Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

 OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

I

 

Identity

Mistaken i. - 435, 1141, 1142, 3005, 3140

Ignoramus(ses). (see also: "President" , "Taxcollector(s)")

I. applies for the office of rabbi. - 3006

I. is asked about the letters "Kof-Kof" ("holy commumity"). - 1186

I. asks the meaning of "O sea that you fled. O Jordan that you turned back." (Ps. 114; 5). - 1177, 1178

I. asks for solution of three "hard problems" he had discovered in prayer book. - 1176

I. believes that the kid of the song in-the Haggadah must have been stolen. - 1778

I.' blessing of the lions. (Pun). - 1172

I. boasts of his son supposingly knowing 5000 pages of the Talmud. - 1256

I.' commentary on "Korah son of Izhar..." (Num. 16; 1). - 1179

I. in conflict with masculine and feminine grammatical forms of pronouns. - 1170

I. makes "corrections" in the Talmud. - 1244

I. "corrects" Tora reader who calls for person to read a lesson from the Prophets. (Pun). - 1224

I. covers head with prayer shawl on Sabbat. - 1195

I. on deathbed desires to learn law pertaining to death. - 1254

L 'dispute on Purim, if and when the "Hallel"-Prayer is finished. - 1183 (1222)

I. declares that there are three persons by the name of "Moses". - 1171

I. is dying. Has his last problem solved by the prayer-book itself. - 1192

I. in Jewish matters is asked by father-in-law to say benediction over the Tora. - 1204

I. does not know the meaning of "eruv tavshi1im". Looks through the window of the rabbi's house. Comic results. - 1229 (958, 1217)

I. not knowing what he prays in Hebrew shouts: All I mean is: Oh God! I need a job!" - 2979

I. mistakes Yehuda son of Jacob for R. Yehuda of the Haggadah. - 2195

I.' misunderstanding of "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth." (Gen. 1;1). - 1181 (Pun)

I.' misunderstanding of "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (Pun). (Exod. 14; 14). - 1180

I. proves that the dead must be buried on the day of death. - 1169

I. becomes rich and is declared scholar. - 1257

I. says eighteen benedictions according to Ashkenazi as well as Sephardic version. - 1201

I. says wrong blessing over spices at the end of Sabbat. - 1184

I. send wife to neighbor for learning preparation of Passover. Comic results. - 958 (1217, 1229)

I. Shalom and scholar Gimpel exchange letters. Gimpel's pun on Shalom misunderstood by Shalom. - 1258

I. shows the greatness of the Hebrew grammar. - 1189

I. told to say half of "Halle1" at the beginning of the month. Takes a thread and measures half length in prayer book. - 3084

I. wants to know what community does when kneeling on Yam Kippur. - 959

I. wants to know why prayer book is reluctant to have the Evil Impulse getting married. - 1190

I. wants to know the real name of the King of Sodom. - 1191

I. wants to know whether an egg laid on a holiday may be consumed. - 1188

I. wonders about commemoration of Maimonides' 800th anniversary. - 3086

Hassidic rabbi declared i. - 637

Rabbi with doctor title declared i. - 460

Rich i. on a seat reserved for scholars in the synagogue wonders about the meaning of the animal being placed near man in Psalm 36; 7. - 1197

Rich i. pays for being "bridegroom of the Tora" on Simhat Tora. - 1198

Rich i. pretends to read Rambam's book when asked for a contribution for the redemption of prisoners. - 1194

Rich i. wonders about his neighbors at the Eastern Wall of the synagogue, the one has tooth ache and the other haemorrhoids. - 1196

Ignoramuses are angry with scholars and build a synagogue of their own. - 1228

Ignorance

I. about the significance of stamps on letters. - 1144

Imitation

I. of diagnosis by observation: you have eaten a horse. - 906

Immigrant(s)

(Tristan Bernar) to the Land of Israel right after the Balfour-Declaration intends to "open a non-kosher butcher-shop." - 2615

New i. has learned proverb but doesn't remember author. - 2639

New i. learns Hebrew by means of mnemotechnics. Comic results. -2640 (1232)

New i. is ordered: "Jew, speak Hebrew!" - 2612

New i. sent to milk cows. Wants to learn on calf. - 2658

New i. watches cow being milked. Wants to know how the tap is closed. - 2660

Immigration

Before his i. man is asked to visit Esau's grave in the Holy Land and pray for the wellbeing of Jacob's sons. - 3072

Impostors

I. in disguise of zaddik and his treasurer. – 638

Informer(s)

I. was beaten up in Pinsk. - 1447

I. claims that his characteristics and those of zaddik are equal: Both love money and cheat. - 625

I. died leaving a son. Kaleb cries for the i. leaving without son. - 1449

I. sentenced to be whipped in public. - 1446

I. teaches his son the secrets of his "trade". - 1448

On death of i. (Lipmans) hassidim cite: "There is joy in your country and gladness in your city." - 672

Inn. (see also: "Innkeeper")

I. in village has no food for its guests. - 804

Guest of i. "heals" swollen cheek of chamber maid by kissing her on the mouth. - 778

How the i. of the Jew was destroyed. (Chain of accidents). - 2060

Innkeeper

I. advises guest to use bathroom at noon when all the flies are in the dining room. - 3125

I. asks guest about his sleep. Answer: "I did well but the bugs did not." - 773

I. asks guest about his sleep. Answer: "Half of the night I was drunk and slept; the other half the bugs were drunk and slept." - 768

I. asks guest to sleep fast since another guest is waiting for the cushion. - 776

I. complains to rabbi about two guests from Warsaw who had left the housemaid pregnant. - 1050

I. commenting on the bugs in his room: "Do you prefer elephants?" - 771

I. to guest complaining about dirty sheets: "you never see them anyway." - 3124

I. demands from Hershele payment for his meals. Hershele suggests they both go begging. - 779    .

I. exchanges teacher's billy goat for male goat. - 1058

I. has meal brought to guest's room. Complaint about quality of food and sloven servant. - 777

I. makes nothing of dead bug in guest's room. Guest: "But you should have seen the funeral!" - 772

I. opens notebook with bug crawling inside. - 770

I. prepares water for guest to wash his hands in the morning. - 1075

I. in Petersburg negotiates bribe with officer of secret police. - 1928

I. prevents guest from sleeping by chanting psalms during the night. - 1153

I. sells brandy like gentile. - 1734

I. sells his nose and that of his wife to guest. - 2974

I. wakens heretic guest for selihot. - 1840

I. welcomes R. Zusya and R. Elimelekh with food and lodging. - 205

I.'s servant wakens guest early in the morning. He needs the table cloth the guest is sleeping on. - 775

I.'s servant wakens guest twice during the night. – 774

I.'s wife miscalculates payment due to her from guest. - 1070

I.'s wife has difficulty in satisfying thirsty coachman. - 856

I.'s wife has no food for guests. - 295, 345 (804)

I.is wife threatens boy with giving him to greedy guest who should eat him up too. - 813

Hershele volunteers to marry ugly daughter of i. - 1608

Inquisitive Fools (see also: "Ignoramus(es)")

How does boiling water know it has reached 1000C? - 1119

How does one determine a flying aeroplane, whether it is friend or foe? - 2763

How many fools are among Israel? - 506

How does the government profit from the sale of stamps? - 2100, 2101

How does one shave a man whose head is shaking? - 2219

How does a train move with neither horses to draw nor porters to push? - 2118

If a person lacks one of his senses (limbs), will that be compensated? ­ - 2114

The Kaiser's shoes are made of gold. How are they protected when he walks in the mud? - 2104

The moon is densely populated. How crowded it must be when it is waning! ­2125

The sun is motionless and the earth moves since Yoshua ordered the sun to stand still. - 2124

What is the distance between Brzesc and Warsaw? - 200 kilometers. And what is the distance between Warsaw and Brzesc? - 2119

What is of greater importance, reading or writing? - 2116

What would happen if all men were united in one man, if all trees were united in one, all axes united in one...? - 2109

What kind of character is a man who drinks a sweet tea with a lump of sugar in his mouth? - 889        .

What is the purpose of a handkerchief? - 2105

What is a telegraph for and how does it work? - 2112

Where do we know from that the cantors are fools? - 503

Where do the rains come from? - 2115

Who was the first Jew who had to run his business in the name of a gentile? (Pun). - 2063

Who is greater than who? - 621

Why are you afraid of war? - There are always two possibilities. - 2126

Why do Americans need suspenders when they walk with their heads down  and their feet up? - 2218

Why is the bier equipped with two poles and the wedding canopy with four? - 1593

Why does the dog wag its tail? - 2121

Why does one get drunk from drinking wine? - 545

Why are the Egyptians black? - 155

Why did God create Adam first and only then Eve? - 1547

Why did God create man's nostrils declining? - 2107

Why did God order Moses that the Sons of Israel keep themselves apart from their wives during the three days preceding the presentation of the Tora? - 1671

Why did God take from Job everything except his wife? - 1546

Why does God send snow in winter and not in summer? - Why are the rich given all the money and the childbearing women twins, and the barren women no children at all? - 2089 (1872)

Why does hair gray before the beard? - 2122

Why is the hen preferred by the gentile and not the pig? - 258

Why did Israel make a golden calf in the desert? - 2965

Why does the Kaiser collect all kinds of taxes? - 2113

Why did Lot become a drunkard? - 873

Why did Lot settle in Sodom? - 872

Why are there more oxen than horses although oxen are consumed and horses are not. - 1005

Why did the sages intercalate a month of Adar and not a month of Tammuz? - 2111

Why does one say "drunken 1ike Lot" and not "drunken 1ike Noah"? - 871

Why is the sea salty? - 2123

Why does a slice of bread always fall on its buttered side? - 1010, 2227

Why did the sons of Jacob demand of the inhabitants of Nablus to be circumcised? - 2071

Why were turnips eaten on Tuesdays only? - 2106

Why was the Western Wall of the Temple saved when all the others were destroyed? - 2602

Instigator. (see also: "parson(s)", "priest(s)")

I. claims that the God of the Jews is hiding from them. - 1950

I. claims that the Jews must accept the other religion according to Jewish law which says: "Follow the crowd..." (Ex. 23; 2-3). - 2002

I. tries to persuade Jews to believing in a God born without a father. ­2004

Instructions

I. followed literally. - 289

Interest

Lenin, the i. on "The Capital" of Karl Marx. - 2807

Invention

I. in Tel-Aviv replacing telegraph and telephone: The rumour. - ­2621

Israel. (see also:"Jew(s)")

I., it is feared may be outlawed in Russia. - 1890

I. are saints. They filch, pinch and swipe but none of them is a thief. 1342

I. are used to transgress the explicit prohibition: "Thou shalt not steal." - 1345

I.'s business decreases from one year to the next. - 13

I.'s customs rejected by heretics. - 1880

I.'s marvellous luck on Rosh Hashanah. - 1841

I'.s. trade is unsuccessful compared with that of the gentiles. - 2

I.'s troubles. - 14

The number of I. turning to Zionism increases with the spreading of antisemitism. - 3107