house of same owner. - 2631

T. does not pay rent. Houseowner gives him, money to leave the place since he wants to sell the house. - 2634

T. is peeping into bedroom of Homburg. All he sees is an ugly wife. - 1532

Textile Plant

Shares of T. fall from 200 to 120 when an agent seeks shelter from the rain at the gate. Dispute with the guard - 3137

Thankful Fools

Fool gets one blow by stranger when clock strikes one. Is grateful that clock did not strike twelve. - 3120

Fool grateful for not being in the underpants when they are being washed and whacked by wife. - 1089

Fool thankful about the fire in town. It gives light and one can see where to put it out. - 2102

Fool thankful for not having married girl suggested by matchmaker for she has recently became a widow. - 3119

Thank God for the five miracles: a) that we have a thumb; b) that the snuff box has a bottom; c) that the synagogue has an eastern wall; d) that Haman had only ten sons; e) that eighteen means "alive" and four hundred and forty "dead". - 2150

Thank God, it wasn't squash. - 1352

Thank God, that cows have no wings. - 2108

Thief(ves)

T. arrives at closed gate of yard and jumps over fence. Claims that he landed on a horse's back and that ran away with him. - 1330

T. asks permission for pickpocketing among the crowd of fair. - 1343

T. as discoverer. Hersheli hopes to find something of value in his own house with help of thief. - 2147

T. to judge: '''What shall I do, whatever I find already belongs to someone." - 1332

T. before judge wonders what argument could be made in his defence. - 1371

T. praises the victims of thieves who deal terrible blows on delinquents when they catch them. - 1369

T. returns home after one year in prison. Finds his wife with newborn babe. - 1376

T. returns purse to owner after it had dropped from pocket but later steals it. - 1328

T. returns stolen goods to rabbi. - l362

T. sentenced to forty lashes gets twenty only. He thanks the judge. - 1372

T. steals beans. Is punished by pushing the beans up his anus. - 1352

T. steals collection box from synagogue. - 1356

T. steals hen of poor widow. Claims to have taken it for protecting it. - 1355

T. steals taxcollector's horses. - 1349

T. steals watch and slaps the owner's face. - 3120

T. takes only worthless items from rich man's house. His wife is furious. - 1358

T. travels "eighth class", that is under the bench stealing suitcases at the same time. - 1333

T. of vegetables claims to have been blown into garden by strong wind. - 1350

T.'s picklock needed for opening the Holy Arch. - l339

T.'s prayer on Yom Kippur and after. - 1378

T.'s son has no need to learn the craft. He knows it anyway. - 1335

T.'s son pays lavish meal out of the pocket of a stranger's coat. - 1337

T.'s son thinks violinist to be a fool since latter does not use his deft fingers as t. - 1377

Dead t. praised: "His son is a greater t. than him." - 1379

Jewish t. arrested by police. He has taken piece of rope with horse on other end. - 1348

Jewish t. without permit of residence is caught. He laughs since he does not believe that fellow Jews would surrender a "non-existent" to the police. - 1373

Jewish t. has stolen valuables from a church. Claims that they were given to him by the Holy Mother. - 1364

Rich t. wants to marry off his daughter to son of wealthy man. It turns out that both fathers are of same profession. - 1509

Tailor is also t. He takes whatever lies around in home of customer. 1326

Thieves are called, to break locks of Heaven by saying psalms for sick dignitary. - 1340

T. come to Modke' s. He is ashamed as they wouldn't find anything. - 2176

T. are said to be the majority in Dünaburg. - 1341

"Do t. never die?" asks child when reading the praises on tombstones. - 3160 (3161)

Two t. in an orchard are noticed by watchman. - 1351

Two t. steal a horse. One claims to have been transformed into a horse for his transgressions. - 1346

T.'s synagogue is full on eve of Yom Yippur. They are a1l there, and no theft is expected to occur. - 1338

Thought(s)

T. of' a cohen during service: "Who knows what happened to my shoes I left outside." - 1360

T. of man falling from third to first floor in the night: "I wonder what the neighbor of second floor does at this time of the night." - 1888,

T. reading. Traveller pretends to read t. of fellow: "You think about bankrupcy." Reply:" I accept your good idea." - 96

Thoughts are free of charge. - 55

"What are your t.?" question put by maiden to Young man. Reply: "The same as yours." The maiden is disgusted. - 689

Threat

Sham t.: "If you don't give me money I shall do something neither Jew nor gentile has ever done before." - 1703

Sham t. by beggar: "If you do not give me anything I shall report to the one who has sent me." - 339

Sham t. by beggar: "If you do not open the door I shall send you my brother-in-law." - 310

Sham t. by beggar: "If you do not give me food, I shall do what father used to do." - 295

Tiger

T. breaks out of circus and is to be killed when found. Jew is afraid he would be killed first without being proof that he is no t. - 1946

Tip

T. of the delegates to the peace conference in Versailles. Each gives the doorkeeper a t. according to the degree of inflation in his country. - 2786

Toilet

T. claimed to be unnecessary since houseowner "is sitting among his own people." - 2845

T. of Jew breaks down during the Hitler regime. He greets with lifting his right hand in order to show how far the filth has come. - 1991

Peterburg of Zar Nicolai 1st compared to t. - 1923

"When you invented the t. you robbed us of our p1easure in the outhouse," says old man to youngster. - 693

Tombstones

T. tell about All the good people who had died. So, only the evil ones are left in the world. - 3161 (3160)

Tooth (Teeth)

Rotten t. must be extracted but patient refuses to open mouth. Dentist pricks his posterior with needle. - 940

Lower teeth should not be neglected. Man eats two slices of bread at once, the one covered with butter on top and the other below. 823

Tourist(s)

American t. on his return home: "The Western Wall is like any other western wall in the world." - 3097

American t. wants to buy jewellery "totseret ha'arets" (made in the country) and no Palestinian junk. - 3096

Transgressors

"Transgressors" made "Hassidim" rather than "Hassidim" made "Transgressors." (Later of R. Landa to printer of his book after latter had smoothed in it former's attack on Hassidim.) - 674

Transmutation

T. of goose into fish. When priest can turn Jew into Christian with a drop of water Jew can turn goose into fish in like manner. - l418

Trap

"Did the Russians t. Przemysl or wa- Przemysl a trap for the Russian?" - 2759

Travel

Hereheli about to t. to Austria is asked: "Do you know the language?" - Reply:" I'll be silent unti1 I know it." - 2148

Traveller(s)

T. asked why he is never visiting the Holy Land. "I never travel by boat. It is too much dependent on God's mercy." - 1873

T. from Minsk jumps in to bus comp1tely naked. The Minskers have already finished their quota of trousers. - 2830

Travellers on board of ship discuss their respective hometowns. Provincial wonders what Warsowites do with one million gentiles. - 2056

Treasurer (of Zaddik)

T. blames taxcollector for giving too little mony to Zaddik. - 620

T. could do everything like his master excepting one: Put away the money received for redemption without smiling. - 623

T. improves on Zaddik's statement. - 638

T. unfavorably compared with eagle and duck. - 2136

T. is not worried about the fa1se coin left by Hassid. - 622

Tresspassing

T. between Heaven and Earth. Man is t. into the realm of God and vice versa. (Reply to accusation of Jews that they killed Christ.) - 2013

A cohen (one of the tribe of priests) believes he is permitted t. into compound of factory. - 2638

Trial

On t. for falsification of documents. Defendant claims to be ignorant of chemistry and legal affairs. - 1325

Trickster

T. escapes without paying. - 809

Trousers

T. bought second hand are full of bugs. - 2863

T. offered to antiquary said to have come down from times of Pharao. - 2864

Nobleman's t. spoilt by Jew accidentally pouring coffee over them in station. Jew pays for the damage but asks for the t. when train arrives. 2062

Trustee(s) of Burial Society (Hevra Kadisha). (See also: "Burial", "Burying", "Dead").

T. rules over cemetery and procedures. - 3l58

T. wonders about man who comes to bury his second wife. Didn't know he was married again. - 371

T. ask rabbi for money for new fence right after death of childless man who had bequeathed his possessions to community. - 372

Twice

"T. the wish to the enemy." - 1885

Twins

T. are born to German woman. One is named Paul and the other Adolf. Latter never stops shouting. - 1985

Two

"T. presents (to the king)." - 235

T. wanderers in night-lodgings. One is twice beaten. - 205