Elisheva Schoenfeld

INDEX TO DRUYAIW' S COLLECTION

OF JOKES AND ANECDOTES

 

A

 

Absurd

A. ignorance of child bearing. - 549

A. sanctification of Sabbat. - 1766

A. search for the lost. - 389, 1091

Absurd lack of logic

A good merchant does not die before being declared bankrupt three times. If he died without being bankrupt once he does so before his time is up. - 57

Mother thinks winedealer would prefer elderly daughter to young girl since he prefers old wine to new. 3048

Oxen are slaughtered and eaten, and horses are not. Yet there are more oxen than horses. Answer: Horses are stolen and oxen are not. - 1005

Sleeping in summer house man was cold, but would have become a pillar of ice if he had slept in winter house. - 1008

Absurd scientific theories

Clouds thought to be like sponges. - 2115

Density of moon population thought to be greatest at new moon. - 2125

Heat expands material, therefore longer days in summer. - 1120

Account book

A. b. of foolish deeds. - 172

Accountant (see also: "Banker(s)")

A. explains the meaning of double entry in book keeping. - 76

The a. Mendelsohn declares: "God's ways are just. The coarse man is only rich, but I have my wisdom and riches are unnecessary." - 159

Actress

A. Karoline Neuber needed money for her theatre. Asking for a loan from Meier the latter flatly refuses because of her arrogance. - 75

Actors

The Georgian a. of the Tiflis theatre made the audience weep whenever they were on stage. In Moscow one Georgian made all Russia weep. - 2819

A group of a. were forbidden to perform in Peterstrurg since they were not craftsmen. - 1929

Aeroplane

German a. drops broom on Russian position for cleaning certain public buildings. - 2767

Age

A. cannot be determined by date of baptism. - 1397

How to tell one's a. - 1993

Agent(s)

A. of insurance firm tries hard to convince a person to buy a policy. - 174

A. of real estate firm offers house near (or far from) river. - 20

A. seeking shelter from rain in a factory whose shares had dropped from 200 to 120 is told by doorman to be off "even at the point of 120." - 3137

Two travelling a. stay in hotel and sleep with maid who later gives birth to twins. - 1817

"Agudat Ha'elef"

A. bought Ein Zeitim which proved to be a failure, (pun). - 2661

Alimony

"A. must be paid until today following Abraham's divorce from Hagar," said after first proposal of division of Palestine in 1937. - 2686

Anarchists

A. and Rothschild. - 260

Angel(s)

A. of Death, the brother-in-law of beggar. - 340

A. of Death never comes to shtetl B. for rich people. 229

"A. of Death is eruv tavshilim," tax collector's wife so informs her ignorant husband. - 1229

A. of Death and rich man are hated although they give jobs to many people. - 180

A. of Death's attention drawn to Hassidic rabbi's wife by Russian name plate. - 1622

A. guarding the ram's horn: Shimshiel, Hadraniel, Tartiel. - 631

Antisemitic (see also: "Officer(s)", "Rabbi and Gentiles")

A. slogans screeched by parrot. - 3066

A. speaker of 19th cent. claims that the thousands think like him. - 1944

Antisemitism

"A. the more it spreads the more Jews will turn to Zionism." (T. Herzl) - 3107

Apartment

A. of barber under repair. 3088

A. not let to Jews. - 3059

A. in Moscow thanks to party membership. - 2833

A. returned to owner with bugs, according to contract. - 2867

"You rented the a. near the house on fire, not I," says fool to wife. - 1090

German Jew asks to rent for him a. in Erets Israel, but not in Jewish Quarter. - 2611

Apology

A. worse than misconduct. - 3005, 3140

D'Acosta's a. of one whom he had hurt: "You said the truth, I am the liar" - 2578

Equivocal a.. - 365, 366

Application

A. of Germans to Heaven answered after seventeen years. - 3165

A. of maiden to minister. - 1998

Arab

A. leaders came to their ruler and suggested an armistice for five days in order to get a rest. - 2679

A. leaders objected to the Jewish broadcasting announcers naming the country "Erets Israel" and not "Palestine". - 2682

An A. shot at the legal adviser of the government and injured the posterior. - 2674

Archbishop

A. and bishop, both of Jewish descent send gentile beadle for censer. - 2039

Army

Russian a. does not accept anyone who has a hernia. 2712

Russian a. has reached suburb of Warsaw on the eve of its conquest. - 2765

Ass

A. to Lenin during famine seeking privilege of getting food: "Without the a. you would not be able to exist for one hour". - 2804

Aunt(s)

Old a. visits gentile cemetery in America since Jewish one is out of her reach. - 3073

A. advise mother on whom to call for the cure of sick child. - 951

Author(s)

A. of almanac teaches the secret of his weather forecasts to his son. - 566

A. asks R. Eizel for approval of his treatise and the rabbi's beadle to accompany him in the dark. - 573

A. asks R. Fosbieler for approval of his commentary on the Book of Proverbs. - 568

A. asks R. Gershon for approval of his book. Latter is reluctant to do so. - 569

A. asks rabbi for approval of his commentary on Ecclesiastes. Rabbi finds that he has made a fool of King Salomon. - 576

A. comes to R. Eizel asking for approval of his treatise "Hands of Moses". - 570

A. has his commentary to Torah printed with the text. - 572

A. by name of Jacob asks R. Malbim for approval of his treatise. The rabbi does not see any message in it. - 575

A. presents his book to rich man who pays the price but does not keep it. - 579

A. presents his latest work to rich man on eve of Passover hoping to be rewarded. - 578

A. presents his already printed book to R. Rosen. Latter found to his surprise that there is a printing press in Grajewo. 2404

A. submits his book to R. Eizel for approval claiming to have already got such tram some others. - 2341

A. submits his book to R. Eizel for approval. Latter advises him to guard the manuscript so that it would not fall into the hands of some gentile. - 2343

A. submits his book to R. Eizel for approval. Latter advises him to run away as fast as possible since his wife might get angry. - 2342

A. submits his book to R. Eizel for approval. Latter sends him to offer his book to a man who deals in stolen goods. 2344

A. submits his book to R. Menashe for approval. Latter shows his criticism by having the author eat soup with a fork. - 2318

A. submits his commentary on Lamentations to R. Eizel asking for his remarks. - 577

A. submits his commentary on Rashi to R. Feivel for approval claiming to have been praised by many. - 567

A. submits his treatise to R. Eizel for approval. Latter leaves a big space between text of approval and signature. - 571

Young a. comes to Spektor asking him for appraisal of his book. While reading Spektor falls asleep. - 3108

Two a. ask R. Melzer for approval of their commentary on Baba Kama Tractate. The rabbi suggests a title. - 574