Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

J

Jahrzeit

J. in the Smolni-Building of the Bolshevic leadership. - 2795

JESTERS

Aphorisms

A Jewish bachelor's life is without joy, without blessing, without troubles and without curses. - 1554

The barber is the most insolent person of all with his job depending (hanging) on (a) hair. (Pun). - 2159

Three kinds of births there are: an early one, a late one and an unnatural one. - 1799

Five characteristics of nature: Unorganic matter, plants, animals, male speakers, female talkers. - 1535

The cock outliving the eve of Yom Kippur and the middle-aged Lithuanian Jew not converted until then, both must bless the miracle happened to them. - 2692

A daughter's wedding is like a winter's frost: the eyes weep and the feet dance. - 1493

A dog in a Jewish home signifies that the Jew is no Jew or that the dog is no dog. - 3146

God gave man the power for making his son an orphan but not for making his son a cantor. - 2172

The Hebrew University is the materialistic center for those who are in possession of the spiritual one. - 2652

A Jew has three partners: 5% sugar (diabetis), 45% fear and 50% insolence. - 3145

On free love: The one permits the other. - 3026

The Jewish woman in Erets Israel understands but does not speak (Hebrew), whereas the Jewish woman in all the other countries speaks but does not understand. - 2663

Three persons are unfortunate: a dignitary, a fool and the husband of an evil wife. - 1519

A pessimist is one who only sees the hole in the cracknel where the optimist sees the dough. -2239

On a reformgemeinde: The lions on the shrine curtain are the only guardians of the Decalogue. - 1868

Rich men's envy of the wise surpasses that which the wise feel towards the rich. - 214

One who sees a liar should say: "May everything turn out according to his word."- 1274

Sentenced to a fine, a Jew is not sorry for his loss of money but for the gain of the opponent. - 1893

Of the ten measures of suffering in the world, nine were taken by women. - 1548

Three things are the cause of man's depression: a nice home, a comely wife and beautiful objects. - 1534

As vinegar is not sweet, it is (necessarily) sour; as honey is sweet, it must not be sour. - 2220

Commentaries

On several Bible phrases from Exodus: God has more than enough troubles, suffering and blows in his treasury. - 2191

On "the angry cohanim". - 2194

On "commentary of nonsense." - 2192

On "All the days of the poor people are wretched." (Prov. 15; 15). - 185

On the difference between now and then: We used to say to a tree, "you are my father;" It is said now, "my father you are my tree." (Jer. 2; 27). - 1711

On "All the dreams follow the mouth." (Berakhot 55; b). - 412

On the eating of only dairy food on Shavuot. - 1854

On foolish cantors standing in front of the shrine: "There is no wisdom, no insight... against the Lord." (prov. 21; 30). - 498

On the four sons in the Haggadah. - 179

On Purim: "Why were Haman's ten sons punished?" (Various answers). - 1913

On girls playing a game of cards on Hanukka: "We must not use these girls (originally in the Hanukka song: candles) but merely look at them." -1793

On happiness: The happiest people is the one who knows to blow the shofar (Ps. 89; 16). - 2185

On "...Jacob was a quiet (naive) man" (Gen. 25; 27). - 2157

On "...and Jacob went out..." and "...and Jacob fled." - 1936

On "Do not cook the kid in its mother's milk." (Exod. 23; 19). - 1741, 1810

On "The Lord will bring a nation against you... whose language you will not understand." (Deut. 28; 49). - 2068

On "If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war." (Deut. 24; 5). - 1590

On the order of the Mishna: first "Gittin" (divorces) and then "Kiddushin" (marriages). - 1641

On "Money cleanses bastards." - 210

On "The poor are likened to the dead." (Proverb). - 203, 204

On "a healthy poor." - 186

On the "profit" of R. Yehuda by abbreviating the ten plagues (notarikon) in the Haggadah. - 3, (2195)

On "The rabbi honours rich people." - 211, 212

On "...it is Salomon's carriage escorted by sixty warriors..." - 2711

On King Salomon's sentence: He found the mother of the babe. Finding the father would have been more appreciated. - 2156

On Salomon who "could not find one woman among thousand." - 1563

On the symbolism of the "four species" of Sukkot. - 2190

On a thief. Whenever one is noticed, one should say: "His wisdom opens gates." - 1327

On "...a time to mourn, and a time to dance." (Eccl. 3;4). - 586

On the undertakers, the known drunkards not invited by God for drinking the sea instead of parting it himself for Israel to cross. - 878

On "...he could not keep warm even when they put covers on him." (Kings I, 1; 1). - 1796

On "He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep." (Ps. 121; 4). - 2186

On "For this will show wisdom and understanding to the nations." (Deut. 4; 6). - 1780

On Yona's transportation inside the whale: Where a little worm chokes, a big Jew goes in with ease. - 2163

Differences

Between the days of Napoleon and those of Hitler. - 1990

Between matchmaking then and now. - 1485

Between "a fool on condition" and "a fool on no condition." - 1155

Between a headless nail and an official of the community. - 361

Between undertakers of Abraham's times and those of the present. - 875

Observations

Adam surely was a Jew since his permit of residence was cancelled. - 1935

Bolshevic leaders use the letters R.S.P,S,R. for the easy reading of Jews and gentiles alike. - 2797

Dog in front of jester: "The rabbi is in the lead." - 658

Doughnuts are only eaten on (holi)-days when somebody or something is beaten. - 832

Hassid fasting from one Sabbat to another. - 2193

Hassid should include in his prayer Yehyda's mistake, Joseph's experience, Boas' fears and David's fur. - 1795

Hernia is an advantage from several aspects. - 2713

To husband whose shrewish wife had recovered after being on the verge of death: "Many are the plans in man's heart but the Lord's purpose prevails." - 1634

Jester hates his father-in-law with all his might. - 1721

Jester promises longevity to anyone who marries in old age. - 1594

Jester sympathizes with "So-to-speak" in his misfortunes. - 1730

Jester talks to himself: "The first time that I speak to a wise guy." - 2459

A Jew has no need of his feet during his life time excepting for bankruptcy. -2154

The careful man should avoid five dangerous beings. - 2699

One man contradicts the other. -1898

The needs of anybody who wants to become a rabbi. (Pun). - 414

The office of cantor was established by King Salomon. (Pun). - 500

The printer and the "Ellul's virgin" would make an ideal couple. - 1451

Sexual relationship with an unmarried woman is forbidden since people should not be made envious. - 1794

Rich people give alms rather to poor cripples than to scholars. - 215

The summer of Israel consists of seven weeks which are counted and bemoaned. - 2129

Women curse the rolling-pin as an exercise before cursing the husband. - 1559

Five wonders happened to Israel: He has a thumb, the snuff box has a bottom, the synagogue has an Eastern Wall, Haman had ten sons, 18 in gematria means life and 440 - dead. - 2150

A writer must be poor. (Pun). - 583

Between Jew and Heaven

Accusation of God for making fun of His people. - 3155

An imaginary dialog with an angel after death. - 2161

Prayer: Please God, you gave me five "in-spite-of-yourself" (Avot 4; 22). I am satisfied with four of them. - 1833

Suggested prayer for someone entering the public bath. (Pun). - 2862

Three things honored by the fallen generation. - 1779

Suggested revenge after hooligans had drawn a cross on the synagogue. - 2155

The wonderful things in the world which are forbidden to the Jews. - 1609

A wedding is being prepared in Heaven. - 2127

Yom Kippur is a "Sabbat of rest". - 1773

Rites and Ceremonies

Best men know their literature: They know "the way man wants to go he is guided along." - 2128

The blessing of the wine by the cantor and the beadle. - 502

Married cantors pray in front of the shrine though their voice may break. - 512

Jester curses Haman in Russian in the synagogue on Purim. - 1848

Reason for the cancellation of the breaking of the glass at wedding ceremonies in Budapest. - 1800

Reason for the wedding ceremony to be determined after "counting". - 1494

Thank God, there are no bells in synagogues nor in houses of learning. - 1861

JEWS (see also: "Israel", "Gentile(s)"), "Renegade(s)")

Jews among Themselves

J. addresses J. asking his way in the streets of London. - 730

J. advises converted friend to marry his daughter to renegade who had become mayor. - 1416

J. and cow, what is the difference between them? - 1912

J. about to emigrate to Erets Israel is asked to pray on Esau's grave for the wellbeing of Jacob's sons. - 3072

J. enjoys the show with the Jewish violonist, dancer and singer. - 1983 (3064)

J. readily getting up for selihot likened to horse. - 473

J. on leaving the synagogue in Berlin is advised to leave etrog and lulav behind. - 3156

J. with hooked nose tries to hide his Jewishness. - 1902

J. has two souls: the gentile and the Jewish. - 1388

A J. never starves to death; he dies of desire. - 2365

Bessarabian J. regrets the death of Lithuanian rabbi who had invited him for a meal on Yom Kippur. - 1212

He cannot be a J. since he is too foolish. - 2012

Converted J. with hooked nose: "I am still a J. inside." - 1409

Converted J. wants to marry Jewish girl. - 1415

The difference between "J" and "Israelite". - 1977

Galician J. delivers speech in the Polish language. - 2951

An orthodox J. watches his stomach in this world and his posterior in the next. - 1828

Polish J. claims that German Jews are fools. - 2701

Shaved J. is ready to die without beard. - 1787

Westernized J. orders two portions of shalet for the ascent of his father's soul. - 1265

When does one become a J.? - 1398

Jews are killing J. nowadays and bury them in the sand. (On dishonest real-estate agents.) - 2662

J. a nation of fakirs are buried in the earth but not dead. - 2996

J. are proud of the Jewish musicians in concerts and operas. - 3064 (1983)

"J. are a troublesome and stubborn nation." - 2593

All are J. in Erets Israel. - 2609

Lithuanian J. decided not to leave the country. - 2694

Three kinds of J.: a whole Jew, a third and a quarter Jew, almost a Jew. - 1347

What is the value of J.? - 1937

Jews and Antisemitism. (see also: "Officer(s), "Junker")

J. and antisemitic Stecker. Stecker: Thousands follow our flag. J.: The millions go with us. - 1944

J. tells his own age and Hitler's. - 1993

J. lets his pants down for showing to governor the marks of whipping received from the latter's subordinate. - 1942

J. tormented by Russian. - 1932

Jews and bicycle riders are guilty of bringing the war into the world. -2755

J. travelling by coach through village are stoned by barefoot gentile. - 2075

J. must wear specific hats in Portugal. - 1914

Jews and Christianity. (see also: "Baptism")

J. condemned to death calls for priest. Would rather have a gentile hanged than a J. - 1423

"J. does not convert to Christianity." - 1430

J. gives up intention of being baptized when he is whipped for each of all the saints. - 1393

J. and instigator discuss the effects of holy water on dust. - 2001

J. intending to be baptized cannot believe in Trinity. - 2007

J. does not know himself in clothes of priest. - 1139

J. loses all his money. Asks rabbi and parson to Dray for him. 2029

J. wants to be baptized since he hates his family. - 1389

J. wants to be baptized before Passover since he needs the money for buying the appropriate food. - 1390

A baptized J. found eating a goose on Friday by Catholic priest. - 1418

A baptized J. is an unbaptized Christian. - 1418

Levy Yitzhak excuses seventy year old J. for being baptized. - 1431

Jews have themselves baptized several times for the payment they receive on that occasion. - 1392

J. intending to be baptized are made to wait for priest. They pray the afternoon-prayer in the mean time. - 1391

J. prefer going to hell rather than being neighbors of instigator in paradise. - 2000

Jews and Gentiles, Peaceful Co-Existence

J. boasts of Russian Zar: Though he does not move, the front moves towards him. - 2772

J. finds gentile travelling in first class compartment has bought ticket for second class. - 749

J. and Frenchman discuss the Dreyfuss affair. J. demands redress. - 2035

J. and gentile; the difference of their daily routines and funerals. - 3074

J. to gentile judge: I am a cantor to adults, a teacher to children and a slaughterer to oxen. - 1980.

J. has married gentile woman. - 3056

J. occupied with traditional activities on outgoing Yom Kippur observes landlord and his lady. - 2052

J. sells brandy to gentiles only - 888

J. sells keg of wine to gentile in stomach of wale. - 1

J. thinks about buying town from graf. - 55

Difference between J. and gentile: When gentile if thirsty he drinks three glasses; when J. is thirsty he suspects having diabetis. - 2081

Duel of J. and gentile in America. - 2748

Jews come to Kaiser Wilhelm II and wish him victory in war. - 2752

J. and gentiles plough a field together. - 2045

J. are helpless in view of huge stone blocking their way. Gentiles push it aside. - 3051

J. invited to ball given by new mayor. - 1940

Prayer of J. pertaining to the destruction of their foes has never taken effect. - 1941

Transgression of dietary and other laws. (see also: "Eating")

J. comes to "Tashlikh" with gentile woman. - 1808

J. having danced with gentile maiden and eaten porc is reprimanded by rabbi. - 1805

J. drinking coffee with milk in gentile restaurant reprimanded. - 3055

J. eats forbidden food for "taking revenge on gentile who had eaten Sabbat food." - 1736

J. is forced by landlord to eating porc. - 821

J. cannot resist the smell of porc. - 1851

Jews under Zarist and Bolshevic Rule

J. claims to be expert in making ink for getting a permit of residence. -1931

J. interrogated by Bolshevic secret police on how he makes a living if not on foreign currency. - 2835

J. interrogated by Cheka (secret police) on his whereabouts at various times. - 2834

J. without permit of residence caught in Moscow. Claims his craft to be calling for a quorum of ten. - 982

J. without permit of residence in Moscow has no job. After baptism has permit but again no job. - 1387

J. without permit of residence in Petersburg is threatened by governor with immediate deportation. - 1926

J. with permit of residence in Petersburg runs away from policeman for covering friend without one. - 1925

J. tortured by Russian secret police intending on squeezing foreign currency. - 2817

Jews hide their wives and daughters when the Russians conquer Galicia during World War I. - 712

Jewelry

J. "Made in the Country" demanded but no trash of Erets Israel. - 3096

Jewish

J. Agency with half Zionist and half non-Zionist members compared with sausage stuffed with chicken and horse. - 2601

J. bags of troubles. 2191, 2982 (2186)

J. child cuts fir trees for Christmas. - 2036

Joint

American J. sent delegate to refugee concentration. Complaint about delegate's behavior. - 2705

Joke

J. is told to a Frenchman, a Russian and a Jew. The various lengths of 1augh. - 2083

J. told by Jew to curious but foolish gentiles. - 2082

J. told by sharp-witted Radek to Stalin. - 2820

Journalists

Two j. (Rubashow and Katznelson) in the curfew of Tel-Aviv in 1929. - 2625

Judaism

"J. is sick." - 459

"Pure J. has been preserved in great filth." - 2840

Judge(s). (see also: "Defendent(s)", "Thief(ves)")

J. to witness: "Did you see it?" Witness breaks wind and asks the same question. - 3142~

J. inclined to take bribe is annoyed with rabbi's inkstained hands. - 1955

J. known for taking bribes runs off to another country (pun). - 427

J. refuses to employ Jewish secretary. - 1943

J. wonders why thief caught in the act of stealing needs a counsel for defence. - 1371

Bribe sent to j. in the name of the opponent. - 1319

Deaf j. is promised bribe but promise is not kept. - 425

"There is a law and there is a j." - 1855

Jewish judges in Hungary along with gentile j. - 1938

Junker

J. complains that the old custom of hanging a Jew together with a dog has been abandoned. - 1962

Justice

J. and Truth have gone from the world. They are buried with the dead. - 3161