Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

 OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

H

Hair

H. grays before beard since it is twenty years older. - 2122

Hakham

H. forgotten by Montefiori distributing money to scholars offers loan to donor. - 264

Hand(s) (see also: "Pickpocket(s)", "Talking")

H. extended in greeting does not give alms. - 332

H. offered in greeting, thumb is on the side. Thumb between two fingers, hand signifies... - 1879

Man's h. seized by woman in heated quarrel before judge. - 1813

What do I hold in my h.? - (A millstone). - 1122

Hands folded on breast do not reach pocket. - 330

H. of rabbi inkstained. - 1955

H. shake and eyes are dim in old age. - 706

"Who is a hero? One whose h. are tied, and he is talking nevertheless." - 2941

Soiled h. of child reprimanded by mother. - 2878

Handkerchief

H. and ass' head, both may be carried on Sabbat. - 1765

H., a multi purpose commodity. - 2105

A h. was the only thing left to Trotzki where he could poke his nose in. - 2813

Hassid(im) (see also: "Mitnaged(im)", "Rabbi of Hassidim", "Zaddik(im)", Wonderworker(s)")

H. asks rabbi for cursing his rival. - 1889

H. asks his rabbi: "Why do we mourn the diaspora of the shekhina (divine presence) and not that of God?" - 630

H. blames zaddik of another school. - 679

H. boasts of his rabbi :"He eats and drinks for hiding his fast." - 613

H. claims that his rabbi sleeps in one hour more than another person during the whole night. - 609

H. complains about the cow that does not give any more milk. Not the rabbi but an expert on cows helps. - 604

H. complains to his rabbi about his very bad financial situation. - 602

H. complains about his misery. - 605

H. enters the rabbi's bed room by mistake and seems to see angels dancing on his bed and horses on hers. - 615

H. being derided by man during third Sabbat meal says: "Your soul is one too many." (Pun). - 670

H. eager to know when the Messias will come is told by Shmerl: "When the palm of your hands are covered with hair, then he will come." - 1834

H. has learned from railway, telephone and telegraph. - 687

H. leaves eighteen coins of redemption money for zaddik. One of them is fa1se. - 622

H. as well as mitnaged are destined for going to hell. (R. Menashe) - 589

H. and mitnaqed discuss their respective prayers. - 671

H. has no money for travelling to his rabbi on the Days of Awe. - 619

H. mortifying his flesh is compared with horse. - 650

H. pawns his phylacteries and prayer shawl for financing the trip to rabbi. - 653

H. praises his rabbi as rabbi but deplores him as partner in business. - 654

H. prays in synagogue of mitnagdim and "deceives" In version of Mussaf prayer. - 666

H. in dark room knocks against stove: "Nothing is real except the stove." ­2085

H. stands on peas in synagogue on Yom Kippur. - 1843

H. unwittingly sleeps in bed of gentile maid. - 2134

H. urinates on rabbi's window. - 682

H.'s prayer: "Those who hate me and Israel should be mitnagdim." - 673

H.'s unmarried daughter is a little pregnant. - 1514

Drunken h. is interrogated by soldier on guard. - 983

Foolish h. reminds brother that he must see to the marriage of bachelor sons. - 1117

Former h. ridicules his rabbi but strikes mitnaged's face when latter makes fun of that rabbi too. - 668

Rich h. and boor h. visit their rabbi. - 220

Hassidim bless God 'for good and for evil. In any case they enjoy a glass of brandy. - 685

H. come to an inn and are offered brandy and bread only. - 855

H. drink in honor of God who created them h. of Belz and nothing else. - 3015

H. praise a certain zaddik before R. David, (Parable: the English cat). - 628

H. of Radom do not pay the respect due to R. Shemuel.Mehilever. - 3102

H. of different schools discuss the merits of their respective rabbis. - 659

H. threaten R. Jacob with beating him if he would not tell them a parable. (Parable of: rabbi running away from dogs.) - 677

Three h. of different schools discuss the supplies their respective rabbis take when travelling. - 607

Two h. of different schools discuss the greatness of their respective rabbis. - 637

Two h. vying each with the other in the superiority of their respective rabbis. - 606, 608

Haste

H. does not pay, says guest falling and breaking bottle of brandy. -2428

Heaven

H.'s reply to earthly application arrives after seventeen years. - 3165

Description of H. with its throne for bride raped in field and crying for help. - 2151

"How can one rely on H.'s mercy?" - 950

Heavenly

H. court discusses civil marriage. - 2027

H. court wants peace among the nations. Moses and Jesus refuse to descend. - 2783

H. host does not make any difference between poor and rich: the one gets the seed, the other the money. - 190

Christian delegates of H. host sent to Bolshevic Russia. - 2821

Hebrew (see also: "New Immigrant(s)")

H. learned by Tiomkin, head of the Chovevei Zion Commission in Jaffa. - 2667

H. letter of unfortunate son very much appreciated by father. - 2950

H. word for "bald" improved by linguists. - 265

Doctor intends to make rival speak H. - 2954

Heirs. (see also: "Rabbi and the dying")

H. of beggar deprived of their legacy. - 319

Hen (s) (see also: "Cock (s)")

H. and horse as filling for sausages. - 2601

H. of poor woman caught by thief. - 1355

"May a h. be slaughtered even though she has chickens?" - 394, (395)

Why is h. faithful to fickle cock? - 2153

Hens are clever. They lay eggs for two pennies and not for one. - 378

H. and cocks are frightened when gentile lets wind. - 2060

Heretic(s) (see also: "Rabbi and Heretics")

H. is afraid of thunder. - 1864

H. becomes penitent. - 1846

H. boasts of having transgressed all the laws of the Tora excepting one. - 1878

H. blesses the Tora with enthusiasm: "I thank God for giving us the Tora and not the gentiles." - 1947

H. declares saying of "S1ichot" child's play. He prefers to sleep. - 1840

H. declares that earth existed since times immemorial. Tomorrow he may claim the same of God. - 1856

H. derides burial rites. - 1880

H. derides group of pious Jews. - 1879

H. despises corrupt people. - 1839

H. has forgotten he is a Jew. - 1761

H. Heiman becomes Haman after baptism. - 1433

H. prays' with devotion on Yom Kippur since real creed is unknown. -1844

H. prays on Yom Kippur. Rabbi is "envious" of his "sins" which have become "merits". - 1845

H. to preacher: "Would not your income be better if there were many gods?" - 1858

H. saves maiden from committing suicide. Where will his sowl go, to Heaven or to Hell? - 1820

H. teaches provincial the art of heresy. - 737, 1877

H. to wonderworker: "I have a bad memory, no sense of smell and never tell the truth." Wonderworker cures him by putting dung into his mouth. - 641

H.'s father has ascended to Heaven right after death. Tombstone therefore unnecessary. - 1690

H.'s three most wonderful things in the world: a cup of tea after Kol Nidrei, a glass of beer after passover dumplings, cigarette after Sabbat meal. ­1776

Difference between h. on the one side and cock and goat on the other. - 474

Former h. chastises himself. The more he does so the greater and the sweater his sins must have been. - 1846

Heretics to Caleb: "How can you believe in the story of Yonah being swallowed by a wale which hardly can do so with a worm?" - 2163

H. (also named "Berliners" by orthodox Jews) are eating without hats. (Pun) - 2167

H. and the evil urge. - 1729

H. are faster than hassidim in following Messiah to Erets Israel. - 2590

H. object to baptism for the sake of children and leave Moscow though they forfeit right of settlement there. - 1388

H. "know prayer book by heart," (speak Hebrew among themselves). - 1261

Jewish community of Swierzawa comprised of h. and renegades. - 2710

Hesitation

Disastrous h. - 3118

Hiding

H. grandmother who is afraid of old Cossacks. - 712

H. pistol in a way that it is unretrievable. - 2746

Man h. under bed for fear of his wife. - 1653

Rabbi believes he must go into h. - 381

Holiness

H. of hassidic rabbi is the result of his being elected by disciples. – 681

Honor

Where the h. is due to him Bloch does not want his tailor to be honored. ("Welcome to the clothes!") - 2500

Horse(s) (see also: "Coachman(men)", "Officer(s)", "Recruit(s)")

H. too fast for buyer's requirements. - 1001, 1002

H. for five pennies. - 995

Man exchanging one h. for another and paying in addition reveals that his h. is the worse of the two. - 2006

Old h. of travelling hassidim only draws their belongings. - 684

Horses, asses and pigs were left in zoological garden of the Nazis. - 1988

H. and cattle come to the rabbi anyway; no need for him to go to the auction. – 643

H. are fed by one of them on Sabbat. - 177

H. help each other scratching. - 432

H. are out of danger as long as "saints" sleep. - 1347

Beautiful h. are the subject of zaddik's story and his thoughts. - 655

Isaac's h, could run twenty kilometers per hour in one stretch but they never wanted to be that fast. - 136

A pair of h. and a foal that will grow are the coachman's property. - 143

Road is built for the comfort of the h. - 388

Sale of defect h. – 1313, 1314

When h. are grazing passengers may sit in coach. - 134 (3129)

"Where are the h.?" wonder philosophizing servant. - 991

Two h. are better than one." - 1246

Horsedealer(s)

H. buys seat at eastern wall of synagogue. - 376

H. sells defect horse. Takes payment for three legs only. - 40

Horsedealers discuss the date of the great fair in Jarmelintz. – 1252

Hospitality

H. rewarded by Elijah the Prophet. - 2972

Host

H. and guest burn their mouths. - 284 (1676)

Hotel

H. "Palatin" in Tel-Aviv under construction. Man wonders where all the bugs would come from for all the rooms. - 2622

Lift of skyscraper h. out of order. - 3168

Roommates in h. quarrel over blanket. - 1909

House owner(s) (see also: "Tenant(s)")

H. advised by Jew how the walls of house should be plastered. - 223

H. expels tenant. - 193

H. does not keep away from wife in night of Ninth of Av. - 1807

H. and madman. Latter threatens to destroy house. - 1168

H. has pity on beggar scratching his back on wall. - 307

House owners would be asked by beadle to get him out of prison. - 1094

H. preferred to rich men by beggar. - 279

H. of the town are like the rich men asking rabbi about the latter's economic situation. - 403

Hunchbacked

H. Mendelsohn proposes marriage to charming Frummet Guggenheim. - 2438

H. Mendelsohn's retort to a junker's biting remark: "As a hunchback I am handsome." - 2441

Husband(s) (see also: "Wife(ves)")

H. accused of neglecting phylacteries "does not want to put his head between two mounts 1ike Rashi and R. Tam." - 1781

H. advises wife to break her fast on Ninth of Av. - 1757

H. is afraid dead wife may return. - 1580, 1584

H. aware of wife's infidelity prefers half of good business to whole bad one. - 1667

H. boasts of having kept himself away from his wife for twenty years without her being aware of it. - 1662

H. claims to be dead. Wants to have rest in grave. - 1568

H. complains about wife. - 3034  

H. dominated by wife and afraid of her fury. - 1653, 2090

H. expected to return to young wife's bed. Gottlober therefore awaits him there. - 1663

H. extinguishing Sabbat candle to wife: "Since you married me you have no need for a Sabbat gentile."- 1764

H. finding his wife lying on the bench with his partner decides to sell the bench. - 1668

H. forgives wife for deceiving him before marriage regarding her age and dowry. - 1575

H. hopes wife will live to one hundred and nineteen. - 1574

H. implores matchmaker to replace his old and sick wife by two young women. ­3031

H. intends to travel abroad without wife. - 1665

H. never knows how to put on his coat. - 2084

H. leaves home every night. He observes chess players. - 1541

H. mourns death of wife since he believes in resurrection. - 1614

H. pities quarrelsome wife as well as envies her because of her changing the housemaid ever so often. - 1669

H. praises doctor for sending wife to Marienbad for a long cure. - 1639

H. praises wife when it has turned out that Sabbat meal has been exchanged by baker. - 1637

H. proves that men are not proud: The daily "Blessed be He who did not create me a woman," is directed against one's own wife. - 1655

H. replacing wife in shop reads instead of watching thieves. - 2093

H. returning home after absence of two years finds his wife pregnant. - 1666

H. sees in broken chair a major loss of money. - 357

H. sends wife to sanatorium with an allowance. She does not come back. - 1640

H. thinks himself dying, has eaten from a pot of preserves said to be poisoned. - 1652

H. newly wed leaves wife since she does not give him pleasure. - 1544

H. and wife accuse each other of being mad. - 1601

H. and wife complain about each other to rabbi. - 1572, 1573

H. and wife discuss the "agrarian question": who should be buried first. -1585

H. and wife exchange blows (with rake pestle, mortar). - 832, 1569, 1571

H. and wife need a rest. - 1567

H. and wife quarrel before Passover. - 1602

H. wonders whether rabbi acted according to law when latter accepted wife's evidence against h. as valid. - 867

H.'s sudden death at a game of cards brought to wife. - 1596 (2010)

H.'s face slapped by stranger. - 3120

H.'s mind disturbed by three objects: beautiful home, beautiful furniture and beautiful wife. - 1534

Dying h. asks wife to put on her fineries. - 1619

Dying h. calls wife to bedside. He must make peace with enemies. - 1618

Dying h. consoles weeping wife: As soon as he is settled he will call her. - 1627

Dying h. dictates will, and wife interferes. - 1626

Dying h. would prefer to stay with his sons and send his wife instead. - 1628

Fugitive h. found by wife recites benediction signifying the end of Sabbat (the day of rest). - 1566

Mourning h. does not accent consolation. - 1636

Name of h. given to wife on day of marriage; name of wife given to h, on day of bankruptcy. - 116

Unattractive h. claims to have been handsome as a child but later exchanged by witch. - 1062, 2140

When h. and wife enjoy their meals. - 1658

Young h. refuses to pay matchmaker. - 1488

Young h. gradually takes out dowry from bank. Finally, "dismisses" guard. -2976