Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

B

 

Baptism (see also: "parson(s)", "Priest(s)", "Renegade(s)")

"B. has become a Jewish custom." - 1444

B. depending on the change of name from Markus Levy to Martin Luther. - 1394

B. followed after award of title of nobility. - 1395

B. followed by change of name and antisemitism. - 1401

B. followed by change of name and biting remark of rival philosopher. - 1434

At b. one usually wears napkins. - 1396

With b., poor Jew has gained a transient life. - 1419

Holy water for b. - 2001

Baby

B.'s likeness to father in front and to relatives in rear. - 707

Bachelor(s) (see also: "Matchmaker(s)", "Youngman (men)")

B. claims to be descendent of line of bachelors. - 1011

B. has neither joy nor blessing, nor troubles, nor curses - 1554

B reluctant to get married; is satisfied with "a glass of milk instead of feeding a cow." - 1672

Balak surely was a bachelor. - 1555

Bad luck

B. luck cannot be arrested. - 184

Baker

A b. always has bread. - 148

B. with many children. - 3043

B.'s cracknels gradually become smaller. - 149

B.'s house is big. "How did the small loaves produce such a big house?" - 150

Bakery

B. changes names according to nationality of conqueror. - 2775

Balfour Declaration

B. D. - 2603, 2615

Ball

Adam Hacohen comes to a b. where he notices a beautiful woman. He deeply sighs because of the Destruction of the Temple. - 1804

Ban of R. Gershon

Ban of R. Gershon. - 454, 1581.

Bank manager

B. manager refuses to honour Rothschild's cheque which is not signed. - 58

Banker(s)

B. and his accountant at loggerheads. - 158

B. to newly baptized secretary: "You, a gentile since yesterday are already an ass!" - 1404

B. complains about stealing cashier. - 2964

B. and doctor. - 890

B. gives daughter in marriage to renegade. - 1413

B. meeting his secretary in the street in the morning wonders what he is doing there. - 157

B. and Polish nobleman. - 1977

B. refuses to support baptized son who had changed his name. 3067

B. Rothschild informed about death of b. Hirsch thought him to be wealthier. - 227

B. supports poor man. 271

Impoverished b. turns to writing. - 582 (585)

Newly converted b. becomes nervous when old secretary smiles. 1403

Bankers of R. Yechiel. - 98

Bankrupt (see also: "Merchant(s)", "Shopkeeper(s)").

Man decides to b. and leave the town. - 94

Barman

B. and gentile customers. - 888

B. offers glass of beer which is two thirds full. - 805, 806

B. offers mead to Brodes. - 886

B. plays major role in drinking linked with success or failure. - 887

Barber

"B. is the most impertinent person on earth." - 2159

B.'s apartment under repair. - 3088

Bargain

B. with God. - 199

Bastard

"A b. must not join the congregation." - 367

Bath

America likened to public b. - 2704

Building a public b. in Vilna. - 1835

Hersheli warns R. Barukh against taking a b. in winter. - 2132

Rabbi returns from public b. with shirt inside out. - 380

Talkative Modke missed hot water in public b. - 3139

Bath attendant

B. attendant earns his living "by the sweat of his brow". - 153

B. attendant reprimands his brother, a proud rabbi. - 438

B. attendant teaches rabbi that one flatters the wealthy. - 404

Bathing

"B. women when looked at cause blindness," says rabbi to his students. - 701

Beadle

B. applies for a raise in salary. - 501, 533

B. asked to pray louder at grave site: the dead man was deaf. - 1133

B. behind crucifix speaks and pretends to be Jesus. - 3057

B. calls Jews to slichot. - 1347

B. discovers false coin. - 622

B. has dying Jew make confession. - l383

B. of Heavenly Court. - 1743

B. hired for fasting. - 534, 822

B. lights candles on Sabbat night. - 1763

B. as matchmaker. - 2097

B. mistaken by doctor for patient. - 936

B. of old rabbi. - 531

B. of R. Sofer boasts of his post and his rich relative. - 2311

B. refuses to strike rabbi on Yom Kippur eve. - 3004

B. refuses to wake man sleeping during sermon. - 3009

B. reminds rich man of Jahrzeit. - 535

B. urges father of bride to shorten blessing. 1205 (2305)

B warns Jews not to consort with wives during night of ninth of Av preceding Sabbat. - 1807, 3085

B.'s day has twenty six hours. - 533

Caleb receives forty strokes from b. on Yom Kippur eve. - 2162

Dead child found before Passover. B. announces that the child was Jewish. - 1945

Dead b. appointed messenger of community to Heaven. - 1159

Foolish b. made to believe he is in prison. - 1094

The 1abors of a b. - 532

Living b. preferred to dead treasurer. - 178

Old b. and new rabbi. - 442

Old b. vanquished by angel of death. - 699, 2164

Old b. works much for little salary and honor. - 532

. 231

Bear

The b. (Dov Baer of Mezritcn) sings and the gypsies (hassidim) dance around him. - 675

Beard

B., goat and Jew. - 474

B. greys after the head. - 2122

B. reveals food eaten a day earlier. - 2858

Fool burns his b. for fear of looking stupid. - 1114

"Keep your b.," writes father to son. Latter sends his b. to father for safekeeping. - 1684

Beards in Heavenly Court will be asked: "Where are your Jews?" - 1787

B. of Jews praised by king before bearded minister. - 2059

Beggar(s) (see also: "Rich" , "Merchant(s)")

B. asking for money at Rothschild's bank is thrown out. - 299

B. asks goldsmith what he would pay for a lump of gold. Is fed during Sabbat. - 347

B. asks for a loan from rich relative. - 277

B. advises person to work. - 313

B. believes Rothschild to be not so wealthy: two daughters play on one piano. - 990

B. in Berlin with plate: "I am blind. Alms from Jews are undesirable." - 269

B. is neither cohen nor levy but a hungry israel. - 2993

B. comes to houseowner at night. - 266

B. comes to merchant on business. B.'s business is begging. - 265

B. demands money from houseowner at night. - 268

B. entertains fellow travellers with riddles. - 308

B. is expert in begging. - 267

B. given large coin is asked for change. - 2989

B. given smaller amount than usual because of wedding of rich man's daughter. - 270

B. is heir to his daughter. - 274

B. and host burn their mouths. 284 (1676)

B. to host: "If Kopernikus were right, the pastry would have come to me." - 291

B. introduces his son to the art of begging. - 2991

B. invited to meal, scratches head. - 288

B. invited to meal, takes son-in-law with him. - 281

B. invited to meal by poor man. - 297

B. as mighty eater: "also eats cheese." - 286

B. as mighty eater: "eats by the sweat of his brow." - 285

B. as mighty eater: He is all stomach. - 283

B. is neatly dressed but "always preceded by Satan". - 306

B. offered cold noodles and radish. - 344

B. predicts death of rich miser. - 338, 341

B. prefers to beg from houseowners. - 279

B. prefers fourteen bowls of groats to seven plates of porridge. - 293 (834)

B. prefers white bread to black. - 287

B. pretends to be proselyte. - 2987

B. proves that Rothschild cannot have everything. - 300

B. received by wife of host with abusive speech. - 296

B. receives large coin and spends it on mayonnaise. - 290

B. receives trousers and offers them for sale to donor. - 301

B. recommending partner for receiving alms from rich man, demands commission. - 276

B. recommends partner for receiving money and snatches the coin away for himself. - 275

B. refuses to help his colleague. - 181

B. at rich man's wedding marvels at furniture and plentiful water, but "nobody had seen meat and fish" - 836

B. to rich miser: "You are so rich; why are you a pig?" (). - 343

B. at stingy man's table is fed little and remains hungry. 346

B. is told that there is no food and that the boiling pot is "full of laundry". He adds his pants. - 345

B. touches on the honor of rich miser by telling him another had given more. - 272

B. becomes shopkeeper. - 714

B. wished upper storeys were lowered to the ground. - 309

B.'s companion to meal lifts his coat to show his legs. - 282

B.'s dowry: a certain area to beg in for son-in-law. - 280

B.'s equivocal blessing at house-warming party. - 294

B.'s equivocal blessing of rich man: "Be like Abraham, Isaak and Jacob." - 336

B.'s equivocal blessing of rich man: "Until hundred and twenty to you and all your friends." - 335

B.'s equivocal blessing of rich man: "You shall not die, but if you do, be buried next to me." - 337

B.'s sham threat: "I shall do what father used to do!" (Went hungry to bed). - 295

B.'s sham threat: "I shall send the one who sent me!" (Poverty). - 339

B.'s sham threat: "I shall send my brotner-in-law!" (Death). - 340

B.'s story about former possessions and misfortunes. - 273

Ablebodied b. pretends to be crippled (blind). - 316, 317

Ablebodied b. reprimanded for not working. - 315, 2990

Foolish b. steals silver spoon from host. Doctor had prescribed one spoon per hour. - 289

Beggars invited to a wedding party. - 298

Arrested b. tell who they are. - 314

Wandering b. - 369

Begging

B. food and money for Sabbat. - 999

B. preferred to riches. - 303

E. preferred to work. - 310-312

"Behold, you are consecrated to me,"

cited at a frightful sight. - 1543

Belated

"Good luck". - 371

Belching

B. reveals excellent quality of radish. - 2860

Belt

The b. separates the upper part of the body (spirit) from the lower one (material). - 2434

Bench

Yellow b. for "Jews only" in Nazi Berlin. - 3061

Benefactor

B. adds two gulden to the fifty he had already given to delegate from Palestine. - 3150

Bible researchers

B.r.' dispute on archeological reality of Moses. - 1862

Billiard

B'. balls mistaken for eggs. - 1076

Birds

B. send a petition to the High Commissioner of Palestine in 1936. - 2680

Bishop (see also: "Rabbi and Gentiles")

The b. sits on eggs and "hatches" them. - 2032

Blessing(s) (see also: "Beggar(s)", "Hassid(im)")

B. of barefooted cohen in Tel-Aviv in winter on cold tiles. - 2618

B. of barren woman by zaddik covering his eyes. - 3149

B. of Elijah the Prophet as reward of hospitality. - 2972

B. of the good and the bad things each with a glass of brandy. - 685

"The b. of a Jew is a curse." - 222

B. of new wooden house: It shall rot on the site and not be consumed by fire. - 294

B. of young bride and old bridegroom. - 705

B. said for pay. - 2026

Extensive b. of bride and bridegroom unnecessary. They will be fruitful and fill the earth anyway. - 1664

Blind

B. horse finds hole in bridge. - 140

B. man finds way to synagogue led by its smell. - 2182

B. man and sighted one eat cherries from one plate. - 829

B. woman would have given a fortune if she could see Modke. - 2177

Blows

Dealing b. to a friend as a means to prevent Nazi hooligans' attack. - 1996

Dealing b. to a friend as a means to staying in Petersburg for a required time. - 1926

Bolshevic(s) (see also: "Selection Committee", "Warehouse", "Week")

B. boasts about Russia. Within five years everyone will have an aeroplane to fly in the search for bread. - 2828

Central Committee decides to save paper. The morning and the evening newspaper will be published on one sheet. - 2827

B. leaders assemble. Kamenew wants to leave early because of Jahrzeit. 2795

B. leaders ridiculed by Radek. - 2820

B. playing cards with comrades jumps from chair on chiming of bells on Eastern. - 2796

B. revolution. Number of Jews in a) Isfolkum, (Executive Committee), b) one Soviet, c) meeting of the Soviets, d) international legion. - 2793

In B. Russia Jews used to say that "col" (every) symbolizes "no bread". (pun) - 2822

B. Russia. Visitor is informed about change of names of street, buildings and Jews. - 2798

B. secret police investigates Jew blaming him for hiding foreign currency. - 2817

"Bolshevics conquered the whole world and put their governors everywhere." - 2791

B. cut off their relationship with Heaven. Latter delegates Luke and Jesus who are caught by the K.G.B. Moses joins the party and changes his name. - 2821

B. in the diaspora discuss their various transgressions for which they had been sent away. - 2812

B. may last for 300 years. - 2787

B. organizing a meeting of Oriental peoples in Tiflis are looking for a negro. - 2790

B. printed money in many languages except Yiddish. - 2800

One hundred B. in town, and how many Jews are among them? - 2792

Book(s) (see also: "Accountant(s)", "Author(s)", "Scholar(s)")

B. of Raziel" prevents fire. -273

B. seller reluctant to sell b. on Sabbat. - 1263

"B. sellers rather than b. merchants." (Mendele Mocher Sforim) - 588

Adam Hacohen's b. of Midrash was bound in red "since it was embarrassed by its many lies." - 1825

Bookbinder

B. binds together "Slichot" and "Haggadah" resulting in a comic muddle. - 1220

"Both of us may be wrong."

"B. of us may be wrong." - 2367

Boy

Mendelsohn, the b. on his way to Berlin has his companion carry his coat for him as "security". - ,2437

Brain

"My b. should be given to Stalin and the alcohol to Rikow." (From Trotzki's will). - 2814

Bread

"Slice of b. is to be buttered on both sides." - 823

"A slice of b. always falls on the buttered side." - 2227

"who takes out the b. from the land," said about the German army which had conquered Ukraine and shipped its b. to Germany. - 2782

Bribe

"For a b. blinds those who see." (Ex. 23;8) - 424, 425

Bride

B. accompanied by parents to wedding canopy. - 2084

B. does not cry on wedding day. - 1595

B. disappears before wedding ceremony. - 704

B. falls into a study as to what her first child's name shall be. - 967

B. must be beautiful. - 1457

B. must not be seen by groom before wedding. - 1714

B. has no need to be as perfect as an etrog. - 2097

B. is to remember matchmaker's name. - 1486

B. since Passover until a hundred and twenty. - 1125

B. from same town as wife of father's friend. - 1549

The fat b. - 3021

Bridegroom (see also: "Father(s)", "Matchmaker(s)", "Rich")

B. copies love letters to bride from textbook. - 3027

B. hates parents-in-law at first sight. - 1714

B. of maid disapproved by mistress. - 178

B. meets officer after wedding night. - 3038

B. misses train and consequently own wedding. - 1126

B. must be rich. - 1491

B. ready to wed the bride on condition that she supplies the bread and the water. - 3028

B. is to receive bigger dowry if he would close business on Sabbat. - 1683

B. refuses to marry. - 1501, 1520

B. sees bride just before wedding ceremony: "She has no nose at all!" - 1470 (1520)

B. is surgeon; has taken hunchback from bride's father. - 1701

Foolish b. - 732, 733

Future b. of daughter may win on lottery ticket. - 248

Old b. with young bride blessed: "Be fruitful, increase in number and fill the earth." (Gen. 1;25) - 705

Prospective b. recommended as decent and worthy of a good dowry. - 1499 -

Bridge

New b. should be tested by all mothers-in-law of town crowding on it. - 1727

Broker

B. advises man on how to invest his money. Man acts contrariwise and loses. - 10

Brother(s)

B. of bath keeper is a proud rabbi. - 438

B. of lawyer converted to Christianity. - 1412, 2012

Foolish brothers' commentary on landlord's children. - 1174

Six b. and four sisters in one family, and the teacher wonders when their father has time for work. - 3043

While waiting to the priest two b. go for the afternoon prayer. - 1391

Two b. and one pair of trousers between them. - 2880

Two b. about to smuggle the border from Soviet Russia with a cow are pursued by a bull. - 2839

Two b., one tailor and the other rabbi. - 1259

The two b., R. Zusya and R. Elimelekh are in night lodgings and sleeping in one bed. Drunken guest beats R. Elimelekh twice. - 205

Bullets

"No b., no money!" - 1380

Bundist(s)

B. leader in a dilemma: Intends to organize a demonstration on Passover and cannot shout "Bread to the workers!" - 2788

B. propagandist inveighs against capitalists. - 3164

Bundists and Zionists conduct heated discussion in train. - 2977

Burial

B. ground. Discussion on the preference of being buried next to a famous personality. - 2152

The b. ground is unhealthy for one with rheumatism. - 3095

B. money for Hersheli's "dead" wife. - 2138

Buried

"B. in the ground like fakirs but not dead" - 2996

B. in Palestine are either those who love money or those who love their body. - 2606

Business(es)

A b. with noses. - 2974

"B. before pleasure." - 1630

B. on Sabbat. - 717

Businesses of the Jews are like the counting of Omer: the more they count the less it becomes. - 14

B. of the Jews are becoming worse every year. - 13

Butcher(s)

B. asked for brain of beaf by customer ignorant of the word "brain" in this context. - 2647

B. demands payment for delivered meat. - 109

Butchers build a synagogue for their kind. - 1161