Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

M

Machine

M. washing, combing, spinning and weaving wool. - 86

Madman(men)

M. advised by rich man: "Madmen should build their own synagogue." - 1162

M. asks for a Sabbat meal in hospital and smokes after receiving it. - 1166

M. with axe in hand orders rabbi to jump through window. - 1167

M. cries on Purim: "Whoever wants to die on Passover better starts to fall sick today." - 1158

M. declared mad by majority. - 1165

M. instigated by glazier to break windows breaks glazier's. - 1164

M. thought to be happy by rich man. - 1163

M. threatens to destroy house. - 1168

M. warns God that He should act upon message of beadle. - 1159

M. and zaddik are partners. They divide the world between them. - 1160

Madness

M. is no disease in Fuerth. - 2709

Maid (Housemaid)

M. fallen into barrel of milk. - 3000

M. literally interprets metaphor "Go and ask the rabbi!" - 2315

M. by name of Magdalena. - 1173

M. reveals to wife that husband eats on Yom Kippur. - 1746

M. and servant marry and go begging thereafter. - 225

Intimacy of m. and master. - 1791 (1798)

Traveller takes pity on m. in inn, feeds and "warms" her. - 1797

Maiden(s). (see also: "Bride(s)", "Matchmaker(s)", "Young Man(men)")

M. does not cry for help when raped. Thought that the man should have done so. - 1017

M. married by mistake. - 1575

M. to be married complains that she is to marry a complete stranger. - 1516

M. "raped" by German soldiers gives birth after three month because of the "technology" of the Germans. 1016

M. and youth in train. - 689

The Jewish m. and the minister. M. refuses to kiss icon. - 1998

Rich m. with physical defects offered by matchmaker compared to faulty etrog. - 1472

The rich m.'s complaint. - 1498

Maidens considered as marriage partners by young men. - 1496

Man. (see also: "Old", "Rich", "Wealthy Man", "Young Man(men)")

M. accused of being foolish feels insulted. - 1897

M. brutally beaten in the market. (Narrator's quibbling answers). - 2953

M. boasts of the great age of his father ... if he were living. - 1019

M. brought to rabbi claims to be cohen, levy, israel and rogue. - 3147

M. must buy brandy whereas plants (potatoes, barley etc.) have a little brandy of their own. - 882

M. complains: If it were not for the kaddish for my parents I would have forgotten the synagogue and the prayer. - 1688

M. complains about his life: "It were better had man not been created..." - 1137

M. disturbed by the thought that grandson is to become preacher. - 468

"M. enjoys the sons of his sons." Reason given. - 1677

M. expounds his weekly portion in terms of weekly portions of the Bible. - 15

M. often goes to see same film hoping the train in it will be late that he could see the actress stripped naked. - 1818

M. in hell is warned against fault finding. - 484

M. the great creation lowers himself before animal (cow, goat) when he wants to milk it. - 233

M. likes to get used to a woman1s dressing gown. - 1621

M. without luck threatens to become haberdasher. - 2173 (22)

M. married twice in life will be denied resurrection. - 1564

M. refuses ugly old maiden as bride for son. - 1473

M. says: "You are consecrated to me," in the face of calamity. - 1543

M. unsatisfied with son-in-law. - 1720

M. (Shemaya) does not want what he wants... - 2086

M.'s duty towards his wife in years of hunger and in years of surplus. - 1661

M.'s hair has become gray because of the one glass of wine he had at his wedding. - 1542

Map (geographical)

M. shown to yeshiva students. Want to see uncle in Brody. - 970

Marriage

M. with gentile woman. - 3056

M. likened to fortified city. - 1673

M. in old age is a sure means to prolong life. - 1594

M. of Pessach with the girl from Chandrikewa. - 1128

M. of woman. Benedictions are not said on that occasion. - 1545

Fictitious m. of father to son's bride. - 2678

Maskil(im) (ehlightened person)

M. is "antisemitist" of sweetmeats. - 1270

M. asks R. Eizik for approval of treatise. R. Eizik's warning. - 584

M. complains about the orthodox Jews who do not send their children to secular schools. - 2347

M. converted to Christianity is regarded as "Sabbat gentile". - 1426

M. fallen sick in small town is visited by rabbi. - 393

M. willy-ni1ly accompanies father-in-law to synagogue. - 1204

M. is ignorant of rites on Ninth of Av. - 1838

M. praised by all except Zweifel. - 3148

M. and rabbi. M. attacks rabbis of the present and rabbi sages of today. - 436 (l853)

M. smokes on Sabbat near military storehouse. - 1121

M. wants to buy book from pious dealer on Sabbat. - 1263

A m.'s recipe for making gold. - 2973

Difference between m. and wonderworker. - 1816

Gottlober waits for young m. on the latter's bed. - 1663

The mortification of the m. on Yom Kippur. - 1843

Maskilim have an argument with Zvi Hirsch. (Parable) - 483

M. discuss the authorship of the Zohar and the Bible. - 738

M. of the town succeed in electing a modern rabbi. - 942

M. of Wilna read and discuss chapter of Bible. - 1822

M. of Wilna visit old and sick Adam Hacohen. - 1827

M. wonder how Kaleb can believe in Yona being swallowed by a wale. - 2163

Two m. meet on eve of Yom Kippur and talk about the food they had prepared for the next day. - 1842

Matchmaker(s) (see also: "Daughter(s)", "Father(s)", "Maiden(s)", "Son(S)", "Young Man (men)")

M. claims that there is no virgin to be had. Offers a woman. - 1479

M. claims that youth intended for rich man's daughter is expert in two tractates of the Gemara. - 1459

M. complains about hard and ungrateful work. - 1453

M. discusses dowry of bride. - 1491

M. discusses dowry with father who is reluctant to give any sum. - 1490

M. discusses dowry with parents. Mother is ready to "throw sum to the dogs." - 1492

M. and fastidious youth. - 1480, 1481

M. is in a hurry to find husband for little daughters of eminent citizens. - 1455, 1456 M. makes sure that the bride remembers his name. - 1486

M. offers beautiful and young maiden whom reality shows different. - 1457

M. offers deaf maiden. - 1471

M. offers maiden of doubtful family. - 1483, 1484

M. offers maiden with physical defects. - 1472, 1473, 1518

M. offers maiden who has difficult births. - 1477

M. offers son of newly rich shoemaker to daughter of newly rich tailor. - 1462

M. offers elderly "golem" to proud father of elderly daughter. - 1461

M. offers elderly maiden to young man. - 1476

M. offers two sisters: one beautiful with a dowry of 10,000 and the other hunchbacked with a dowry of 20,000. - 1497 (1495)

M. offers whore of small town to son of eminent citizen of Wilna. - 1478

M. offers youth who is blind on one eye. - 1458

M. offers youth who is an expert in writing addresses. - 1460

M. as peacemaker between parents of bride and bridegroom quarrelling about marriage contract. - 1487

M. praises woman he has found for scholar. - 1510

M. proposes "ideal girl" to fastidious young man. - 3020

M. proposes simple young man to daughter of eminent citizen of Tel-Aviv. 2630

M. proposes son of rich ignorant man to daughter of rabbi of Kowno. - 1507

M. refuses to negotiate marriage between scholar and woman pianist speaking French. - 1512

M. sees no difference between one girl and another. - 1468

M. teaches provincial on subjects of conversation with prospective urban bride. - 732

M. teaches provincial table manners before his visit to prospective in-laws. - 733

M. in Tel-Aviv proposes young doctor to father of girl providing a small dowry. - 2629

M. unsuccessful in persuading youth to get married. - 1465, 1467

M. warns foolish youth against opening his mouth during visit of prospective in-laws. - 1124

M. warns yeshiva student that he must get rid of his lice before getting married. - 1482

M. wonders why young men nowadays desire to marry beautiful girls only. - 1469

M. and youth who wants to marry the girl he loves. - 1466

M.'s son to improve on father's statement. - 1475

Fee of m. demanded by man who has not made the match. - 1464

Matchmakers permitted to carry out their trade on Sabbat. - 1452

M. pester young doctor. He only wants a "married woman". - 1521

Fee of m. - 1463, 1488

"May the new year be as good and as sweet as the nut in my hand"

"May the new year be as good and as sweet as the nut in my hand" Nut is hollow. - 998

Meal. (see also: "Eating", "Restaurant")

Beadle employed for fasting enjoys m. - 822

Man must drink brandy before m. - 855

Meals on Sabbat and holidays are taken on the eve. - 2019

Measures

Ten m. of riches descended into the world, nine of them to Rothschild and one to the rest of the world. - 226

Memory

In m. of evil personages in history one eats Haman's ears on Purim, matsah on Passover but what will one eat in m. of Hitler? - 1994

The cantor's m. is good: Makes same mistakes every year. - 509

Rabbi wonders about m. of one remembering things which did not happen. - 1308

Merchandise

A good m. is textiles. It pays for everything except covering cheques. - 3132

Merchant(s). (see also: "Dealer(s)", "Peddler(s)", "Shopkeeper(s)", "Wholesaler(s)")

M. asks man wishing to invest his money: "What do you prefer, a good meal or a good night's sleep?" - 17

M. celebrates his fiftieth anniversary with employees. - 122, 166

M. gives his daughter in marriage to yeshiva student. - 103

M. has gone mad and has not paid his debts. His madness is not gone that far. - 90, (1331)

M. does not honour cheques. - 91

M. loses silk stockings. Announces: "The finder of woolen stockings will be rewarded!" - 2238

M. has lost 10,000 of which 2,000 were his own money. - 11

M. occupied with ledgers is visited by beggar. - 221

M. receives two telegrams urging him to come to two places at once. - 1147

M. returning from Leipzig fair brings presents to family and housemaid. (Parable). - 480

M. returning to small town from trip abroad tells rabbi about the wonders of the world. - 3003

M. returning from Guinspring reports about the cantor and choir. - 515

M. surprises wife with lover on bench. Decides to sell the bench. - 1668 .

M. visited by provincial brother suggesting his nephews to get married. -1117

M.'s commentary on the meeting of Jacob and Esau, "But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him ... and kissed him. And they wept." (Gen. 33; 4). - 165

M.'s telegram to customer in times of inflation. - 2785

M.'s wife unfaithful. M. prefers half a good business to a whole bad one. - 1667

Bankrupt m. offers creditor to kiss his p... - 106

Bankrupt m. offers creditors two alternatives (abuses). - 108

Bankrupt m. ousts creditor and calls him "villain". - 110

Bankrupt m. refuses to pay 20 pennies for tailor's work. - 102

Bankrupt m. runs off to Erets Israel. - 104, 105

Bankrupt m. runs off to Erets Israel and is returned to Poland. - 2627

Bankrupt m. suggests creditor to stand in line with others and kiss his p... - 107 Bankrupt m. tells his creditor to collect the wool left by sheep on the wire fences. - 99

"A decent m. does not die before he has been bankrupt three times at least. - 57

Dying m. informs his son about the financial situation. - 79

Dying m. instructs sons to keep quiet when their clients bankrupt. (Parable). - 92

Father-in-law of young m. ready to add to dowry on condition that latter closes his shop on Sabbat. - 1683

German Jewish m. named Heiman converts to Christianity. (pun). 1433

Impoverished m. (Shalom Aleichem) loses fortune and becomes writer. - 585, (582) Jewish m. has permit to live in Moscow. - 1385

Lumber m. pays 333 Gulden to his zaddik for him to pray for snow (Gematria). - 603

Old m. tests young one: "What is the difference between a promissory note endorsed by notary and one that is not." - 87

One m. to another: "Business has decreased within one year as fast as if it had done so within two years." - 13

Spendthrift son of m. becomes m. and marries rich girl. - 12

Well known m. asks zaddik for advice. - 3017

Merchants of stolen goods in Dunaburg. - 1341

Rich lumber m. bemoan the drought. - 231

Two m., partners in a losing business quarrel about the remaining funds. - 16

Messias

M. unwanted. - 957, 3013, 3107, (992)

"M. seems to have come!" exclaimed by one viewing the row of men pissing together in an open space. - 2846

When the M. will come Jews will be barefoot and stone gentiles. - 2075

With the coming of the M. the goods will be paid. - 89

The dogs do not believe in the coming of the M. - 1837

Heretic pioneers are faster than anyone else in following the M. to Erets Israel. - 2590

Rabbi Mohilever will be surprised when the Jews do not kill the M. - 2597

Ten years after the beginning of the era of the M. zaddikim will pray and learn to perfection. - 637

Metaphor

M. literally interpreted. - 2315, 3100

Mice

M. know how to behave in rooms cleaned for Passover. - 1223

Midrash of drunkards

Midrash of drunkards: The complaint of the fish on Adam. - 849

Midwife

A m. must be hunchbacked. - 899

Milk

Bachelor advised to get married: "When all I need is a glass of m. why buy a cow?" - 1672

Whoever drinks m. after eating pickled cucumbers will get cheese in his stomach. - 286

Milking

The difference between m. a cow and m. a Jew. - 1912

Milkmaid(s)

The difference between Yael, the m. of old and the milkmaids of today. - 3114

Milkman

M. admits watering the milk: "Only the cow gives pure milk." - 53

M. loses wagon, horses and milk in the swollen river in spring. - 3115

M. praises his milk as "kosher for Passover". (Pun). - 3087

M.'s wife wonders whether there will be enough milk for all the customers. 54

M. praises his milk and the water he adds. - 1850

Minister

M. of Interior hates Jews but loves to be bribed by them. - 1937

M. of Justice in Hungary boasts of his appointing Jewish judges. - 1938

Miracle(s). (see also "God", "Wonderworker(s)")

M. blessed on Passover: Hillel was combining matsah with bitter herb and not with live coal. - 1852

Five miracles happened to Israel, according to Shmeril Shnitkawer. - 2150

Three m. happened to God on Rosh Hashanah according to midrash of jesters. - 1841

Miser(s). (see also: "Beggar(s)", "Poor", "Rich", "Wealthy Man(men)")

M. closes doors on all sides. - 341

M. gives unsigned cheque to collectors of charity. - 328

M. greets poor man and shakes his hand instead of giving money. - 332

M. before Heavenly Court. - 349

M. hurries to leave his house when he sees approaching rabbi. - 323

M. praying for a long time on eve of Yom Kippur rouses rabbi's anger. (Parable). - 354

M. refuses to give alms to strangers. He does not support his brother either. - 329

M. refuses to give money for a fence around the cemetery. - 325

M. refuses to give money for the purpose of marrying off a poor bride. -324

M. refuses to give money for the ransom of prisoners. - 348

M. refuses to give money to yeshiva delegate. - 352

M. refuses to help beggar marrying off his daughter. - 181

M. refuses to open his purse for the benefit of those whose town had burned down. - 2968

M. should have plenty of best food. - 351

M. takes his pants off in darkness for saving them. - 360

M. travels in fourth class compartment. - 359

M. is unhappy about broken chair. - 357

M.'s son gives a large sum to charity since "he has a rich father." - 327

Delegate of yeshiva blesses m. in the hope that the blessing will turn into a curse. - 342

Dying m. authorizes rabbi to invest his money or lend it. - 318

Dying m. teaches son that there is nothing more important than money. - 2966

Grandson of R. Gumbiner was a rich m. who used to boast about his illustrious ancestor. - 352

Hershele and the m. - 334

Old sick m. invites rabbi for writing his will. A great sum is bequeathed to charity. - 319

Poor man is sent to m. for meal. - 346

Rabbi asks m. for a donation to community. - 321

Rabbi asks m. for a donation to poor people for Passover. - 322

Misunderstanding

M. because of ignorance of Hebrew (Yiddish). - 1264, 1266

Mitnaged(im). (see also "Hassid(im)")

M. does not believe in the holiness of zaddikim. - 660

M. derides Hassidim snatching remains of food from zaddik's plate. - 656

M. derides ignorant Hassid. - 652

M. "explains" why God punished the Egyptians with 1ice and not with Hassidim. - 661

M. to Hassid praying with ardour: "Whom do you intend to deceive, the Almighty or yourself?" - 664

M. reports to Hassidim on his observations through the keyhole of zaddik's door. - 614

M. in synagogue of Hassidim. - 665

Dialogue between m. and Hassid about latter's late rising in the morning. - 686

Was Moses a Hassid or a m.? - 663

From the notebook of a m.: God is angry with a fat rabbi, a lean parson and an old Hassid. - 683

Old m. insulted by Hassid. - 669

Old m. warns against leaving Hassid during the night with bottle of brandy at his head and a virgin near his feet. - 662

Mitnagdim and Hassidim will end in hell. - 589

M. remind Hassidim of rumour that their rabbi has intimate relations with gentile woman. - 617

M. speak of zaddik with contempt. - 657

M. do not believe in miracles said to be performed by Hassidic rabbis. - 610, 614 "Learned" dispute between m. and Hassidim. - 618

Thoughts of Hassidic rabbi greatly differ from those of rabbi of m. - 655

Money

M. and years are added to rich Jew after sixty. - 2969

"Everything is m." Proof found in the equal numerical value of three words including "mammon" (m.). - 2169

Money Lender(s)

M. virtually nuts man on his feet. - 74

M. reminds debtor of the sum he owes him. - 2626

M. takes high percentage of interest for half a day. - 70

M.'s son wonders why percentage of interest is not twice as high in summer as that in winter. - 67

Foolish M. - 1088, 1093

Money lenders more hard-hearted than sons of Noah. - 2130

Three foolish m. there are... - 56

Mother. (see also: "Daughter(s)", "Maiden(s)", "Son(s)")

M. abashed when showing doctor sick child's nappies. - 948

M. does not believe in Heaven's mercy on child sick with croup. - 950

M. boasts about clean son: "His towel is always dry and clean." - 2856

M. of the bride is happy about son-in-law: A decent gentile of honourable Jewish descent. - 1414

M. is to say psalms as remedy for sick child. - 949

M. to son who has been called up to the army: "After you have killed a Turk sit down and have a rest." - 2715

M. urges her baptized son to go to church. - 954

Poor m. with an only son is worried about his Bar-Mitsva. - 977

Son does not say Kaddish after his m. - 1689

Mother-in-Law

M. committed suicide by hanging herself. Son-in-law reluctant to cut the rope. - 1726

M. would give half her life for one watermelon. Son-in-law brings her two. - 1725

Mourner

M. who has not completed one year of mourning and is about to serve as cantor is preceded by others. (Chain of interdependent members). - 202

Mufti (of Jerusalem)

M. should be the second one to be departed from Palestine. - 2681

Musicians

Jewish m. praised but Jewish shoemakers decried. - 3064, (1983)