Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

F

Face(s)

F. is covered. Thus man feigns to have received wounds by robber. - 1651

"F. of Moses" rather than "hands of Moses." - 570

Jew's f. is a mirror of parson's. - 1954

"Do you only wash your f. and not your posterior?" - 793

Faces of brothers are so much alike that one is mistaken for the other. - 2243

Fanatics

Religious f. deride Zionism and its adherents. - 2687

Fate

The changing f. of the German and Russian armies in war. (World War I) - 2770

Father(s) (see also: "Daughter(s)", "Letter(s)", "Matchmaker(s)", "Son(s)")

F. advises son on the choice of a job. - 3134

F. asks son about his feelings towards future parents-in-law. - 1714

F. of the bride almost loses his coat on way to wedding canopy. - 2084

F. brings young son to village for him to learn proper German accent. - 2077

F. buys suit for growing son. - 33

F. complains to rabbi about German soldiers who had impregnated his daughter. - 1016

F. complains that son has converted to Christianity. Friend reminds him that God's only son had done the same. - 2011

F. to daughter who is about to spend her wedding night: "Whatever you feel you must shout!" - 3049

F. has so many daughters he cannot count them any more. - 1698

F. dies with a problem. Will solve it in Heaven. - 1192

F. explains to son the meaning of "the struggle of the impulse." - 1315

F. insists on first marrying off his elder daughter. - 1513

F. was the only Jew. - 1402

F. makes mistake in reading the Haggadah. - 1675

F. Modke to his son: "How well both of us would have fared had I not known your mother!" - 1612

F. does not object to son's (a university student) baptism. - 1436

F. can only pay half the sum pledged as dowry for daughter. - 1502

F. has pledged dowry to future son-in-law is however unable to pay. - 1501

F. provides son with envelope addressed to himself as a reminder for son to write home. - 356

F. provides son with money. - 1704

F. rebukes modern son for staying out all night. - 1687

F. rebukes son in the street. On viewing a general: "If you do not learn and think about nonsense you will become a general!" - 2053

F. rebukes son for wishing to be happy with future wife. - 1705

F. rejoices when informed that son has married a dumb girl. - 1538

F. reluctant to marry off his hunchbacked daughter. - 3023

F. reminds son who is on his way to meet future bride that he must also have a look at the family. - 1508

F. reprimands son whose engagement has been cancelled and who must return the money for the engagement ring and the kisses which had been given in vain. - 3025

F. and son burn their mouths. - 1676 (284)

F. and son buy goods in town. - 83

F. and son climb a hill. - 1710

F. has son learn a trade. - 126

F. and son on Seder Night. - 240

F. and son visit prospective fat bride. - 3021

F. and spendthrift son. - 12

F. takes son to high-school. - 1006

F. to teacher complaining about the small present he received at the circumcision ceremony: "A child born a gentile becomes a Jew at the hand of the circumciser but becomes a gentile at the hand of a teacher. - 561

F. teaches son: "A barking dog does not bite," but runs away when a dog barks at him. - 1708

F. had never thought about the registration of his son's real birthday. - 2223

F. will turn in his grave when son is converted. - 1411

F. wants his modern son to put on phylacteries and mourn the destruction of the Temple from first to ninth of Av. - 1681

F. wants son to buy wine without money. Son offers empty bottle: "Fill your glass from empty bottle." - 2871

F.'s anger about son's generation. - 711

F.'s belief in son's future success as literary critic. - 581

F.'s disappointment in son. - 1707

F.'s feet are dirtier than son's since f. is thirty years older. - 2849

F.'s little notebook. - 77

A good f. - 2919

"Nobody's" f. - 2923

"He had only one f.," says little Hersheli to big Major Stapinski. - 1963

Polish Jewish f. explains to son the meaning of a Lithuanian Jew nicknamed "crosshead". - 2690

Provincial f. ignorant of city's social life. - 736

Rich Lithuanian father drives to far Poland for a pale hunchbacked husband of honorable family for daughter (Parable of the coachman). - 1519

Father-in-law (see also: "Son-in-law")

F. and husband of daughter come to blows over dowry and support of young couple. - 1718

F. had pledged ten years of support of young couple however claims that ten days equal ten years. Son-in-law leaves wife since she had not born him any children during that period. - 1715

F. had pledged three years of support but son-in-law leaves after two years and claims payment for the missing period. - 1716

F. explains to son-in-law: "Whatever I own I owe to others." - 78

F. wants to cancel the support of the young couple. - 1719

Field

F. of leguminous plants arouses dream of riches. - 1903

Finger(s)

F.-nails are created for scratching. - 2869

Fingers of poor man created for spilling drop of wine for each plague. - 2994

F. are used for counting. - 2137

Two f. cut of for being unfit for military service. - 2946

First born

F. cannot believe death of younger brother. - 1175 (1250)

Fish

F. unequally divided causes debate on table manners. - 830

F. forbidden to person running a temperature. - 236

"F. loves water" and "porc loves brandy." - 2046

F. thrown out of Wisla River on Sabbat eve. - 2656 (590)

F. have become used to treatment of grandmother in the course of fifty years.

- 980

No f. in village inn since there is no river. - 804

Two f. and five loaves of bread satisfy five thousand. (Matt. 14; 13-21). - 2031 Question: "How does one cook two f. in three pots while the f. are remaining whole?" - 308

Fishmonger

F. claims to have not one single stinking fish. - 3143

F. discovers stolen fish protruding under too short a capote. - 1353

Food (see also: "Eating", "Restaurant")

F. and drink of army (German or Russian in World War I) determine victory in battle. - 2770

F. will be enjoyed after two days of fasting. - 160

F. won by eating frogs. - 739

Forbidden f. eaten "in retaliation of gentile's eating Sabbat pastry." - 1736

Fool(s) (see also: "Chelm and its people", "Thankful fool")

F. accuses his wife for having rented a house close to where a fire rages. 1090

F. is asked by employer to get him a pair of shoes. Brings one sandal and one shoe. - 1096

"A f. 'on condition' and a f. 'on no condition'." - 1155

F. convinced that he is cheating the post office by throwing letter without stamps into the letter box. - 1097

F. is enjoying himself by day and weeping by night. - 2233

F. envies cripple without legs since the latter has never cold feet. - 2178

F. finds that one feather is hard to sleep on. Thinks a full pillow would be unbearable. - 2145

F. finds fault with God's creation. He'd prefer his wife laying eggs instead of bringing forth living babies. - 2120

F. is glad that fire has broken out at night and lightens the environment. Otherwise he would not have known where to bring the water. - 2102

F. is glad fire has burned the bugs together with his house. - 2175

F. informed that his father has died does not believe it. - 1250 (1175)

F. introduced to prospective in-laws hardly opens his mouth for hiding his stupidity. - 1124

F. knows he is a f. - 1148

F. in priest's clothes does not know himself. - 1139

F. lightens three candles all at once. They should burn the whole night since one would burn for one third of the night only. - 1092

F. makes knots in handkerchief so that he should remember the tunes he had learned. - 1116

F. regrets he had not eaten the last five matse balls (out of thirty) for those would have satisfied him. - 1136

F. returns in the evening. Nods head when asked from the inside: "Is that you outside?" - 1101

F. seeks money lost in mud by night with lantern in a clean street. - 1091 (309)

F. is not on speaking terms with dog which had torn his pants. Dog laps up the milk. - 1100

F. strikes all matches in order to try them. - 1099

F. touches person in darkness several times in different positions and believes person to be huge. - 981

F. uncertain about his foot. - 1138

F. urinates from balcony down into the street and stops when people pass by. Is afraid they'd pull him down by the jet. - 1127

"A f. will never be wise." - 1156

The dispute with a f. is an exhausting business. - 1150

The "double f." is caught transferring flour from others's sacks into his own. 1331 (90)

The greatest f. is the commander-in-chief. - 2779

Hitler makes a greater f. of himself than Chaplin. - 3062

Literal f. - 1113, 1114

"Summer f." and "winter f." - 1154

Talkative f. - 1123

"When you said" 'f.' you clearly mentioned our king." - 2780

"Who is a f.? - He who loses everything which is given to him." (Hagiga 3b). - 1115

"Why do you deceive a f.? (yourself)" - 664

Fools are fond of sweets. - 835

F. of the present and sages of the past. - 1853 (436)

Three f. there were... - 56

Two f. One laughs when the other falls over a stone. - 2232

"The wise men of Wilna are f." - 1857

Foolish Questions (see also: "Inquisitive fool(s)")

It says: "The gates of tears are never closed." So what are they for? - 1157

One has five thousand dinars and another five daughters. Who is the richer? - 1697

What does a Jew need his feet for? (pun). - 2154

What is the sense in cutting finger nails on the eve of Sabbat? - 2869

When do husband and wife enjoy themselves, each one separately and the two of them together? - 1658

When does an old man without teeth have tooth ache? - When a dog bites him. 713

Who installed the cantors? (pun). - 500 .

Why are beasts placed next to man (in Psalm 36; 7)? - 1197

Why do we, call Sukkot "the time of our joy?" - 1657

Why is a cow just called "beast"? (with added meaning of rude person) - 3113

Why is the date for a wedding fixed after the counting (of Omer)? - 1494

Why is a dead person honoured by being carried? - 1632

Why were doughnuts made in form of triangles? - 831

Why are we forbidden to wear sandals on Yom Kippur? - 1361

Why did God strike the Egyptians by gnats and failed doing so by Hassidim? - 661

Why does the Haggada place the wise son together with the evil one and not with the fool? - 1151

Why is a horse frightened by an automobile? - 2228

Why did Israel not eat stewed fruit on weekdays excepting Tuesday? - 2106

Why did the Lord not curse the stepmother? - 1713

Why does the Mishna write "dumb, fool and little" in that order? - 1149

Why does a newly wedded man not join the army? -He has a war at home. - 1590 Why is a man particularly joyous when looking at the sons of his sons? - 1677

Why has a small and stout man such a big stomach? - 283

Why does man sometimes wash his face and hands but never his feet? - 2848

Why have the poor Jews so many children? - 189

Why is a poor man forbidden to eat cream? - 188

Why must a poor man observe all the commandments starting with "Thou shall not", and the rich are not required to do so? - 232

Why did the prayers of our fathers take a long time and those of our sons are as fast as lightening? - 1685

Why have so many rabbis hernia? - 424

Why does' a religious Jew go out with prayer shawl and phylacteries? - 1782

Why do rich men prefer giving alms to a poor and crippled man and not to a scholar? - 215

Why must tobacco be burnt, and why is it loyed by men? - 2708

Why are two Yudim together the symbol for "God"? (pun) - 1883

Why do all the visitors get uP when the babe is being circumcised? - 2074

Why do we remember the clay and the bitter herbs on Passover night and not the "many possessions"? - 2226, (1591)

Football

Is f. on Sabbat a transgression of the law or a good deed? - 2617

Foreseeing

"Foresee the possible event." - 176

Four Gountries

F.C. (Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim) mistaken for the Council of F.G. - 369

"Fourteen Points" of Woodrow Wilson

"Fourteen Points" of Woodrow Wilson and "Ten Commandments" of Moses. - 3169

Friend(s)

F. is asked for a loan. 59, 62

F. defines "hate for nothing" (for no reason). - 1886

"Am I your f. because I am an ass, or am I an ass because I am your F.?" 2241

Friends meet again after many years. - 3047 (1699)

Funeral (see also: "Undertaker(s)", "Widow(s)", "Widower(s)")

F. of Karassin is as expensive as the funeral of the whole Bolshevic Central Committee together would be. - 2808

F. of a man distinguished by suffering. - 3163