Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

C

 

Calendars

Last c. sold by Hersheli to Major Stapinski, his wife and the club servant after Rosh Hashanah. - 42

Candle(s)

Adam Hacohen lifts the Sabbat candle so that he can see the customary cut made in the challa. - 1759

"Candles should be adjusted by the gentile on Sabbat," says smoking Brodes to beadle. - 1763

Big c. lighted when poor and small c. when rich. - 1887

Three c. lighted by fool instead of one. They should last the whole night. - 1092

Cane

Adam Hacohen walks with c. on Sabbat since he "fears God." - 1823

Cantor

C. and animals readjust span of life. - 517 (690)

C. applies for raise of salary. - 501, 511

C. is to be appointed when he is also slaughterer. 514

C. and beadle. - 502

Blumenthal wanted to be addressed by his name and not just "c." (The parable of the thief). - 526

C. has a cold and consequently lost his voice. The audience demands its money back. - 518

C. with excellent qualities but no voice is to be appointed by rabbi. 522

C. has not improved. - 509

C. laughs on Rosh Hashana during prayer. 508

C. must be married. - 512, 1556

A c. like Moses. - 521

C. of Neutra looks for key of Tora Shrine. 1339

C. of the Odessa Community. - 1303

C. says the prayer for rain on last day of Sukkot, and Heaven immediately responds. - 510

C. and singing beggar. - 647

C. sings with a choir of 36. What happens when one does not sing? - 515

C. sings prayers with a lot of tremolo on Rosh Hashanah and boasts of his art. (Parable as reply) - 3083

C. is stupid since he is neither wise nor does he know the Tora. 507

C.-teacher-slaughterer of small community. - 1980

C. tests horses' neighing with tuning fork. - 3082

C. uses tuning fork for knocking on door of midwife. 3081

C. of Volozhin was to act as slaughterer as well. - 513

A c.'s habit: while singing he puts his thumb under chin. - 523

Coachman refuses to serve as c. - 440

How do we know that a c. is stupid? R. Barukh-Mordehai proves it according to Mishna. - 505

Itinary c. asks for a singer from choir of Budapest synagogue. 528

"Jewish" c. and "gentile" c. - 527

Old c. is invited to sing in the synagogue of the horse dealers and that of the butchers on the high holidays. He chooses the latter. 524

Old c.'s voice frightens worshippers. He is dismissed. - 516

New c. of tailors' synagogue is criticized for his "slip of the tongue." -1187

Nissan was c. as well as compositor but without a voice. - 525

Poor c. asks for support since he has lost his voice. - 529

Though he is a c. Goldes is not a fool. - 504

Two c. The voice of one is heard only by mice while the other has the voice of a lion. - 97

Captain

C. orders heavy balast thrown into sea when ship is in danger to be wrecked. One man has nothing but the "heavy tongue" of his wife. - 1539

Carpenter

C. steals spoon from employer. - 1357

Carrying

C. handkerchief in pocket on Sabbat equals c. head of ass on Sabbat. - 1765

Cashier

C. of banker steals. - 163

Heretic c. cannot abandon old habits. Although he is working on Yom Kippur he fasts. - 1406

Old c. of merchant steals. - 164

Cat

C. claimed to have eaten the meat. - 1103

Every ordinary c. turns into English c. when one pays for looking at it. - 628

Catastrophe

The difference between c. and accident according to D'Ilsraeli. -2584

Catholic

C. priest finds newly baptised Jew eating goose meat on Friday. 1418

Cattle dealer

One c.d. to another: "Whenever you need an ox, please do not forget me." - 47 (3138)

Cavalier

Jewish c. only needs one spur. - 2724

Censor

The c. of Konstantinopel and the c. of Vilna were rivals regarding the Hebrew literature they were inspecting. - 2067

"C'est le ton qui fait la musique." - 365, 1691

Chain

C. of accidents. - 2060

C. of horrors. - 101

C. involving contradictions: "That is too bad", "That is good". - 1922

Chairs

689 valuable c. in Heaven for the righteous and one beautiful for an engaged maid being raped and shouting for help, but nobody comes for her rescue. - 2151

Chairman of the "Comité des Délégations Juives" in Palestine

C. asks British general for the permit of religious slaughter. 2668

C. sends Jewish woman to religious institution. - 2669

Chamberlain

C. (Frug) serves lawyer during the day and writes poems at night. - 3109

Charity

C. complains to God about being neglected by a poor Jew who has nothing to give but a sniff of tobacco. - 2971

C. is not extended to one whose house has not been consumed by fire raging in town. - 2988

Chastisement, self inflicted

C. for the sake of urging coming of the Messias. - 1834

C. Standing on peas during Yom Kippur service. - 1843

Cheka (Secret police in Bolshevic Russia. - See also "Bolshevic(s)")

C. officer investigates Jew about his income. - 2835

C. officer investigates Jew about his whereabouts a number of years earlier. - 2834

C. offices were out-of-bounds for the public. 2818

C. "saves" drowning man for cursing Stalin. - 2816

Chelm and its people

Beadle is carried on table so as not to spoil first snow. - 1038

Beadle wakes the people by knocking on shutters assembled in his yard. 1039

Brick as sample of the house fool wants to sell. - 1079

Bride and groom face west instead of east. - 1048

Building of public bath. - 1034

Building a stove of butter. - 1029

Cat eats many mice. to kill it, the house is set on fire. - 1040

Chelm, the capital city of numskulls. - 1084

Dead man identified by his stutter. - 1047

Dispute on the privileges of the rich. - 1043

Drowning the fish as punishment. - 1041

Fence erected around the town so that the cold will not come in. - 1030

Fire extinguisher may serve for storage, but must be cleaned a day before fire breaks out. - 1042

Fool at bath sees everybody naked. Puts red ribbon on his foot to identify himself. - 1061

Fool does not believe his father died. Letter announcing death was written by a stranger. - 1068

Fool goes to railway station irrespective of father's arrival. - 1067

Fool is angry about ancients who determined two months of Adar instead of two months of Tamuz. - 2111

Fool is told his wife has become a widow, Sits down and mourns - 3080

Fool to drowning man: "Get out of the water and learn to swim!" - 3075

Fool has lost measure of his head - 1064

Fool sees sea at ebb tide. Tells his wife in letter that the sea is too small for all the Chelmers to bathe in. 1080

Fool with almost no beard claims to have inherited smooth face from grandmother. - 3078

Fool with torn umbrella thought there would be no rain. 3079

Fool wonders that stranger knows him but not his name 1077

Fool would return a purse containing 689,000 if the loser were the beadle - 1066

Foolish rabbi writes promissory note on both sides of sheet. - 1065

Foolish wagoner whispers that his sack contains oats. His hungry horse might hoar. - 3076

"Gimpel son of Todrus is certainly not my name!" - 1059

Goat opens the gate of Chelm to warring Zamoschetsers. - 1083

Goat teaches the art of cutting bread. - 1045

Greatest fool among those of Druja, Schklov and Chelm is the Chelmer. - 1085

Greatest fool: thp turkey of the cantor of Chelm. - 1054

Hanging the alms box under the ceiling. - 1035

Health is unaffected by smoking. - 1069

Heretic fool dips candle into milk and blesses it with uncovered head. - 1081

A hole is dug so as to have a place to throw the earth from excavation. - 1024

Horse kept in the synagogue. - 1032

Hotel owner does not provide water for washing the hands so as to prevent guest from stealing. - 1075

House of learning is being built in Chelm. - 1025

House might have been built over the billiards table. - 1076

Instruction of doctor misinterpreted: Fool swallows medicine standing in water. - 3077

Lake will never flood the town since the fish are drinking the water - 1082

Loaves of bread smaller in Chelm than anywhere else. - 1074

Measuring additiona1 ground for the cemetery. - 1027

Moon of Che1m was stolen. - 1037

Moving the mountain. - 1026

Pendulum of clock needs repair. - 1063

Poles may pierce the sky. - 1044

Quarrelling couple trapped in saving box which moves with them inside to synagogue. - 1057

Rabbi on the calf's tail - 1051

Rabbi's decision: the trough shall be put behind the horse. - 1049

Rabbi's head is snatched off. "Did he ever have a head?" - 1052

Rabbi Hirshl, the "handsome Jew". - 1072

Runner sent to ask the time in Zamoschets. - 1046

Scribe writes a letter to his deaf uncle in huge letters. - 1056

Seven plus seven equal eleven. - 1070

Stranger informed about person he is looking for. - 1071

Telegraph likened to huge dog. - 2112

Thank God, the names of goose and hen were not changed. - 2110

Thief is prevented from escape by putting his arms through holes in wall. - 1036 Timber work of ceiling is cut into small pieces so as to carry it into the synagogue. - 1033

Town planning in Chelm. - 1022

Traveller without ticket under bench of train and tucked in sack. - 1073

Tree trunks carried crosswise. - 1028

The tremendous blow. - 2109

Ugly fool tells girl how beautiful he had been after his birth. - 1062

The wager that the he-goat is a she-goat. - 1058

Walking stick lost and found in Warsaw. - 1078

Warning to thieves written on stove of house of learning. - 1055

Watchman on horseback for keeping the wolves away from him. - 1032

Watchman laughs about stupid thieves who come by night and believe themselves unobserved. - 1031

Watchman wears fur coat inside out showing thereby that he is no nobleman. 1032

Where does the summer heat come from? - 1060

Wood is carried downhill then carried back up for rolling it down. - 1023

Chemist

C. a newcomer has become farmer and feeds his cows grapefruit. - 2659

CHILDREN

Child born too soon

C. born five months after wedding. "A seven-months-c. is always born two

months earlier." - 1014

C. born four months after wedding. Father is proud of his virility. - 2098

C. born too soon: The mother was too young and unexperienced. - 1012

C. born too soon: The wedding was not on time. - 1013

C. born three months after wedding: Illogical counting of months rights the wrong. - 1015

Children vs. adults

Child agrees to be in chicken run as punishment but refuses to lay eggs. - 2915

C. being asked by nurse about sick brother replies: "He is a little alive." - 2938

C. in hospital is asked for name of father. Refuses to tell since "father did not bear me." - 2939

C. knows what will happen when adult takes off his belt. - 2924

C. opening the door to guest who "wants to buy her": "I'm not 'Made in Israel'. My sister is, you can buy her." - 3152

C. is reluctant to give away his name and that of his grandfather. (quibbling answer) - 2877

C. reprimanded by rabbi for being worse than the evil impulse. - 2875

C. speaking only Hebrew to adult addressing her in Yiddish (Jargon): "I'm a Hebrew and not a Jargon!" - 2901

C. understands when people shout "Fire" in Hebrew but does not understand it in Russian. - 2903

Children after a visit in the museum describe the beauties of Venus in concrete terms. - 2891

Marriage of c. 2880, 1714

Children and animals

Child in chicken run asks another to be quiet since the hens are holding a conference. - 2929

C. encourages the cock to crow some more. - 2909

Environment of children

Child born in Jerusalem will be neither president of the U.S. nor a member of the board of the Jewish Agency. 2673

Aunts advise mother on how to cure a sick c. - 951

Dead c. found before Passover. - 1945

Every fourth c. in New York is Jewish. - 1981

Children, the little monsters

Child claims to have bitten his own forehead. - 2894

C. claims that flat-nosed uncle has no nose at all. - 2895

C. discovers theft of cohen. - 1207

"A c. does every forbidden thing." - 2695

C. hides the sweets he has got on occasion of newly born babe. - 2889

C. on meeting lady from Tel-Aviv elegantly dressed on Chanukka: "There must be already Purim in Tel-Aviv." - 2936

C. on observing lady powdering her face encourages her to pat on more "manure". - 2935

C. reprimanded by rabbi and found less knowledgeable than R. Heshel at the same age. - 2876

Children annoy Jewish peddler in village. - 2076

C. annoy madman. - 1163

C. annoy sinner in the street. - 1788

C. discuss death of rabbi. - 2887

"Your c. and my c. beat our c." - 1660

Children and parents

Child after father's reprimand: " You wanted to be my father, so be it!" - 2917

C. must help father to prepare his (the child's) lesson for school. - 2898

C. cannot write "Mama" on a sheet of paper since mother is "so big". - 2932 (1056)

C. reprimanded for dirty hands. - 2878

Children as part of the weekly portion. - 15

C. of poor couple. - 191, 250

C. of wise woman. - 3044

Eighteen c. of immigrant. - 3045

Eleven c. of innkeeper. - 1070

Future of Modke's c. - 4

Seven c. of Landlord. - 1174

Children's questions

Child in Bible class (following Gen. 1;1): "Who created labroad'?" - 2899

C. on seeing the Tiberias Lake for the first time: "Did the sky descend to earth here?" - 2925

C. walking on Sabbat notices a huge steam roller: "If it were working today would it become a gentile?" - 2900

Children ask a huge visitor where his end is. - 2913

"If it rained a great amount would the sky remain?" - 2920

Where do children come from? - 2890

Who is the King Messias? - 2928

Who is wearing my head today? - 2910

Whose father are you? - 2914

Children's theory

Child exclaiming in the morning: "The sun has been lighted!" - 2912

C. is sorry about Bialik's death: "So young and dead already!" - 2916

A Bachelor is the father of nobody. - 2923

The blood of little girl's foot streams back as she gets up: "There is soda water in my foot!" - 2906

On first of May the children are going to the swimming pool in the morning. (pun) - 2911

Life of man: First he is born, then goes to kindergarten and school. When he is grandfather he speaks Yiddish and then he dies. - 2904

Midday's hot sun can be cooled. - 2921

Snow is sugar and ice is sold in summer for ice boxes. - 2897

The new temple needs only three walls since the Wailing Wall is already there. - 2927

Twentieth of Tammuz of Herzl and twentieth of Tammuz of Achad Ha'am. - 2937 When father will be old he'll speak Yiddish like grandparents. - 2902

Wisdom of children

Child buys matches. - 2896

C. claims his mother to be from Russia, father from Poland and himself from the belly. - 2926

C. combines two parts of morning prayer since "the head and the tail of a fish are combined to make one fish." - 2873

C. discovers foal of donkey and exclaims: "So young and already a donkey! (an ass)" - 2922

C. eats one foot of broiled goose. ("The goose with one leg") - 2874

C. explains that the poet's name was Bialik since he wrote poetry. - 2930

C. explains, "On Yom Kippur we eat at home and not on the veranda." - 2918

C. finds explanation to father's phrase "God connects a good thought to a deed," (Kiddushin 40;1) - 2879

C. gets a coin which had been found by father. Claims that the other was unfortunate in losing the coin. - 2872

C. lightens the Chanukka candles. - 2907

C. needs new shoes every half a year unlike father. Explanation: Father's paces are twice as long as c.'s. - 2870

C. shows steering wheel of tractor to friend who in turn points to his mouth: "I have one in there." (pun) - 2934

C.'s blessing of eggs like the blessing of bread. - 2933

C.'s description of the Purim procession with marquis and marquise (pun). - 2905 Facing the bust of a man, c. exclaims: "That must be a good father. He cannot beat!" - 2919

Two boys looking very much alike teach woman to look for the difference between them in the difference of the pockets of their pants. - 2931

Where there is no flour... there is no bread. - 2940

Cholera

C. in the "Smolni" (building occupied by Bolshevics). The (Jewish) leaders had eaten unclean food. - 2794

Chovevei Zion

C.Z. published Montefiore's picture on his 100th birthday and offered for sale to a rich antizionist. - 2967

C.Z. unpopular in Kowno. - 2388

Chairman of the C.Z. Commission (Tiomkin) in Palestine did not know Hebrew. - 2667

At the convention of C.Z. R. Shmuel and R. Katzenellenbogen quarrelled. A late "good bye". - 2389

List of contributors to C.Z. published after bribing of censor. - 2588

Opponents of C.Z. ridiculed by preacher of Kamnitz. - 2390

Public figures of C.Z. of diverse opinions about the center of the new settlers in Palestine. - 2613 .

Circumciser

C. consulted about the name of the young couple's babe. - 869

C. gets a larger tip than teacher since he "makes a Jew out of a gentile," and the teacher vice versa. - 561

C.'s mistake: cuts godfather's penis instead of circumcising the infant. - 972

Circumcision

C. ceremony preferred to funeral by Hersheli. - 254

Circus

In c., two Jews face each other, one in guise of tiger the other in guise of lion. - 2981

City

"C. (Tel-Aviv) stands on three foundations: cinema, radio and job." 2620

Climat of Erets Israel: In summer one spends in the Lebanese mountains and in winter in Egypt. - 2664

Clothes

C. thrown into the cooking food. - 345

Borrowed c. - 225

Coachman (see also: "Horse(s)", "Rabbi and Coachman")

C. does not believe in travelling without wagon and horses when confronted with train. - 3130

C. must buy tar for the wheels of his wagon. - 147, 855

C. is called to the Tora but is not satisfied with the small portion. - 143

C. calms passengers when wheels of wagon break down. - 135

C. claims his horses to be righteous, religious and humble. - 138

C. comes late to synagogue on Yom Kippur eve. - 1211

C. comes to rabbi and asks whether he may "take a divorced woman" since he is a cohen. - 2316

C. complains about scholarly son-in-law whom he never sees to say the blessing over wine on Sabbat. - 1775

C. engaged for transport of flour. - 1367

C. and the Evil Impulse. - 2999

C. fears the world will collide with the coming meteor. (Parable on collided wagons). - 3127

C. honors his old horse since it pulls the wagon he sits in. - 139

C. knows his horses. They have never wanted to hurry. - 136

C. has 1earned the prayer for four years and therefore knows them better than rabbi. - 2400

C. "does not move when one wants to travel. When one needs a rest he forces you to go." (R. Eizel). - 146

C. ordered by merchant to drive him on Sunday appears five days later. - 144

C. orders brandy "to his liking". - 856

C. and parson. - 2006

C. has passengers, walk behind wagon. - 134, 3129

C. has perfect knowledge of road between two towns. - 3128

C. and provincial. - 762

C. reads psalms. - 147

C. "repairs" wheel of wagon. - 1342

C. returns late on Sabbat night. - 1774

C. teaches his horse to live without food. - 141

C. teaches wisdom by parable. - 1519

C. has three horses and all of them scholars. - 137

C. refuses to serve merchant in winter and so loses his payment. - 145

C. whipping his horse is warned of possible transmigration of human soul. - 142

Old c. has lost his horse. - 645

Old c. wished the Almighty had fixed the Sabbat in the middle of the week. - 1251

Cobbler (see also: "Shoemaker(s)")

C. has himself baptized and loses his customers. - 1432

C. claims that he knows one thing better than God, namely making shoes. - 128

C. is glad he has not become a tailor. He would have starved. - 1131

C. after recent Bolshevic revolution orders wealthy man to serve him in the synagogue. - 2789

Cock (see a1so: "Hen (s) ")

C. closes his eyes while crowing on the table. - 2212

C. and fox. - 1837

C. soils noodles laid out for drying.- 1720

C.'s crowing imitated. - 688

Soup made of old c. as punishment. - 1631

Coffee

The c. is good excepting one fault: It contains no beans. - 807

Cohen (Cohanim)

C. while officiating barefoot, thinks about his shoes which might be stolen. - 1360

C, steals cheese during the blessing of the cohanim. when everybody else is covered by the talith. - 1207

C. thinks he can trespass anywhere he likes. - 2638

Ignorant c. misunderstands phrase in prayer. Thinks it to be curse. - 1206

Cohanim walking in the cemetery as sign of corruption of present generation. - 692

Coin

A golden c. is unique. It rolls from one hand to another. - 2095

Cold

A c. does not affect wooden legs. - 2178

Color

C. of blood is red not yellow. - 2735

C. of dress fades like c. of beard. - 1317

C. of man's eyes varies in his numerous passports. - 2648

Column

C. in synagogue speaks. - 499

Commission

Royal Peel C. (193l) proposes the division of Palestine. - 2686

Shaw Investigation C. (1930). When asked by the Jews the witness is forgetful, not so when asked by Arabs. - 2675

Shaw I.C. Its results are good for the British. - 2676

Communist

C. is more important for the world than either doctor or engineer. - 2803

Community

Small c. in village has synagogue, cemetery and a quorum of ten. - 2230

Trustee of c. is the first to fill his plate and eat of the bowl of the c. - 3159

Company. (see also "Soldier(s)", "Officer(s)")

C. of soldiers is afraid of crossing forest on way to conquest of village. - 2729

Complaint against Heaven

C. brought before modern rabbi believed to be impartial. - 429

C. by jester Hirsh Leib: You created the Nation for your own fun. Various "proofs" are given. - 3155

C. by man pursued by misfortunes. - 1624

Composer

C. of Hassidic tunes has no voice but a choir which sings his tunes. - 525

Confession

C. of a dying heretic (Schnittkawer). - 1745

Conquest. (see also "Army", "Soldier(s)")

C. of 180 seats by Russian Army in house-of-learning. - 2771

Consolation

C. in misfortune. - 193

Consulting

C. a broker on how to invest his money man acts contrariwise and loses. - 10

Contest

C.: "Who is the most obstinate?" - 3116

Continue

"C. all day what you start." - 2972

Contraband

C. goods compared to leavened bread on eve of Passover by R. Levi Yitshak. - 2050

Contractor

C. claims his voice is heard over two provinces. - 97

C. and the various businesses he has been engaged in and lost. - 5

C., the Zar Nikolai supplied meat to the Russian Army. - 2781

Rich c. to general: "If I were 1iterate, I would have become a beadle." - 6

Among three army contractors a renegade fond of Hebrew 1iterature. - 1441

Cook

C. leaves employer for getting married. - 178

C. sent to see whether the butcher has a calf's foot returns with: "The butcher had his feet covered with boots. 11 - 1102

Correction

C. of the Haggada. - 1863, (59)

Cossack

C. crosses himself before meal. - 1732

Counting.

C. money under anaesthesia. - 2980

Country

The c. of the Jews: Czechoslovakia. - 2079

Cow(s)

C. seizes drunken Jew by its horns and runs off with him. - 968

C. transformed into bull. - 604

"How did the c. get up to the fifth floor and defi1e the beam?" - 961

Red c. likened to Erets Israel (Lilienblum). - 2665

Thank God that cows have no wings. Their excrement might smother people. 2108

Cunning

C. answer leaves questioner in dilemma. - 305

Custodians

C. confiscate cushion and lamp of man who has not paid the community tax. - 370

Customer

C. asks shopkeeper with running nose whether she has handkerchiefs for sale. She should wipe her nose first. - 35

C. in beer cellar advises proprietor on how to sell one third more beer. - 805

C. calculates how much he should pay for a scarf when told the price of it. - 31

C. complains about dirty glass of vendor of limonade. - 2649

C. escapes without paying for pastry. - 809 .

C. orders beer in tavern. Complains about the glass being but two thirds full. - 806

C. steals fish and hides it under kapota. Is caught by fisherman. - 1353